


Guess I've got a thing for Templars

by wookieeTHEcookie



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Adamant Fortress, Addiction, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Betrayal, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Forbidden Love, Friendship/Love, Grey Wardens, Humor, Loss, Love Confessions, Love/Hate, Lust, Lyrium Withdrawal, Oral Sex, POV Alternating, POV Cullen Rutherford, Past Character Death, Plot, Red Templars, Romance, Sex, Sexual Tension, Skyhold, Smut, Suffering, Suspicions, The Calling, The Fade
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-18
Updated: 2015-09-02
Packaged: 2018-03-23 11:38:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 52,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3766705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wookieeTHEcookie/pseuds/wookieeTHEcookie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"The Hero of Fereldan. That's what people still called me, after all these years. Sure, 10 years ago circumstance left me as one of the last standing Grey Wardens in Fereldan, but I had just fumbled my way through that really."</p>
<p>Grey Warden Commander Elissa Cousland has been roped into helping the Inquisition by her dear 'friend' Garrett Hawke. It's been a decade since she's involved herself in any sort of heroic endeavors, but she supposes she can try it once more. 10 years ago she loved Alistair Theirin. He destroyed her when made the ultimate sacrifice to end the Blight. She's refused to become close with anyone ever since. The Inquisition is being led by the mage Maxwell Trevelyan, who can sometimes prove to be rather difficult. When the Hero arrives at Skyhold, Commander Cullen immediately recognizes her as the Warden who saved the circle at Kinloch Hold. She has seen him at his weakest moment and somehow that is comforting. Their past hardships draw them together, but not without a few snags and angst fueled moments. Will she give in to her feelings, or push another chance at love away?  </p>
<p>Cousland-Cullen pairing. Inspired by the Cullenites! Smut, Angst, Cursing, (attempts at) Humor, Drama.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Why do they have to call me that?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  

 The Hero of Fereldan. That's what people still called me, after all these years. Sure, 10 years ago circumstance left me as one of the last standing Grey Wardens in Fereldan, but I had just fumbled my way through that really. We were mostly lucky. At least until the end. Alistair was the real hero. He was the one whose luck finally ran out. The damn clod just had to be the one to strike the final blow against the archdemon. He knew what it would do to him. 10 years ago almost to the day I had lost him, I wonder if he knew what it did to me. I was hard now, at least more than I was before. Time had made me somewhat of a cynic and I tried never to let my feelings show anymore. Unless the feeling was anger. Anger I was very good at.

When Hawke introduced me it was as the Hero of course, not Lady Cousland. But I think their Commander sensed my discomfort with the title, he was intuitive enough to know I'd rather be called anything else. Well...nearly anything else. Once I was called 'that Warden Bitch' and someone may have lost an eye. 'The Hero of Fereldan' wasn't that bad I suppose. People thought they were being respectful, but I didn't like being reminded of the sacrifice that someone else had made to earn me that title. Sometimes Commander Cullen called me Warden-Commander or sometimes Commander Cousland. Though I wasn't really that anymore either, not since I'd practically rebelled against the Wardens. Always the rebel, wasn't I? Leliana surely knew better than to try any of that Hero business. For one of the first times in recent memory I got to hear my first name from friendly lips. She only ever called me Elissa, even in the company of others and I loved her for it. She always brought me back to a softer place, and I think I did the same for her.

We were at our talks now, I stood in their war room waiting for my turn to speak. The room they had dedicated to this purpose wasn't small, but something about it made it feel very enclosed. Maybe it was the tension that was always present in these walls or maybe the colors. We were surrounded by rich hues of autumn, reds and golds, soft yellow from the candles that burned. Behind each of the advisors stood a set of tall windows. Trees with turning leaves could be seen through the latticed glass. The table that held the center of the attention was made of an old oak tree, giving an even warmer feel to the room. The Inquisitor stood on the side of the table facing the advisors and he had given me a place to his right.

The Commander and the Inquisitor were deep in some strategic discussion and I was trying to pay attention, but was having a difficult time. My eyes kept drawing up, resting on the Commander. I was staring even though I didn't mean to. The way he moved and held himself reminded me of someone. It reminded me of Alistair. And to think I had actually made it an entire day without thinking about him once before this. The Commander was making my mind wander. He used to be a Templar, like Alistair had. I guess the training becomes a bit ingrained in them, affects their movement and posture. It was always easy to spot a Templar even out of their armor. Cullen was handsome too, but that was where their similarities ended. Commander Cullen wore a serious expression each time I had seen him, not like Alistair at all. But I knew he had been through as much in the last 10 years as I had. We've met before, during the Blight. When we helped the circle at Kinloch Hold he was stationed there. He was one of the only survivors. When we found him he was under some spell. For a second I remembered how his face looked when he was a young man, how horrified and confused he was. They tortured him. My throat was catching as I looked at him. I doubt he wanted to be pitied. The man that stood here was not the same scared young man. He had matured and grown into his skin like we all had. Everything that happened looked to have made him stronger for it. In here, discussing their military, he was in his element. The confidence showed.

His eyes flickered up to mine for a moment. Unfortunately he noticed I was watching him and it made him pause. I think I made him lose his train of thought. He surely made me lose mine and I'll admit he made me blush, just a little.

He cleared his throat and I heard him say "Where was I?"

The Inquisitor picked up where Cullen left off. Then he gave me a little frown for distracting his Commander. I played ignorance and gave him a quizzical look, raised my eyebrow at him and shrugged. He just kept at his scowl. Maxwell Trevelyan doesn't scare people as much as he thinks he does, despite that magic that buzzes from his fingers. I've dealt with Morrigan, I think I can handle this mage. And I've defeated an archdemon, he can't seem to even take care of this one ugly darkspawn that's given itself an even uglier name. Someone please remind me why they call us women the weaker sex.

My part in the council is over soon. I tell them everything I know about this Corypheus and about Clarel, how extreme her measures have been and why I left. There is some I left out, but they don't have to know that. I've told them enough. They all seem very understanding and glad to have my help. But in turn I need them to come with me to the tower in the Approach, we have to figure out what the Wardens are up to before anything else.

"I know Clarel," I said. "She's dedicated, and she's deadly. She'd end any of us if it meant stopping a Blight."

I think the worry and severity was showing on my face, because all of their faces reflect it back. I like to think I can hide my emotions, but I know my face has always been overly expressive. Trevelyan volunteers himself and a few of his companions to come with me. He seems the type who wants to do it all himself to make sure it's done right. Hawke will come with us too, and the Commander insists on sending a few of his troops as well. Once again I'm the lone Warden facing a problem much bigger than myself. And once again I've found a group of people heroic enough to help me in my efforts. Fate likes to do this sort of thing to me. It puts me in some sort of dire situation to take me down a notch and then lifts me up by showing me how a few rag tag individuals can come together and make a difference in the world. It's sickening how mushy it makes me feel, but I think I'm going to like this Inquisition.

* * *

They call her the Hero of Fereldan and I can tell she doesn't like that. I make a conscious effort to address her as something different. Commander or Warden or maybe I'll try Lady Cousland. I met her once before, back in Fereldan during the Blight. She was just a girl then, and I was barely a man. She hasn't really changed that much. I thought she was pretty then and she still is. Funny that out of all the terrible things that happened I remembered her, one good thing in all of it. If I hadn't been in the state I was back then, I may have been jealous of Alistair. He was lucky to have found her. I knew him too. I trained with him, but he had never finished his Templar training. He was lucky in that aspect too. He didn't have to go through the things I went through when Kinloch fell. He and Cousland just swooped in like heroes and saved the day, leaving us all looking and feeling weak. Those of us who survived anyway. I felt weak and broken for a very long time after that. Alistair was gone now though. Maybe that was why she looked so sad all the time. It had been more than 10 years, but those events still haunted me. Maybe they did her too.

I watched her lips every time she spoke, and the movement of her dark eyes. I couldn't help it, she was gorgeous. Her eyes had this illumination behind them, and the way her lips parted and moved in response to everything was subtly alluring without being overly so. She constantly drew more attention to them by touching them or running across the bottom one with her teeth. I was strangely captivated. Maybe in some odd way I was drawn to her because she was one of the only people who had seen me at my weakest. I didn't feel like I had to hide anything in front of her, she already knew what I had been through. She found me blubbering about it all when I was stuck in that sick nightmare.

When we dismissed the war council I told Trevelyan to meet me at the training grounds to choose the troops he wanted to take with him on the mission. I invited Cousland along as well. Sister Leliana's scouts needed to do a thorough assessment of the area before we could send them into the field and I can't say I minded that the Warden would be stuck with us for a time.

I was sparring with Bull when she joined us. I tried to show off in front of her, but Bull had bested me and laid me flat on my back. She was snickering with her hand over her mouth when I snuck a look at her. The way her fingers touched her lips sent a twitch to my loins. Bull was being a sore winner, standing over me beating his chest like an animal.

She walked over with her hands at her hips. "That was quite a show you put on boys," she said.

Bull left me laid out like an idiot, still dizzy from his blow. She extended her hand out to me and helped me back on my feet. Her hand was very soft for a seasoned warrior. I was a little embarrassed when she looked at her hand and wiped it on her trousers. I guess I had gotten a bit of my sweat and dirt on her.

Trevelyan hadn't joined us yet. Out of the war room and one on one with her, I started to get a little nervous, I started to fumble around a bit. I was rubbing the back of my neck like I always did, trying to think of something to say while we waited for him. I moved to lean on the fence to catch my breath after the fight. Sweat was still dripping off my skin and she was watching me wipe it away. Out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw her bite her lip.

"What do you think? Of Skyhold I mean?" I managed to ask.

She looked around and was nodding. "Impressive," was all she said. Somehow I don't think she was just talking about the fortress, not with the way her eyes ran over me.

I hoped she would give me more than that. I wasn't good at this at all. I was awkward at conversation when I wasn't discussing the Inquisition. I couldn't think of what to say. I had seen she had a chance to clean up and shed her armor. "I take it you found your quarters without any trouble."

"I did," she answered. She looked at me and was smirking. I think she was enjoying torturing me. "They have me staying near the library," she added giving me a little more. I tucked the piece of information away for later use. I may have to do a bit of reading later. "The Griffon room I think they call it. I think the Inquisitor thought he was being clever," she chuckled.

I laughed. "He does tend to think very highly of himself." I told her.

Then I heard his voice behind me and felt his hand rest on my shoulder blade. "And our Commander here doesn't think highly enough of himself." Of course he was back there. I hung my head and laughed at myself and she laughed along. At least I had been able to make her smile. Not that I noticed, but...it was quite a beautiful smile.

An hour later and the Inquisitor had doled out my punishment. I was assigned the task of showing the Warden the grounds...alone. Now I was really nervous.


	2. Pomp and Circumstance and all that crap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Artwork belongs to...ME! WookieeTHEcookie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have updated a few things and added a scene since initially publishing this chapter.

                                                                                  

_[Cullen]_

It was drawing close to dusk. Two shadows were cast now. The shadows from the sun and the shadows being cast from now lit torches along the battlements. I brought Lady Cousland up here because you could see everything, I could point out all the landmarks of Skyhold. From here I showed her how to reach the gates, the courtyard, the stables, the few stands that sold supplies, and for some reason she was very interested in where the kitchens were. I showed her the staircase that led there. The whole time we walked, I couldn't stop stealing glances. Something about her was just so inexplicably alluring.

"And you say the Inquisitor just  _found_  this?" she asked as we paused overlooking the courtyard.

"Apparently the elf that's been helping us somehow knew it was out here. Are you still as impressed now that you've seen all of it?"

"I think so," she said tilting her head to casually glance at me. Inwardly she smiled. "It seems to serve the Inquisition's purpose quite nicely. And the view's not bad."

"I do like it here. It's cold, but I find that comforting," I sighed.

"Yes, well, us Fereldans do tend to like the cold," she mused. Fereldan. We did have that in common didn't we? I ran with it.

"Foreigners do complain about our cold, don't they? And our bland food," I added.

"Our swilled ale," she smirked.

"Our love of dogs," I said.

"Oh yes, how I do miss the smell of wet dog," she said sarcastically.

"Don't forget the unwashed beard," I quipped.

Finally she laughed, her eyes ran over me appreciatively. Quickly she looked away to the distance.

"How could I forget?" she said, her voice trailing off. "It's been a long time since I've remembered I was a Fereldan."

It was something I tried to forget as well. I tried not to remember Fereldan, and what happened to me there. I do remember the first time I saw her there though. It was only coming back to me now. Something in the way she looked brought it to mind. She was young then, as was I. I had been a Templar for no more than a year, 19 years old. She must have been 18 or so, maybe not quite yet. She was stick thin back then, she didn't fill her armor. It must have first belonged to someone else, you could tell it wasn't made for her. I remember her hair was in a braid, even though it was gathered behind her tied together now. It was funny now that I was remembering details I didn't even know I noticed then.

When I saw her at the Circle, I didn't know she was real at first. I thought it was another part of my nightmare, another pretty face sent to tempt me. But she wasn't like the others, she didn't want anything from me. She wanted to help me. I thought maybe it was a trick. I looked up through the cage that bound me and I saw her eyes, her dark shining eyes. They were wide as she watched me through the haze. She tried to offer me food, but I yelled at her, told her to stay away. But she tried to calm me, she told me I would be safe. I wanted to believe her, but I didn't. But I really was safe with her there.

I remember I closed my eyes, tried to shake her away, usually that worked to make the demons go away. But she was still there when I opened them. That's when I thought maybe she could be real. You couldn't blame me for thinking otherwise. A beautiful girl comes to save you, comes to tell you everything will be all right, it had to be too good to be true. Usually I couldn't get the bad images out of my head, but at this moment I was remembering the good, remembering my savior.

Once again I closed my eyes and shook away my thoughts, returning myself to the present.

"As much as I have enjoyed showing you the finer points of Skyhold, I'm afraid I must return to my duties," I said reluctantly.

"I should go as well," she nodded. "I promised Leliana I would stop by. She and I are supposed to catch up."

"Would you like me to escort you?" I asked awkwardly.

"No, I think I can find it on my own thanks to your excellent tour," she smiled.

"Good. Until next time then," I said dismissing myself.

"Until next time," she answered.

* * *

_[Elissa]_

Two days after my arrival I found myself standing in the main hall trying not to look bored out of my mind. It was taking all of my effort to put on a good show. To look regal and gracious and keep a smile on my face. I attempted to project an aura of stateliness to represent my position, but I really just wanted this night over with. I hadn't even been at Skyhold for more than two days and somehow their ambassador managed to organize a banquet in my honor. I refused but she begged, said it would be good for the Inquisition. With the backing of a name like the Hero of Fereldan, it gave them that much more influence in Thedas and gave their cause more legitimacy. I conceded, despite the implications it would cause me. If they're going to call me that awful name then at least I can put it to good use. I guess it was time to let the Wardens know what had happened to me. And at least there would be food.

So now there I was, on display for all to gawk at. This was why I hated people. I wasn't a person to them, I was a story they heard many years ago. Like a living statue to catch a glimpse at while they could. It almost made me miss the other Wardens. To most of them I was nothing special, just another member of its ranks doing the duty I had sworn to. That was one reason I had given up my post as Warden-Commander in Fereldan and had spent the last several years with the Wardens in Orlais. People didn't fawn over me in Orlais if I didn't wave my title in their face. I was less well-known there and they didn't treat me like I was special, because I wasn't. The Wardens did let me keep the title they had given me, even though I only earned it by default. I wasn't an acting Warden-Commander anymore though. I preferred it that way. I was able to get away with visiting Fereldan just a few times a year to make sure things were still running smoothly, serving as more of an in-between for Fereldan and Orlais. In fact, before I fled to Crestwood, Vigil's Keep was as far south as I had been a years.

I wasn't exactly eager to return to Fereldan when I did. Fergus tried to convince me to come to Highever, but I knew that's the first place the Wardens would come looking. Carver helped me contact his brother and he had helped me find a suitable place to hide. I knew Hawke would know where I could go, he had been an apostate his entire life. He was good at dodging the authorities. No one had seen nor heard from Anders in years and he was probably the most wanted man in all of Thedas, I thought surely he could hide me. And he had, for nearly a year. And now I had ended up here.

At some point while I was with the Inquisitor and Commander meeting their soldiers, someone had let themselves into my room and put a shine to my armor. I hadn't been this clean for months. The light reflecting from it was drawing even more attention than the bright blue color of it. When I looked around, I saw so many eyes looking in my direction. I really did hate these sorts of things. I shouldn't since I had been born to a noble house, but I've lived a different life for the last decade.

Yesterday had been much more pleasant than this. I liked being around the Commander. He wasn't NOT pleasant to look at. Especially when he was out in the hot sun, glistening with sweat, running his fingers through his blonde locks. We tried to have a conversation while we waited for the Inquisitor to show, but he was more awkward outside of the war room. It was sort of adorable. He opened up a little more on our tour thankfully. He was probably a man who didn't allow himself much time to indulge in anything but work and didn't know how to act when he wasn't doing something productive. It was very likely a Templar trait. They trained intensely for years and I don't think I had seen a Templar do anything leisurely in my whole life, unless you called reciting the Chant of Light fun. Commander Cullen was certainly not practiced in the art of chatter, that much was clear. I wasn't one for idle conversation anyway.

Speaking of waiting for the Inquisitor, we were waiting for him again. The man liked to be fashionably late, it hadn't taken me long to figure that out. I couldn't wait for him to come and take some of the attention off of me. Not to mention I was starving. The rabid Warden hunger was coming again. It was something that came and went, and sometimes it would get as bad as it had been right after my joining. At least I got a lot of exercise. That was something Alistair used to say, wasn't it?

"Warden Cousland," I heard a voice say.

It was the ambassador, Lady Montilyet. "I'd like to introduce you to Warden Blackwall."

I've heard the man's name before, but we have never officially met. We thought him lost to the Blight like all the other Wardens in Fereldan, but it seems he had been working on his own all these years. Something was a little off about the man though.

"Warden Blackwall," I answered. "It's a pleasure to meet you. I've heard your name spoken among our ranks before. I'm glad to see you're alive after all these years."

It was strange he never regrouped with us, and I wondered where he had actually been during the Blight when we needed him, but I wasn't going to press the issue. That was 10 years ago, ancient history as far as I was concerned. Blackwall and I exchanged a few stories. He knew about as much as I did of the Wardens, which wasn't a lot. Apparently he was always a loner and the Wardens allowed him to work mostly by himself. In the short time I knew Duncan, he mentioned him once I think.

The ambassador introduced me to a few more members of the Inquisition. I thought it was funny they all wore matching attire and some of them looked incredibly uncouth in it. They wore these stuffy red dressing coats with a blue sash and they matched button for button down to their boots, even Leliana donned the outfit. I imagine she probably protested the color for fear of the red clashing with her hair. The boots were nice though, she probably had something to with that. I guess this was the official uniform of the Inquisition.

In the corner I could see the Commander tugging on his jacket. He was about as comfortable in the main hall as I was and even less so with being dressed formally. He was definitely a man who'd rather be in a set of armor than anything else. I could tell he didn't like these type of events either, he wore a very sour expression and tried to slink back out of sight. He was only there because he had to be. But so was I.

Finally the Inquisitor was announced. All eyes were on him now. I spent a little more time in the ballroom, greeted the Inquisitor, and made my way to the buffet. I ate as much as I could without embarrassing myself. I remember when Alistair used to laugh at my eating habits, even though he was just as terrible as I was. We couldn't help it. The taint did things to you that you couldn't explain. They talk and laugh about the hunger the taint brings. It's all fine when you wake up with an insatiable need to stuff your face and you're caught in the middle of the night shoveling down cheese and bread and porridge, licking the bottom of a pot for every last grain your tongue can reach. What they don't talk about is the other hunger that comes with it. The one that leads to poor decisions made breathless between the sheets, searching to fill yourself with something other than food. There were times I would have fucked anything that moved. It wouldn't have been as bad if I'd had Alistair there. We could've had quite the life together if he hadn't went and got himself killed. It got better as I got older, but sometimes it was like my body was not my own. I had practiced restraint though in recent years and kept my hands to myself for a few years now.

I think that was why I was so enamored with the Commander right now. Its been a long time since I've been touched by anyone. It would probably be quite shocking for those outside the order to know what we Wardens were really like behind closed doors amongst only our own. I think some people mistook us for being chaste, but there were legends about us of course. There was something about the Commander making the stirrings worse though. He did remind me a little of Alistair. I could tell under the facade that he was warm and kind and he looked impossibly attractive over there, brooding in his jacket, fitted to his body in just the right places. He was one of the few who actually looked handsome in the uniform they'd picked. He looked like one of the princes little girls read about in fairy tales and dream of marrying. His hair was smoothed back, just right and his jaw was square and strong and he had just the right amount of stubble on his chin. His eyes were the same color as Alistair's too, just a lighter shade. More honey than brown. And damn did they sparkle. Maker's breath, he got more gorgeous the more I stared. I needed to get a hold of myself.

He glanced at me and saw me looking at him again. His eyes narrowed a little at me and I could see him try to suppress his grin across the room. I was being a lecher, but I think he was enjoying it. He kept peeking through the corner of his eye to see if I was still looking, and I was. I wasn't a shy little girl anymore, I knew how to make my intentions clear. I put out the bait, it was up to him to take a bite. I wasn't sure if he would be up for that sort of thing, but if he was I was receptive. With my luck he was the type who needed to get to know his prize before he conquered it and I wasn't sure I had time for that. Maybe I could try to get to know him. It couldn't hurt.

I knew that wasn't what I was here for though. I was supposed to be working, finding a way to stop Clarel and free the Wardens from Coryhpeus' grip, but when I got like this it was hard to focus. I had to remember my duty, but he made it very hard. Someone else noticed I was staring too and startled me by whispering in my ear.

"See something you like?"

I jumped. It was the Vint who had approached from behind. Dorian was a curious specimen. A beautiful man, a talented mage, quick witted and not interested in women in the least bit. Though he did love to flirt with them. A shame really. Oh well, he wasn't my type anyway. It was becoming obvious to me I had a type. Dorian snuck up beside me holding a bottle to his lips.

I gave him the side eye and played coy. "Perhaps," I shrugged.

"Maybe I could put in a good word for you," he answered.

"I think I can do just fine on my own thanks," I told him.

He gave me a chuckle. "Of that I have no doubt. I didn't know Grey Warden's came in such pretty packages."

"We're not all shriveled up old men," I assured him.

He ran his eyes over me. "I can see that. Now that you've cleaned up a bit." I guess I was rather dirty when I arrived at Skyhold. I hadn't been able to bathe for longer than I'll admit. That sort of thing falls to the wayside when you're being hunted. I was embarrassed now.

I allowed myself a little chuckle. "You should see me in a dress." Then I winked. "Or out of one."

"You're sassing me, aren't you? I'm afraid that wouldn't get you very far with me though. Him on the other hand, who knows," he said pointing to the Commander.

"Well that is shame, but I suspected as much." I eyed his bottle of wine. For all of their pomp and circumstance, they hadn't provided any entertainment in the form of drinks. "Where did you get that?"

"Oh I brought my own," he motioned with quite a bit flair. "For some reason when they have these little shindigs they worry people might get too drunk and start acting out in front of the wrong people, so they don't serve it. Its absolutely scandalous if you ask me. They never told me I couldn't bring any with me though. I hide it under this ugly sash they make me wear."

"Well I'm insanely jealous," I pouted at him. "This is painfully boring. Almost makes me miss the darkspawn. At least they know how to throw a party, even if it does involve a bit of death and gore."

He threw his head back and laughed. "Just like back home in Tevinter."

"Sounds like I might like it there," I teased.

"It's not a great place to be if you aren't a mage, even then it's not all it's cracked up to be. But luckily for you," he said reaching into his coat. "I'm not there. I'm here and I've brought a little extra fun with me." He pulled out a flask and I didn't even care what it was, as long as it gave me a buzz.

"Oh, you are sent by the Maker himself," I said. I think I moaned as I poured it down my throat.

Whatever it was, it was good. Warm and smooth.

Dorian was charming. We kept talking for a bit and I returned his flask after I emptied it. As the night progressed I found it easier and easier to fade into the background and finally I found a door to slink into in the back and I began to worm my way toward it.

* * *

_[Cullen]_

I hated these social events. They know I do, but they always insisted I come. I was the military commander not a diplomat, I didn't see why my presence was required here. If it hadn't been for the Warden-Commander, I may have tried to make an excuse to get out of it. Oh well, at least this occasion didn't require dancing.

I didn't know how Trevelyan could stand it. He tried telling me he didn't like these events either, but he seemed to enjoy himself quite a lot when Lady Montilyet put these together. Look at him over there, smiling with the ambassador. Two peas in a pod. As always there was an endless abundance of nobles flocking, vying for attention. Who knew where they even came from. The Orlesian ones were the worst. I sometimes was made to feel like a mere decoration. "Hush. Just stand there and look pretty," Leliana had teased.

I tried to stay hidden in the back so less people would bother me. I wasn't good at hiding my distaste when one of these fame seekers tried to hold a conversation with me. Lady Cassandra looked just as sour as I did, and I noticed Warden Cousland looked almost as unhappy standing on the other side of the room. She was trying to nod and be polite, but I could tell by her eyes she was just as miserable as I was. Every time I looked over to her, she slunk further and further back in the room, probably trying to find a place to hide. Strangely she had her eyes on me each time. I wasn't sure if it was coincidence or if she was trying to get my attention. She already had that. All she had to do was stand there looking the way she did for that. I still wasn't able to keep my eyes off of her. She was wearing her Warden armor and I had never seen a uniform hit someone in just the right places like that and still be practical. But it fit her well, skimed over her hips in just the right way and clung to her torso to show her curves. The way the collar sat high added a little bit of mystery. And the blue suited her. It made her skin glow. Her hair was different today, in a long braid that went down her breastplate. I remembered that was how she wore it when I met her at the circle. Then I had a sudden depraved thought that involved tugging on it. Quickly I righted my mind, removing it from the gutter and bringing my thoughts back to the present.

I looked over and I could see her talking with Dorian. He actually had her talking and laughing and he was putting a little light in her eyes that wasn't there before. I knew he was a flirt, but I also knew he was nothing to worry about. He flirted with anything that walked, especially if they looked nice. I could see him working on a bottle of wine he undoubtedly smuggled in and I pined at it. I would have killed for a swig of it. It might have made this party a bit more bearable. I was getting more uncomfortable if that was even possible. I swore I felt one of these nobles trying to grope at my bottom, and that was the last straw. I couldn't take any more. I made up my mind to leave, but I decided to look for Cousland before I went. I wanted to at least extend my welcome, it would have been rude just to leave. This party was for her and I hadn't said a word to her all night.

I made my way slowly through the crowd so as not to be obvious. She had made it all the way to the back and I saw her hand griping the latch of the door leading to the undercroft. She looked around furtively to see if anyone was watching her before she started to turn the handle. She was trying to sneak away, from her own party no less. I chuckled a bit and then I reached to stop her with a suddenly brazen feeling running through my veins. I wrapped my hand around the handle and pulled back on it, keeping her from leaving. Our fingers touched, sending a buzz up my arm.

"Going somewhere?" I said, thwarting her escape.

She looked up at me slightly startled and blushed a little as she pulled her hand back.

"Of course not," she said roguishly, an air of sarcasm to her voice. Then she grinned at me. I really did like her smile.

My throat caught before I could keep talking. I didn't want to lose my nerve now, I forced myself to keep my boldness. "You're the guest of honor and you mean to leave us?"

"Oh, it's not for me. Not really," she said.

"Who is it for then?" I replied. "My invitation said it was a welcome party for the Hero of Fereldan." And there it was again, that almost undetectable wince when she heard herself called that. She really didn't like it. Then again, I don't think I'd like it if they tried to call me the Hero of anything either.

She raised her brow and laughed audaciously. "They sent you an invitation? Like an actual parchment invitation? That's a bit pretentious don't you think."

"The ambassador and Inquisitor like to keep things rather formal...obviously." I said pointing to the uncomfortable jacket they've made me wear. I watched her eyes move over it and she seemed almost lost for a moment. Then she peeked her head around me looking in Trevelyan's direction.

"I suspect your ambassador has these salons just to see him in that spiffy dress coat," she said lowering her voice.

I turned around and looked in the direction she was looking. I saw Trevelyan and Lady Montilyet speaking, laughing with some noble about something that would probably send my eyes rolling to the back of my head. Nothing unusual. "Why do you say that?"

She tilted her head a bit. "Well, besides the fact that the Inquisitor and yourself are the only ones who look half decent in the thing, she seems to be enjoying his company quite a lot over there."

Apparently she liked the way it looked on me well enough. Half decent in this thing was the most I'd expect. "Is that your attempt at a compliment?" I asked in jest.

"Take it how you will," she shrugged her shoulder and flashed her long eyelashes at me. "I'm just glad they didn't try to give me one. She seems to like it on him though, the way she fawns."

I still didn't see it. "I'm sure you are mistaken. Josephine is friendly with everyone. That's her job. To keep everyone happy and if they're important enough to act amused when they try to make a joke."

"Then you didn't notice them in the war room?"

I tried to think of what could have happened during the last session, that was the only one she had been a part of. "I didn't notice much of anything in the war room during the last council." Except her of course and the way she kept looking at me, and the way her lips moved, and the way her hip jutted out to one side when she rested her hand on it. And right now I noticed how she looked a little less sad than when she first arrived. And how her cheeks were a little flushed and her eyes a little glazed from the drink I saw Dorian slip her earlier.

"Before it began," she said very softly. "They had this little smile they exchanged. Like they had a secret only they shared. It was very subtle, but it was there."

The way her voice smoothed over the air when she spoke low like that sent my insides reeling. It was sultry and sweet. "You don't think they...?" I questioned raising my brow.

"Maybe," she shrugged dismissing it. Then she turned her attention back to me. "What about you Commander, anyone special caught your eye?" She was biting her lip and I'm sure she thought she was probably just teasing me, but maybe she wanted to know if I was taken.

I cleared my throat and looked away at the distance so as not to meet her eye. This is where I would've been scratching the back of my neck if this jacket weren't so tight. I don't know how many times I've told them I need it let out. I gave her an answer I thought she might like, without being too obvious. "It's too soon to tell."

She laughed and when I looked back at her she was pressing her lips together and looking down trying to be shy. But she isn't shy, I know she isn't. A little awkward silence filled the air and I tried to think of something else to say instead of just staring at her. "How are you enjoying your party by the way?" I asked.

"It's wonderful," she answered, but I knew she was lying. I gave her the eye. "Okay fine, I hate it," she finally admitted. "I'm nothing to fuss over."

"Others seem to think so. You are the Hero of Fereldan after all," I said.

"Please don't call me that," she pled.

I sighed. "You don't like it, do you?"

"No," she shook her head weakly. "It only reminds me of a very dark time in my life. It reminds me of what I've lost," she murmured.

Everyone knew her story. How she had lost her family and given up her title to become a Grey Warden. How she and only one other Warden built an army and fought against the archdemon. How the other Warden, the one who she loved, sacrificed himself for her and the rest of Fereldan to end the blight. The Blight was devastating. I'd lost my parents and my childhood home to it. My siblings survived but were displaced. And while this was going on outside the walls of Kinloch, I was having an altogether different experience on the inside. The one that haunted me at night when I drifted off to the fade. And sometimes even during my waking hours.

"I have very similar feelings about the time during the Blight myself." I think I sounded rather bitter.

Her eyes dropped. I think we had been dancing around this subject since she arrived. Not acknowledging where we knew each other. "The circle. I remember," she said.

"I thought you would," I said letting out a large breath. "And you remember a crying bubbling fool of a boy, begging for death and revenge. It gives me shame." I couldn't look at her anymore.

"No," she said firmly. "What I remember is a young man who had been tortured and tempted by demons, but made it through his ordeal. Strong enough to have been the sole survivor. A man who seems to have come out better for it." She was too kind to look at it that way. I was damaged now, and ashamed of the things I've done since then.

"And I remember the Wardens who saved us from ourselves," I answered. "Then saved the world."

"All in a days work I suppose," she breathed. She finally looked back at me, making me raise my gaze again. "But it's been 10 years. If the best thing I ever did with my life happened when I was 19 years old, that just makes me a burnout."

She was wrong. What she did was great. "I wish I could say I had made such a contribution."

"You did didn't you?" she offers me. "You and Hawke saved Kirkwall together when the circle rebelled. Restored order to the city." I wouldn't have considered it that. More like trying to fix the mess we both made.

I shook my head. "I'm afraid it may have been beyond saving by the time I stepped in. After what I let Meredith do. After what the mage did."

I saw pain and agitation move across her face. "That mage was one of mine. I conscripted Anders and then... I knew what was in him and I let him go. I can't help but feel responsible."

"What happened in Kirkwall would have happened without Anders, eventually. Nobody does anything until its too late. I never thought that would be me. I will never hesitate to act again." I haven't talked about these things with anyone for a long time. Maybe not ever. I was comfortable with her. And now silence hung but it wasn't awkward or uncomfortable. It served to clear the air. Then she spoke again.

"Forgive me, but I don't think I can handle much more of this morbid conversation," she laughed nervously.

"Agreed. It's a party. We're supposed to be enjoying ourselves." And I am, despite the subject matter.

All this time we'd been talking in a room full of people, but it felt like we were alone. It gave me pause. That hasn't ever really happened to me before. It was a strange feeling. I knew I was attracted to her, but it was suddenly something more. Looking at her made me feel...certain of something, but I wasn't sure what.

We talked a little longer. I managed to make her laugh a few times. We gave ourselves permission to leave once the Inquisitor retired. Once she was gone and I trekked up to my tower alone, it left me feeling that something was missing. I knew she would only be here for another week or two at most. Then she would leave for the Approach and probably not be back. I might have had a mind to make the most of that time, but I also knew it was not a good idea. Getting involved would be wrong. Still, who said there was anything wrong with a little bit of fun?


	3. Join the Wardens they said, it'll be fun they said

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has been revised, has had a scene added. I've been doing some heavy editing on this story, I apologize, I wish I had it where I wanted from the start. I sometimes just get so excited to get a new chapter out.

_[Elissa]_

When I try to sleep, it's there. The song without a tune. It's not saying anything, not telling me to do anything. It's just there. Whispering at the edges of my mind. If I don't keep myself distracted enough, I hear it. Sometimes I can't ignore it. There's a reason they name it the Calling, because that's what it does. It calls to you without words, it beckons you in an unknown direction, it murmurs your name without actually saying it. The music is there but at the same time it's not. Like a song you can't get out of your head. I'm losing my mind I think. My ears don't hear it, but my mind does and my whole body feels it. For now it's soft, but it still moves through me, my blood yearns for it begging to be lost in it's haunting song forever. I can't stand it. I just want to make it stop. We all just wanted to make it stop. But I wouldn't do it the way Clarel wanted. We could never resort to using blood magic. We cannot save ourselves by putting at risk the greater good. I remind myself it's not real, this Calling is not real, I should not fear it. I don't know how, but I'm convinced Corypheus did this. Only the Inquisitor and Hawke know what I suffer, what all Wardens are suffering right now. I don't want them to think I'm being controlled by it. If they knew someone was capable of putting a song in my head, the only logical conclusion was assuming they could plant thoughts too. The other Wardens think it should be kept a secret, but I had to tell someone. Corypheus, the Calling, the Red Lyrium. I think it's all connected, but how? I've found hints, but no proof.

I've been getting by on surprisingly little sleep since it started. At night, when it's quiet, that is when it gets worse, when it gets louder. I didn't want that banquet, but now I miss it. I miss the roar drowning out the music that only I can hear, the talking that served as a distraction from it. And I almost think I might miss something else...someone else. Solitude never bothered me before the Calling, in fact I preferred it. It was safe. Now it's almost painful.

At daybreak I got out of bed. I had only slept a few hours, but it didn't matter. One thing about the taint, it gives you stamina you never knew you could have. I've went days without sleeping before when the situation called for it. Maybe that's why we get so hungry. I of course made my way to the kitchens first, downing as much hot cereal as I could. Hidden in the corner with a wooden spoon to my mouth, hurrying before the cooks realized a pot was missing. Then I sat down with everyone else and had a more socially acceptable amount to eat. I still felt like I could have more. The Commander was never at breakfast. They said he eats with his troops most mornings and only sporadically joins them at the table for meals. I hoped I hadn't been too obvious asking after him.

The Inquisitor is there each day and I still can't believe no one noticed what was going on between him and their ambassador. I woke some days early enough to see her coming from his quarters. Whatever they have been doing at night always has a smile plastered all over her face. She's always trying desperately to suppress it. The Inquisitor does a better job hiding his gay mood. I can't remember the last time I smiled or felt like that. All of this became my daily routine, as did stopping every once in a while to make small talk with Commander Cullen. Every day I would ask him why we missed him at breakfast and he'd complain he had too much to do and then we'd go back and forth until he would finally turn away and go back to his work. And I was left each day wondering if the tension I felt between us was entirely one sided.

Several days into my stay, I was approached by the Inquisitor after breakfast.

"Warden-Commander," I heard myself called by Trevelyan as I walked through the courtyard. I had just passed the sparring enclosure where I was talking with Cullen. When I looked over I noticed the Commander looking up from the recruit he was instructing and he gave the Inquisitor a scowl. He must have known what this was about. "I hoped I could speak with you again."

"Of course, Inquisitor. I was just on my way to try to purchase a sharpening stone, but it can wait."

"Nonsense, come with me and we'll get you one from the smith. We can talk there," he said motioning me to follow.

"Very well," I nodded.

We passed their Seeker hacking away at a dummy and stepped inside the smithy. When we walked through the door it was hot, nearly unbearably. Several weapons and shields lined a long row of tables and a red hot furnace burned on the far wall, illuminating the entire room. Two men were hammering away at glowing twisted metal of some sort, while one sat on a short stool wiping his brow and taking a rest. Each of them barely looked up and nodded at the Inquisitor as he fetched me a small whetstone.

"This one should do for a set of daggers," he said handing it off to me. He took a seat on top of an empty table top and crossed his arms and feet, dipping his head deep in thought. "Now, I wondered if we could discuss something."

"I'm listening," I said cautiously.

"Yesterday I had a chat with Hawke, and he mentioned something I didn't know about Corypheus. He told me the Wardens had been holding him prisoner for some time before he escaped. I was hoping that meant you had a bit more information about him." His tone was bordering on being accusatory.

I exhaled and sat on the table beside him. "I wish I had more to offer you, but I don't." It wasn't the whole truth. I did know a little more, but it was nothing I could share with him. At least not for now. "I didn't even know he existed until the incident with Hawke. I started my own investigation, but I only found hints about who or what he really was. I'm afraid you know more about him than even I do. Honestly we all thought he was dead."

"You're sure there's nothing you've left out?" he asked insistently. "What about this ritual you spoke of? Does it have anything to do with him?"

"I can't be certain," I said lifting my shoulders and shaking my head. "I don't even know what it does. I only know that it may involve blood magic and that for some reason it has to be performed at that ritual tower."

"The Western Approach is notorious for how thin the veil is, the location makes sense," he said scratching his finger thoughtfully under his clean-shaven chin.

"There is one thing," I said remembering something I had seen. "When we started to hear the Calling, I was with a group investigating a thiag in the deep roads. We were clearing it, searching for ancient tomes hoping they might mention something about red lyrium. Hawke had come to us for help, so we went there looking. I thought one of the documents I had found mentioned Corypheus, but I couldn't read the glyphs myself. I was going to take it to have it interpreted but it got lost in our panic to the surface. That tome is still lying somewhere on our path. No one has been down there since."

"It could be worth a trip to find this tome," he nodded. "Even if we don't find out more about Corypheus, it would be still be useful for the information on the lyrium. After we return from the Approach we can look into it."

"I agree, if I am able to return then perhaps we can discuss an expedition to fetch the tome."

"If you've been looking into red lyrium, you should speak with our arcanist, Dagna," he offered. "She's been doing some research for me on the subject."

"Dagna? I know that name," I replied. "She wouldn't happen to be a dwarf who studied at the circle would she?"

"She did mention knowing the Hero of Fereldan, you should go see her. I'm sure she would be delighted," he said patting me on the back.

"I think I will."

I waited until the next day to visit her lair in the undercroft. She had a lot to say. She was overly excited to be here working with the Inquisition. She had done very well with her studies over the last decade and she credited me for encouraging her to pursue it. She took some time and showed me a bit of what she could do and even put an enchantment on my bow. I had never bothered with one before, but I decided to give it a try. And of course I chose fire. Who doesn't want fire? She easily guessed I wanted fire.

I was excited to test out the upgrade on my bow, so I made my way to the archery field where I could sink my arrows into something. Most of my time was spent in close combat using a set of daggers, but what I really enjoyed was the thrill of pulling at the string of a good longbow. I didn't get the chance to use my skill enough, it's just not practical in close quarters like the deep roads. I hadn't bothered with my armor for several days. I was enjoying the lightness I felt without it and the illusion that it gave me some anonymity. There aren't as many stares and wide eyes when you aren't traipsing around in bright blue and silver with a griffon plastered across your chest. Some still recognized me though. Mostly Fereldans.

On my way to the practice grounds I passed the Commander drilling his troops. Another area his awkwardness faded. He was pacing back and forth, his eyes were black and he had his hands in a fist at his sides scowling at the formation of soldiers. I paused and watched for a moment and at one of his turns he saw me and lightened his expression for barely a second and nodded at me before he was back to his regiment, barking commands. I had to take a deep breath and use the movement of my lungs to push down what he so easily made rise in my chest, the almost burning sensation. I forgot the bow in my hands and tried to remember why I came out here, until my hands started to sting, about to blister from how tight I was griping and twisting the wood of my bow while I watched him. Seeing him take charge gives me very, very bad ideas. I had to shoot something before I jumped from my skin.

Once at the range I was greeted by Varric and Bianca. Damn dwarf had me referring to that crossbow like it was a person now too.

"Varric," I said sharply giving him a grin. "Still playing with that toy of yours I see."

He gave me a chuckle and a mischievous smile. "Bianca is a dangerous woman, I wouldn't upset her if I were you Warden."

Bianca has power, I'll give him that. But she lacks the elegance I find so alluring in a traditional bow. I shrugged. "Oh, I don't know. I think she might be all talk." I said it almost as a challenge.

"Well, I'd like to show you just how lethal she can be, but we're just finishing up. I have... somewhere else I'm supposed to be," he grumbled. He sounded entirely unenthusiastic.

"You don't sound very excited," I said with a bit of a laugh.

"I've been summoned by the Seeker. Can't keep her waiting," he sighed sounding quite defeated.

"Cassandra. Now that's someone to be afraid of," I jested.

He threw Bianca over his shoulder, walking backwards until he was well on his way. "You have no idea, Warden."

Once I secured the bracer on my left arm, I stepped up taking my spot in front of a target. Its body was made of a sack stuffed tight with grain and its head made of solid wood. Hopefully the fire I'd picked wouldn't do too much damage to the dummy and send it bursting to flame. I pointed my bow down toward the ground to load it. Once I'd positioned myself properly, in one fluid motion I raised and drew my bow and I loosened my arrow sending it soaring into the dummy's chest. I could see the fire on my arrow, but it didn't burn. It seemed someone had enchanted the dummy with some sort of fire protection spell. Genius idea really, now I could really have a go at the thing. One after another, I kept sinking my arrows into the target, only missing it upon a few of my attempts at a shot between the dummy's eyes. It seemed the protection spell only extended to the body of the target and I was rewarded with a quick burning burst of flame when I finally met the head with my arrows. Fire really was the way to go.

After nearly an hour of shooting, a voice rang behind me. I turned from the target to see Cullen walking toward me. "Varric told me you were out here. You know, I would have pegged you for the type who liked to hit things rather than shoot them."

"Commander Cullen," I greeted. "You've finished your morning drills."

He nodded while he rested his hands on the grip of his sword. "I've handed them off to my Leftenant for weapons training. They'll likely be there until dusk."

"Vigorous training schedule," I remarked. "Quite rough on them I see."

"It's for their own good. Some of them have never even held a sword, much less been in combat." he sighed. I could see the worry creasing over his face. "They'll be facing seasoned warriors, Templars crazed with red lyrium. I want them to be ready."

"Most Warden recruits come to us already experienced. We don't have to spend much time on training luckily," I explained.

I saw his eyes run over me and rest on my face. "Yet here you are, training."

"This isn't training, this is entertainment," I grinned.

"No one said training couldn't be enjoyable. I appreciate the physical activity myself. I will admit though, I never quite understood the appeal of the bow. I much prefer the swing of a sword and being in the middle of the action. Feeling it in my bones when I've hit my target. Not hanging back at a safe distance letting others take the brunt of the attack," he mused.

"Ouch...," I grimaced. "I suppose that's one way to put it. I don't think I've had my courage called to question so bluntly, at least not recently."

He stumbled over his words a bit. "Forgive me, I didn't mean... I think I've put my foot in my mouth. Ignore me."

"No matter. I don't really get the chance to use my arrows very often anyway. A bow isn't really practical in small spaces like the deep roads. I usually hold my own with a set of daggers, but this brings me much more...pleasure," I said with a smirk.

I had caused one brow to raise. "Pleasure?" he asked. "I'm afraid you'll have to explain."

"There's just...something about it." I started off rather dreamily. "Archery is very much a ritual. When you're holding a bow and you know how to use it, it can be quite satisfying. Unlike metal, the bow is light and elegant. There's a certain feeling when you hold it in your palm, bring it up level to your ear and bend back on the string. You know you are in complete control. Your concentration blocks out the rest of the world. It's only you and your target. Your whole body is taut, your power focused just to your fingers. And then with the blink of an eye, you loose the arrow and relinquish your control and a moment of time stands still between you and the target and now everything is left to fate. You can feel the fletching move through your fingers when you load it, feel the pressure build as you tug on the string, you hear the arrow hiss away when you release it, and if you're lucky you get to watch as it's shaft plunges into the target. Then the thud left in your ears gives you your release. Then you load your bow and do it all over again. And you are given release after release. And the best part is when you walk away from battle, you can do so without a single drop of blood staining your fingers." I think I had gotten lost somewhere in the explanation because I forgot he was even standing there. I loved the bow, obviously. I had to shake myself from my own thoughts and return to the man that stood before me.

Something in his look said that I affected him with my speech. I could see the nub in his throat bob as he swallowed then cleared his throat. I realized the way I spoke of plunging shafts and releases could be interpreted rather sexually if one had a perverse mind. He looked like the wholesome type, but those were the ones with the dirtiest minds.

"I think I may have to take up archery," he murmured, staring off until he snapped himself back and started scratching at the back of his neck. "I um, I've just remembered I have some trebuchet calibrations that I must tend to. A..ah...another time, Lady Cousland." he nodded to me.

"Wait," I laughed. "You must have come out here for a reason?"

He cleared his throat again. "Right...ah... War Council. Trevelyan, he wants you to come to the next War Council. Tomorrow. I told him I'd relay the message."

"I'll see you there," I yelled after.

Well that was abrupt. By the looks of it I had scared him off.

Maker's balls!

* * *

_[Cullen]_

I was at a distance watching Cousland draw her bow, she did so with exacting precision. She didn't know I was back there gawking at her. I said to myself I was staying back because I didn't want to break her focus or end up with an arrow in my backside if I caught her by surprise. Honestly I just liked watching her. I didn't want it to stop. She was strong and she knew what she was doing. She could handle her weapon, and she was a Grey Warden so I shouldn't have been surprised. But I was when I saw her. It was easy to forget what she was when she wasn't wearing her armor. She was different without it. I've met women like her before. They're vixens. They hide their power under the guise of a soft curved body and a pretty face and then they strike with a fury unlike any other. They are alluring but also deadly. This was the first time I had taken notice of one like this though.

Andraste preserve me.

Cousland was plucking her arrows from the target sack when I decide to make my presence known. She was walking up the pit, towards me, back to her starting position when she noticed me. I could tell when she walked she didn't know just how seductive the sway of her hips were. She thinks she's just walking when she does it. She paused slightly when our eyes caught, I could tell she was trying to keep the corners of her mouth from turning up. Watching her made my mind go blank. I came out here for a reason and I was trying to remember why.

I spent only a few minutes with her chatting, still trying to remember why I came to see her. I don't know what had changed but suddenly she was making me a little nervous. I think watching her, I had let myself get intimidated. This was not just any woman, she was a Grey Warden, the Hero of Fereldan, before that she was born to a noble house, and I reminded myself she was only here temporarily. I was sweating listening to her speak and watching the way she moved. She wasn't wearing her Warden armor, and I could see all her curves in what she was wearing. I didn't want to admit to myself or anyone else how appreciative I was of a woman's bust, I had to try very hard not to look. It was distracting, but I think I did a good job of hiding that. It didn't take long before she had me running off scared. For Andraste's sake, she was only talking about shooting a weapon. But her voice, I could only imagine the other places she used that low, sultry voice. It dips and her eyes go blank while she talks about the damn bow she's holding. She was talking about the release of it and I can only think of how I long for such a thing. I haven't had even the hint of a tryst since before the rebellion in Kirkwall. There hasn't been time. But now, here at Skyhold, we have these moments of pause between missions and meetings and battles, and you were given the chance to realize you still had needs and wants. My frustration had been building and she only made it worse.

I didn't know what I thought I was doing. I didn't pursue women like this and I certainly never made the first move, I've never had the time or the boldness to pursue romance. Any encounter I've ever had just sort of...happened. There wasn't any planning or seduction. I didn't have to work for it. If I truly decide I want her in any capacity, I had a feeling she would make me work for it. She would wait for me to make a move if I could ever build up the nerve. I would likely only end up alone, palming myself in the dark. I wondered how many men had tried to bed her, even since arriving here. If she was looking for the comfort of a man's arms, it wouldn't take her long to find it and I could lose my chance.

I knew I was over-thinking it. I didn't know why she was affecting me in such a way. I had never wanted someone so badly in my life, I had barely just met her. Well, more like reacquainted with her I suppose. I did know her briefly before, it wasn't like she was a perfect stranger I was trying to swoop in on. There was a certain intimacy I felt with what she had seen of me many years ago. It made things altogether confusing.

There was a mage once, in the circle at Kinloch that I was infatuated with. I was just a boy then really, and I had never been with a woman before. I didn't know what to do when she gave me her attention. I knew I could never have her. She was a mage, I was a Templar. It was forbidden. I ran scared from her too. And now I had developed a similar infatuation with a Grey Warden. Equally as ill-advised. Still...when Kirkwall fell, I promised myself I would never again be a man of inaction. Next time I would not let my feet carry me away like a coward.

After I left her, it didn't take long before someone grabbed my attention in the courtyard, shoving a report in my hand that needed immediate attention. Again I was swindled into performing some menial task that I happily agreed to like a good little Chantry boy vying for his superior's affection. One of my officers could easily have handled it, but the Inquisitor always requested I take care of these things personally. Whatever kept him happy. I didn't mind staying busy. Maybe that's why he did it to me, to keep me feeling essential after I threatened to abandon my post. It wasn't long ago I had wanted to hand my command off to more capable hands, I wanted to pour lyrium into my veins again, but he talked me down from it. For that I was grateful, but now I suffered for it.

I checked on my Leftenant and my troops, trying to focus on something besides the rising feeling in my gut and elsewhere. They served as a perfect distraction. They still required so much work. I wondered if we would ever be ready for what Corypheus would undoubtedly throw our way. There were a few promising recruits at least, and they were the ones I was the hardest on. I found myself yelling my familiar phrase often. "There's a shield in your hand, block with it!" I think they've heard it from my lips so many times they probably have nightmares about it. For some it's become a running joke, but when I said it, I meant it. Being pissed off at these louts at least served to occupy my mind. I didn't spending the evening and the entire next day anticipating the coming War Council.

When the time for the council arrived the following day, I pass through Josephine's office and as I open the door I heard the echos of voices at the end of the hall. I barely peeked through the door and I could see Cousland and Sister Leliana speaking. Cousland looked upset and I could faintly hear their conversation. She used her hands quite a lot when she spoke.

"I'm telling you Leliana, something is not right about that man!"

My ears perked and I felt a lump form in my throat. Had I done something wrong, I just hoped she was not speaking of me. I must have misread something. Leliana grabbed her forearms to still her hands. I heard her reply. "Elissa, are you sure? The Inquisitor trusts him and my resources are limited. I can't waste my time on investigating a feeling."

Cousland groaned in frustration. "As I have said before, this isn't a feeling, it's a sense. Just the way you taste or...or hear. Blackwall doesn't..." She was stopped and shushed by the spymaster. They both looked up at me. Cousland straightened her back and tugged on her tunic looking my way, clenching her jaw, aggravated. What in the world could she have against Blackwall, he was a fellow Warden?

Leliana glared at me and crossed her arms. "Commander Cullen, I think it's best you leave the spying up to the spymaster."

I stammered through an answer. "I wasn't, I mean I was just...I...I didn't hear anything, I swear it," I shrugged.

They were both glaring at me cross armed now. They didn't believe me. I wondered if real daggers came from their eyes would they reach me at this distance. Cousland bent her knee and turned toward me, jutting out her hip. I saw her eyebrow raise as she said, "By the looks of it we have to keep an eye on the Commander too."

I swallowed as I looked at her with widened eyes. I knew I had gotten myself in trouble with both women. When I pulled the door to the ambassador's office closed, they had already slammed the door to the War room behind them. When I reached the door, I opened it very cautiously. There was just silence to meet my ears and by the looks of it they were just as cross with each other as they were with me. We were waiting on the Inquisitor as always and Josephine was likely to wait to join us until he passed through her office. Perhaps Cousland did have some validity to her suspicions about Trevelyan and Montilyet, I thought. I swore an eternity passed and no one had said a word. I only heard sighs and the rustling of parchment. Cousland was leaning in the corner staring blankly, gnawing on her fingernails with her ankles crossed. I had my nose in a report to seem occupied, but I couldn't keep myself from stealing glances at her. Our eyes met once or twice. I cleared my throat and tried to play it off as coincidence. Most of the paper rustling came from Sister Leliana's direction and she did not let go of her hardened expression.

Finally our other party members joined us. As usual Josephine started the council, reciting names I would never recognize, even if my life depended on it. I really didn't care to remember them. I only ever half listened. Politics usually sent my eyes soaring to the ceiling. Leliana updated us next on the status of her scouts. They had yet to send word from the Approach. They wouldn't have arrived yet anyway. Travel there takes nearly two weeks depending on weather conditions. It had been perhaps 10 days. I gave a brief training update, went over our weapons inventory, and shared my assessment of our current morale and military situation.

Cousland tilted her head and gave me a strange look, like she was expecting more. "What about your trebuchet calibrations, Commander? I thought you'd have something to say about that."

I was screaming inside and trying not to turn a crimson shade. The Inquisitor was clearly confused as he frowned at me. "Trebuchet? I didn't think those had arrived yet, Cullen," he questioned me.

I had been caught. Leliana was snickering in the corner and Cousland had her hand up trying to stifle a laugh. I was trying to think of a logical explanation, not one that involved running to my tower to relieve myself of the tension in my trousers. "I thought they had," I said clearing my throat, trying not to sweat. "A simple miscommunication"

"If you say so," Leliana interjected and I shot her the same glare she had so kindly provided to me earlier.

The Inquisitor turned to Cousland after that was cleared up. "Warden-Commander," he addressed her. "I know we've been over it, but I feel I need further explanation. I'm still wondering what reason the Wardens could have to work with Corypheus." He was on this again. I couldn't count how many times he had hounded her about Corypheus and the Wardens, in and out of the war room. I told him not to approach her the way he did yesterday. "Do they not understand his purpose? You're sure they aren't being controlled by him somehow?"

I watched her eyes go black, absolute shock rocked her face. She took a moment to compose herself. "I thought we had cleared this up yesterday.  _We_  are not being controlled by him, I assure you! I cannot stress that enough. Manipulated maybe. Besides, I thought I had made it clear I don't know for sure whether Corypheus is invovled," she says firmly. Trevelyan had clearly offended her. He sometimes forgets these are people we are dealing with and not pieces of metal on a table top. She took a few deep breaths and her head shook back and forth weakly. "They're afraid," she murmured. "They are acting on fear, not malice. They are under no one's control but their own, out of sense of loyalty to Clarel and duty to the order."

All but Trevelyan looked around confused. He knew something we didn't. "Afraid of what?" Leliana asked.

She closed her eyes and her look was one of resolve. She was trying to hold on to her principals. She told us at our first meeting she couldn't reveal to us everything about the Wardens. "There are still some secrets of the Grey I have swore to protect. I made an oath that cannot be broken. Some secrets are too dangerous."

"You've mentioned this thing you're hearing, the Calling," the Inquisitor said.

She looked up at the Inquisitor in surprise, her mouth was gaping. He said something he shouldn't have, that I was sure of. Her gaze dropped and I saw something like shame on her face. "I'd rather not explain it. Just know that it's enough to make them take...drastic measures. I've already told you what Clarel is capable of. And the Wardens are following her orders. Most Wardens, that is. Obviously I don't agree with her actions, that is why I'm here. But I refuse to continue this circular discussion. I have told you everything I can."

"There's nothing else you can offer?" he pesters. Cousland's shoulders dropped and she stared at him again, trying to keep her jaw off the floor. Trevelyan had crossed her one too many times. She was about to blow.

I tried to calm the situation when no one else would step in. I was becoming very frustrated, wasn't it Josephine's job to play diplomat? I tried to convey to him with a look that he had over-stepped, hinting to put the subject to rest. "Inquisitor," I said interrupting quickly. "I'm sure we will find out more on your mission to the Approach."

He finally yielded. "You're right, Commander, of course," he said with a nod, straightening his jacket.

"If that's everything then, can we please dismiss," I begged. The Inquisitor nodded and gave his motion of dismissal. He was the first out the door. If he had stayed in that room any longer I'm not sure he would have made it out unscathed. He was our leader, but that did not make him immune to being an ass sometimes.

Thank the Maker that was over.

The room was cleared, save for Lady Cousland and I. She was still sulking, staring absently at the map on the war table's top with her arms hugging her body. I hung back to have a brief moment alone with her. Something about this room made me a little less nervous, it was easier to talk, and to listen. "Lady Cousland, are you alright?" I asked, moving a bit closer to her. Speaking of whatever this 'calling' was had affected her.

"I do not appreciate my mental status being questioned in such a way. It's humiliating. That was not a piece of information he was meant to share." She didn't know I understood, but I did. I could only imagine how I would react if the Inquisitor had brought up my lyrium withdrawal in front of everyone, asked me about my symptoms, or questioned my control. No one wanted to feel they were not in their right mind. Especially when they had shared something that caused this much pain.

"Whatever it is he spoke of, I'm sure he didn't mean to offend," I offered.

"He's a mage, how would he like it if I asked him if he was being controlled by a demon?" she snapped.

I chuckled because I know he would lose it. "I think I might like to see that. He may set half of Skyhold ablaze, but it could be worth it."

That got her to laugh. "Don't encourage me, I just might do it."

"Just say the word and I'll have him fed to the dogs," I said trying to joke. It elicited another laugh from her pretty lips.

After a moment, she was still looking at me appreciatively, our eyes locked on one another in silence. We were left standing there, staring at each other, not sure what else to say, but almost not needing to say anything. Her eyes were fluttering, studying my face while she smirked. My heart was pounding erratically in my chest looking at her. Then the door opened with a loud resounding screech from the hinges and startled us both, making us jump away in opposite directions.

"Elissa," Leliana complained. "Are you coming or not? I thought you wanted to continue our discussion. The one we were having before the Commander so  _rudely_  interrupted."

Maker's breath, that was close. I think I nearly kissed her.

 


	4. It's a Warden thing, okay

_[Elissa]_

"Bloody bastard," I murmured under my breath. I'd held it together long enough to make it to the staircase leading to Leliana's little base of operations, but now we were alone and I had been fuming silently long enough. I needed to let it out. Leliana was ahead of me on the staircase. My clomping was in stark contrast to her careful light movements. You could barely hear her steps creaking on the wood. She stopped and turned when my grumbling bounced off the walls and echoed through the chamber.

"What was that?" Leliana said furrowing her brows at me.

I blew out a large bit of air, trying to ease my frustration. "What Trevelyan did back there. I feel like an idiot for trusting him."

She nodded her head motioning me to her desk where she took a seat. Every move she made was so careful, she calculates each step, each flick of a finger and even sits a certain way. Every breath she took was planned.

"He spoke out of turn when he mentioned the Calling, didn't he?" she said sympathetically, keeping her voice low. She was one of the few who knew of the Calling and what it was, but I never told her I was hearing it. I didn't want the look I was getting from her, the look you give a poor wounded animal just before you put them out of their misery. Eyes reserved for a dying pup. I guess it fit, my father used to call me pup. I just hoped I wasn't really dying.

I walked past her, having no desire to meet her gaze. Instead I looked out of a small window that sat behind her, only the mountain peaks visible from this height. "I didn't want to worry you," I felt a lump form as I tried to swallow my guilt for keeping her in the dark. The pity in her eyes only served to anger me further. "Right foul git!" I said through clenched teeth, my head shaking back and forth weakly.

"I'm not sure he realized his mistake," she offered.

I turned away from the window and leaned close over the table, directly across from her. I wanted no mistaking the seriousness of my tone. "He knew exactly what he was doing. He thought if he caught me off guard I would spill all my secrets." I pushed away from the table, taking my gaze back to the window. "Instead he just embarrassed me."

I felt the heat rising to my cheeks the moment he addressed me. I knew more questioning was coming. Why else did he need me at the council. Perhaps he thought in front of an audience I would be willed into revealing more. But I couldn't. He didn't understand the oaths I was held under. I had already broken enough promises to the Wardens, I was trying to hold on to as many vows as I could at this point. I disobeyed enough orders and told enough of our secrets. It put the Wardens in danger, made us more vulnerable. At least that's what the order would have us believe. The Wardens did love their secrets. I wasn't ready to let any more slip, not until I knew more. Not until I knew for sure what Clarel was up to. Until I knew the order was completely lost to Corypheus. When the Inquisitor's questioning came, I didn't know it would take the turn it did. I couldn't guess he would start accusing us of being controlled. And he revealed my secret about the Calling. I think I was the most upset about that.

He didn't understand how our connection worked, who would really? Outside the order they didn't know what we did to ourselves. We were luckier than the darkspawn, we have never been able to be controlled by the blight. Our taint only gives us a glimpse into their world, at least until the end. Until the Calling. I had been trying to hide the fact that we were all hearing it from as many people as possible. I wasn't supposed to tell anyone. Clarel thought it would make us look weak if anyone knew, and more than that, I didn't want anyone to know I was suffering. And people tended to look at you a certain way when you said you were hearing things. I told the Inquisitor and I told Hawke. I thought it would help them understand, but it didn't. The way Hawke looked at me, I knew what he was thinking. He gave me the same Maker damned look Leliana had right now. And then I knew his thoughts went to his brother. The Inquisitor knew this was a secret, but he opened his bloody mouth anyway. And the way he revealed it to the others made my blood boil, the way he said it was condescending and had just a hint of sarcasm like he thought I had made the whole thing up. Now everyone either pitied me or they'd think I'd gone mad because I was hearing things. Neither one was a feeling I particularly enjoyed.

"Don't take it personally," she shrugged. "Things are different inside the circles, most mages have learned to be a bit underhanded and they're not the least bit tactful."

"Isn't his father a Bann or something?" I snapped. "He should know how to be more diplomatic with his insults. Haven't you taught him that game of yours yet."

"My darling Elissa," she chuckled. "It's called THE Game, and I'm afraid not everyone can play it well. Despite his nobility, he spent most of his life being raised inside a tower. They say his magic manifested itself quite early."

I didn't want to hear about the circle and the excuses mages made for their behavior because of it. I'd had enough bad dealings with mages to last a lifetime. They were more trouble than they were worth. They were either damaged from being in a circle or damaged because they'd been on the run all their lives. Morrigan, Anders, Clarel. All of them were a huge pain in my arse. Maxwell Trevelyan was turning out to be just another to add to the list. He was nothing but a presumptuous... asinine...fire shitting mage! Leliana continued her defense. "I doubt he had much opportunity to learn proper manners."

"Well that much is obvious," I said shaking my head. I couldn't stand to look at her anymore with those eyes, still full of sympathy. I crossed the room and leaned on the wall next to small shrine that was no doubt constructed by Leliana. Her devotion to the Maker was so strong. I might admire it if I gave a rat's ass about that sort of thing. "Never mind the circle, he acts more like he was raised in the stables."

"Or by a pack of wild dogs, as our old friend was fond of saying, yes?" she giggled.

I spun around rolling my eyes at her. "Well, thanks for that. I'd almost made it a whole day without being reminded of my dead lover." I grumbled crossing my arms at my chest. "I think even Morrigan has better manners than the Inquisitor does."

"Come now, he's not that bad." She sighed, coming behind me to squeeze my shoulder. An attempt at comfort, but I wasn't really one for it, not anymore. "And as for Alistair. It's been a decade since you lost him, Elissa. It was practically another lifetime, we should be able to talk about him without you getting upset. We all had so many happy times together. And I hope you would have... moved on by now, yes?" The way she said moved on was entirely suggestive and just in case I didn't get it she added a nudge with her elbow.

"And we're back at this again, are we? I've moved on Leliana," I spat. "I've moved on quite a few times actually, but..."

"But you never forget your first love," she mused "I understand. You know my story, everything that happened with Marjolaine. I don't let it stop me from enjoying myself," she said with a devious giggle. "If you're over it, why haven't you found anyone more...permanent yet?"

"You haven't let it stop you? Leliana, you pour yourself into your work. I've been here nearly a week and this is one of the first times I've even been able to speak with you. I had to catch you on the way to the council to talk to you about Blackwall."

"We're not talking about me, we're talking about you," she insisted. "I just wish you could find someone who makes you as happy as Alistair did."

"Have you forgotten what I am? What's going to happen to me? What am I supposed to do, introduce myself and say 'by the way, I'll be dead in 20 years so I hope you're not in this for long haul.' I don't think that makes for a very good conversation starter."

"It could be another Warden, wouldn't that make things easier...Wait, there was someone once," she said thoughtfully. "What happened with...?"

I threw my head back, I knew exactly where she was going. Toward an awful mistake. "Please don't mention Carver Hawke again. That was scratching an itch and we were just unfortunate enough to be caught by his brother who, by the way, does not have a discrete bone in his body. I have never heard the end of it. Carver is handsome, but also a whiny little shit. He's jealous of anyone that has an inkling of something he doesn't. He couldn't stand that I had something over him with this stupid title. And he always had to be on top. The man-child has issues."

"That was something I certainly did not need to know," she laughed covering her mouth.

"Maker's Breath, Leliana, can we please talk about something else?" I begged. "Didn't you drag me up here to continue our discussion about Blackwall."

Yesterday it dawned on me why I felt so uneasy about Warden Blackwall, what was so off about him. For most of the day I considered keeping it to myself. It was, after all, not my secret to tell. But the longer I thought about it, the more it bothered me. I had sacrificed so much as a Warden, and if this man had not, I needed know. We all needed to know. I was not about to let some prick claim glory for a burden he does not bear. Just before the war council, I decided to take it to Leliana. Not only was she the Inquisition's spymaster, but she was also my friend. I could trust her with this information, and she'd know how to dig around and find the truth. But she was surprisingly unreceptive.

"Fine," she groaned. "So much for girl talk. Tell me about this suspicion of yours, why do you think Blackwall is not trustworthy?"

"Do I really have to explain it to you again?" She looked at me expectantly, waiting. I sighed. Fine, I would have to explain it to her all over again. "You've heard me speak of the Grey Warden's connection with the darkspawn, how we...feel when they're near. Usually we can sense it in other Warden's too, though more faintly. I don't sense this in Blackwall at all. Either he is not what he says he is, or...he has found a way to cure himself of the blight."

She considered for a moment. "Which is not very likely." It's a question as much as it is a statement.

"No," I shook my head. "I've been researching it for years."

"You have?" she asked me with eyes widened. She seemed shocked, though I don't know why. I'm willing to give my life for the Wardens, but not senselessly. Not just because some damned song says it's time to give in and let the blight take me.

"Believe it or not I would love to delay my imminent death. But I've found nothing. I find it highly unlikely this man has stumbled upon a cure and failed to share it with the rest of his brethren."

"So you think he's lying about who or perhaps what he is. I don't know which would be worse. That he's lying or that he's willing to let the rest of the Grey Wardens die," she said thoughtfully.

"There was a real Blackwall. I do remember Duncan speaking of him."

"If you're sure, I will look into it," she said. "Discretely."

"Thank you," I gave her a warm smile and rested my hand on her shoulder. "I knew I could trust you."

"What are friends for?" she shrugged. I wanted that to be the end of it, but she had a smirk on her face, one I knew I had seen every time she had wrangled me into trouble.

I quickly turned and started down the steps, barely making it down the first two. "If that is all then?" I said waving. I forgot how silent and quick she was. She was already right behind me, gripping my arm and turning me to face her.

"Not so fast," she glared at me, her arms crossed and her foot tapping. "I want something from you in exchange."

"I knew it was too good to be true," I sighed sticking out my chin and preparing myself for the worst. "What sort of trouble are you getting me into then?"

"No trouble. I just need your help with some research of my own. I know you've been looking into this red lyrium for Hawke. The Inquisition has some interest too. I just want you to read all of our reports and see if you have anything else to contribute. Maybe you can help make sense of it all. Some of these documents mention the Warden's too," she explained.

If there was one thing I hated, it was reports. This Inquisition was so damned fond of their reports. They were always being shoved into hands around Skyhold, passed around among advisors and officers. I hadn't written or read a single report in ages and I liked that way. "Sounds dreadfully boring, but for you I suppose I can manage my way through a few."

"Good, here's everything I have," Leliana said smugly handing me a large pile of parchment and ledgers. I nearly fell over at the unexpected weight in my arms. These were not just a few reports, this was nearly a library. I imagine she expected me to pour over every piece of parchment that even hinted at red lyrium. "There's one report in particular that I want you to make sure you read. I don't have a copy though, you'll have to fetch it from Commander Cullen's office."

This was the real task, she needed to get her hands on this report. "What's so important about it?"

"It's the Inquisitor's recollection of his visit to the future. There's one from Dorian attached as well. While they were there, they witnessed further spread of red lyrium, and some of the long term effects of exposure. Commander Cullen has been researching the Red Templar's and this armor their leader Samson wears. He's been obsessed. He's kept the report for himself. I'd like you to take a look at it and maybe you could mix it up with the other reports when you return them to me," she said lifting her shoulders nonchalantly.

I remember where the Red Lyrium had supposedly originated from: Kirkwall. "Commander Cullen was in Kirkwall, his Knight-Commander had taken it hadn't she? It drove her mad. I can see why he'd be quite invested in the subject. And I'm sure some of these Red Templars used to be his friends."

Leliana dismisses it. "Yes, well...He keeps the reports on his desk. If he isn't in his office, you'll have to dig around, he keeps it a bit of a mess. It's probably better if you take it while he's not there. Like I said, he's not very keen to give it up. "

"And I'm supposed to just walk in there without permission?" I exclaimed. She couldn't be serious. I knew how to sneak my way around when I needed, but I didn't have near the stealth she had. She could take it right from under his nose if she wanted and he'd never even see her enter the room. And why couldn't we just ask him for this report?

"That's exactly what I want you to do," she said firmly. "It's fine, he won't mind if it's you. If he didn't want visitors he would lock his office up, but he doesn't. Right now he's probably with the soldiers making one last check before he dismisses them for the day. It's probably a good time to go if you don't want to get caught."

I narrowed my eyes at her. "Why do I have the feeling you're making me do your dirty work?"

"Must be those extra senses of yours," she quipped. Very clever.

Reluctantly and against my better judgement I made my way to his office. I got a bit lost at first, but at least it looked like I had just sort of accidentally found myself in someone else's personal space. Just as Leliana had said he would be, the Commander was out at the moment so I decided to go ahead and look for the papers now. She said the report would be just on the top of his desk, which actually was kept rather messy, especially for a military man. I thought they were supposed to be organized or something.

I riffled around a bit looking for this particular report, looking for some mention of time magic anywhere on these parchments. Being in here alone made me nervous. I couldn't help but feel I didn't belong. Not without permission. It was a complete invasion. I looked around cautiously, feeling like I was about to be caught in some devious act, and the catching could come from any direction really. There were 3 entrances to this room, and when I looked up I saw a ladder leading to another room overhead. Hopefully he wasn't up there, watching me go through his things. Why did the man's office have so many doors anyway? It doesn't seem like a very sound military strategy to leave yourself open to attack from all sides. It would make me jittery if I were used to planning defenses to have so many avenues of attack. And how did he get anything done with 3 doors to his office? He's probably got people coming from all directions at once. My office at Vigil's Keep only ever had one door and sometimes I thought even that was too many. I didn't like feeling vulnerable like this.

I kept looking, shuffling a few more papers around. I didn't see the stupid report, but something else does catch my eye. He's got a personal letter out he's just started, at least it looks like he's only started. It's an entire two lines long, but he's already signed his name on the bottom. I'm too damned nosy for my own good, so of course I just have to pick it up and read it. It's addressed to someone named Mia and all it says is I'm fine and I'm alive. What riveting correspondence. I thought he was a man of few words when he spoke in person, but this is ridiculous. He's signed it as 'your loving brother' which would be sweet if he had put any content in the letter at all. His poor sister, I wondered if I could offer to help him out. Fergus and I would be lost without our letters, I've grown quite good at keeping him updated without worrying him. I shook my head at myself because of course I can't offer that. Then he'd know I went through his things and it's not my business anyway.

I bite my cheek, looking around for any place else he could have put these reports. If he's trying to keep them from Leliana, he must have hidden them well. I want to find them, but I also refuse to dig too deep. Then, behind me, I heard someone clearing their throat.

* * *

_[Cullen]_

After staring at the war room's table for close to an hour, I finally left in search of the Inquisitor. I was still thinking about his display during the council, and the look on Lady Cousland's face when he'd tried to out her. I was determined he and I were going to have a word with each other.

"Trevelyan! What was that?" I found him on the battlements, overlooking Skyhold's courtyard. I couldn't hold back any longer. He had gone too far this time with his pestering.

He tried to act shocked, but he knew I was coming. He turned away from the wall and faced me giving me a frown. "What are you on about, Commander?"

"What you did back there during the council," I said stopping in front of him. "Warden Cousland is here to help us, and you're purposely making things difficult for her. I told you yesterday that questioning her over and over again was not a good idea. You're making it seem as though you don't trust her."

"And what if I don't?" he exclaimed. "She knows more than she's telling us. And I mean to get it out of her."

"Insulting her is not the way to go about it," I spat.

I could tell he was gearing up to stand on a soapbox. "And how should I go about it? More like a Templar? Should I interrogate her in the dungeons? Torture her? She's not a mage so making her Tranquil is out. Maybe I should I crawl into her bed and coax it out of her that way?"

"I doubt she'd be interested," I scoffed.

People were looking up from the courtyard, noticing the heated exchange. "How do you know what she'd be interested in? You have someone else in mind? Would you like to be the one loosen her lips with your cock."

"Keep it down and stop being vulgar, Trevelyan," I bellowed. "It doesn't suit you. Besides, wouldn't you need permission from your sweet little ambassador?" I said the words almost with a hiss.

He was taken aback but he wasn't about to admit to anything. "I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about."

"I think you do," I challenged.

He was quick to change the subject. "You know as well as I do, we need as much information as we can get on Corypheus. If she knows something, she needs to tell us. I can't believe they kept him in that prison for that long and don't know anything about him."

"And she should help us at the expense of her own principles?" I asked. "Perhaps you don't know what it's like to take vows, to make an oath, but I do."

And there was that look again, the one he gave when he was about to talk about how his life wasn't fair. "No I don't. I was never given a chance to make any choices for myself. I was forced into a prison and attacked for my very existence. Besides, didn't you break those vows?"

I sighed heavily, this subject was getting old. "I'm not doing this with you again. We will never agree on these matters."

"Well what else do you expect from an Apostate?" He thought he was being clever as always.

"I expected you to keep your word."

"You two are at it again?" Cassandra's voice rang out, breaking us from the heat of the discussion. She stood glaring at us with her arms crossed. Scowling like an old Chantry priest who'd caught two boys fighting in the Chantry yard.

I gave in, walking away from Trevelyan. "Lady Cassandra, maybe you can teach our illustrious Inquisitor some manners before he takes to offending anymore of our allies."

Cassandra lowered her head. "What have you done this time?"

The Inquisitor was sticking up his nose. "I'm not sure I even know what I did," he claimed.

My blood was boiling again. "He's relentless," I said pointing, my voice coming out as a growl. "He asked Lady Cousland if the Wardens were being controlled by Corypheus, not even considering the fact that she IS a Grey Warden. He betrayed her confidence and he badgers her at every turn."

Trevelyan's response came with a shrug. "It was a legitimate question."

He was wrong and I meant to tell him. "No it was not!" I said firmly. "You still think the Wardens are responsible for this somehow and you're taking it out on her."

Trevelyan raised his voice again, drawing attention to ourselves from below once again. "I think I'm detecting a bit of hostility, Cullen. Why so concerned with this Warden? What are you playing at?"

Cassandra finally stepped in, creating a barrier between us. "That is enough. The Commander is right, we cannot afford to lose her cooperation and hounding her is not the way to keep it."

"Just remember you went to her," I reminded him. "She didn't come begging for our help. We went through great lengths to find her location."

"I'm just trying to keep Thedas from falling into blackness. Pardon me if I don't go about it exactly the way you want," he said.

I'd had enough, this time I walked away, but not before having the last word. "Just remember not to abandon your integrity along the way."

I stormed through a few doors to make my way to my tower. The Inquisitor had successfully coaxed a headache out of me, and I meant to nurse it with some wine. They came so easily these days and I was tired of fighting it. Tonight I planned on drinking my dinner and passing out as quickly as possible. I'll deal with the consequences in the morning.

When I opened my door, my plans changed. I stood in the door frame and cleared my throat. A wide-eyed Lady Cousland turned to look at me, holding several papers in her hands. Immediately she started stammering, shocked to have been caught doing whatever she was doing. "I ah, I was looking for a report. Leliana asked me to fetch it...she said to let myself in."

"Of course she did," I said closing the door behind me.

"I'm sorry," she said biting her lip. Why did she have to keep doing that? "I didn't mean to intrude."

I got lost for a moment watching her teeth scrape across her lip. I had to clear my throat again. "It's fine. I'm not angry with you. What report are you looking for?" I sighed.

Her eyes darted around as she tried to remember why she was here, or perhaps she was attempting to make up an excuse. "The um...ah..oh something about time magic. Red lyrium."

I laughed, Leliana has sent someone else to do her dirty work. "She's been trying to get this one out of my hands for weeks. I'll find it for you."

"Thanks," she smiled and paused, watching me shuffle through a few papers inside the drawer of my desk. I threw a pile on top and motioned towards it to let her go through it. Then I see her frown. "You know, you don't look very happy for someone whose not angry," she laughed weakly, picking up the pile and sorting through it. "Are you sure this is okay?"

"It's fine. It's not you," I sigedh as I pushed a few books from my chair to floor and sunk into the chair's cushion in defeat. I grabbed the already corked bottle of wine off my desk and didn't even bother pouring a glass, I just tilted it back and swallowed. I moaned when the burn hit my stomach. "I've just had an interesting conversation with the Inquisitor. He and I don't agree on very many things."

She chuckled through her nose. "I wouldn't expect any less from a mage and a Templar."

"Ex-Templar," I reminded her, then took another drink.

"Right. Ex," she repeated. "What was this disagreement about, if you don't mind my asking?"

"You, actually," I said giving her a smirk.

She doesn't fall for my teasing. "You mean the Wardens. I suspected as much, after the way the council ended," she sighed. "You don't have to jump to my defense. I'm a big girl... I can take care of myself."

"Of that I have no doubt," I laughed.

She smiled at my answer. "Well, I'm glad someone is on my side. I was starting to think I made a bad decision by coming here."

"I hope you don't think that." I let out a long breath. "I understand what it's like to take an oath. I broke my vows, and I struggle with it every day. I would not ask that of anyone else."

She put down the papers and took a seat on the corner of my desk. "Your vows were broken because it was the right thing to do. I may come to that same conclusion on my own, but the Inquisitor has to realize I need time. He's asking me to betray my entire order, to give away all their secrets. It would help if he acted like he trusted me."

"He doesn't distrust you. He just...can be persistent I suppose when he thinks he's right," I offered. "He's not all that bad. He's gotten us this far."

She stood again and started pacing around my desk with her arms crossed. Her voice became softer. I could see from her eyes she was slowly letting go of whatever ill feelings she had towards the Inquisitor. As always I would do the same. "Well, as infuriating as he is, I do understand where he's coming from, the pressure he's under. I was there once. I'm glad I'm no longer in a position to have to make the types of decisions that can affect so many. He's got all of Thedas to worry about. I just had Fereldan. It's easy to forget your own morals sometimes under that kind of scrutiny. I think I would have done anything to stop the archdemon. He's focused on Corypheus right now and nothing else."

I hadn't forgotten. She was there, wasn't she? If anyone understood how the Inquisitor felt it was her. I wish he could see that. He couldn't see past his own agenda at the moment. He needed someone to talk some sense into him, or at ease some of his stress, then I remembered he did have someone.

"I wouldn't say he's interested in nothing else," I chuckled. "I think you were right about the Inquisitor and Lady Montilyet. He got rather flustered when I mentioned it."

Her mouth lifted into an undeniably beautiful smile. "Commander Cullen, please tell me you didn't ask him about the ambassador! I hope I wasn't blamed for pointing it out."

"Of course not. It's his business anyway, I was just trying to get a rise out of him," I admitted. I couldn't believe how bold I was about to be with my next sentence. But bold it was and I made sure I looked her right in her eyes when I said it. I wanted to see her reaction. "Nothing wrong with a bit of fun, especially in times like these."

I stopped her dead in her tracks, she turned and looked at me brazenly and bit her lip again. And then her reply was something that I didn't expect. Something that made my insides leap. And wasn't just what she said, but how she said it and how was directed pointedly at me. "No, there isn't."

I watched a smirk spread across her lips. Her eyes were on me, heavy and lustful. I felt dizzy sitting in my chair. I'd been gulping on wine this whole time, but it wasn't the effect of the alcohol i was feeling, it was her. She was intoxicating. I craved her and I realized now how badly. An altogether different craving than the one I was used to. She waited a moment and then broke our gaze and she turned toward one of the doors. "I should go," she said quietly, her face dropping. She just realized this was a very bad idea. I knew it was too. But I didn't care. I had just enough liquid courage within the last few minutes to make me brave and without shame.

She darted to the door and started to turn the handle, but her hands were empty. She didn't have the reports she came for, they were still sitting right there on my desk. I had an opportunity, the perfect excuse to stop her. I rushed behind her, holding the parchments and I stopped her just as her hand reached for the latch. She had managed to turn it, but I pushed the door back closed, hearing it clank shut before she could move any further. She looked at my hand on the door, and then I brought my mouth close to her ear, making her hair move beneath my breath. When I spoke, it was unintentionally low and guttural, my voice gruffed. "You forgot these."

 


	5. Andraste preserve me...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smutty smut smut. Yep.
> 
> Has been revised since first posting.

What had I just done? I wasn't even thinking. I just said it, I let it slip from my teeth. I felt the flush run over my face as soon as the words escaped from my lips. Nothing wrong with a bit of fun he said.

"No there isn't."

It was the first thing I thought of, but it was still calculated. But I knew what he said was too. When it came out, it vibrated seductively from my throat, like a carnal creature trying to claw out of me. I could feel my eyes weighed with desire pulling him in, daring him to go further. I had been lusting after Cullen since the moment I stepped foot in Skyhold's war room and had allowed my eyes to drink him in. I wanted him for my own, just for a night. I was dangerously close to letting my hunger take over, throwing away any sense of rational thought. But I froze. It took me a moment before I could move or speak again after the words left me. Slowly the fog lifted, and I realized the ramifications of what I'd just said, and how I'd just looked at him, how I had just invited him in with just three little words. I was acutely aware of what could happen in the next few moments if I didn't play my cards just right.

I stared, feeling my blood rising, heating my face. My eyes fixated on him for I don't know how long, staying in the safeness of silence. I looked at him and watched his eyes. They glowed like polished amber and they were narrowed straight at me, waiting to see what I would do. He knew exactly what my comment had meant, everything it insinuated. I came to his office looking for this report on time magic, but I had just stopped time without any magic at all. Quite a talent if you asked me. For that moment neither one of us dared to move. With each breath and each fast beat of my heart, my resolve surfaced. I couldn't believe I had been going on like this. Like something could come of this. Laughing on the battlements, flirting in the courtyard, batting my eyes at him in war room, now trying to seduce him in his office. I was out of my mind to think this would ever be a good idea.

I took a deep breath and tore my eyes away. "I should go," I said panicking. I turned looking for a way out.

I looked around the room frantically, deciding which door to use to make my escape. There were too many, I wasn't sure which one I had come through. I picked one and stepped away. I was angry at myself. I don't know what I had been thinking this whole time, I couldn't be with the Commander. No matter how much I craved him. We were already too close. And he wasn't a Warden, he would never understand what that meant for me. The fallout would likely be disastrous. It always was. But I still I wanted him, even more now than when I first arrived. I could feel it deep down in my belly how much desire was actually there. If I had never spoken to him before, it could have just been a quick fling, a little row. But now I wasn't sure. So I forced the feelings back, like I had done for years. I just knew right now that I had to get away.

I rushed to the door, forgetting why I even came to his office, and at that moment not caring. I only knew I needed to get out of there before I forgot myself. And I could so easily forget myself in those eyes, that strong chiseled jaw, his wide ripped shoulders, any part of him really. Every part of him I had seen was beautiful and strapping and it begged to be touched. I was worried, I did everything I could to keep my eyes forward. I knew if he even looked at me, or if I looked at him, I would lose my resolve again.

What he did was worse than a look. I heard him rise, and I felt his steps behind me. And he was there, right there behind me, he had quickly closed the distance between his desk and the door. Out of the corner of my eye, as I fiddled with the latch, I saw his hand hit the door and I heard it snap closed. Then from deep in his throat he rasped in my ear, his voice rough and shaking, but strong.

"You forgot these." Three more little words, insinuating so much more.

I could feel how close he was to me, hovered right behind me. I squeezed my eyes shut and prayed to the Maker for strength and restraint. Cullen was so close, enough so that I could breathe in his scent. I sucked the air in and he smelled as divine as he looked. Like soap and warm spice and something sweet that reminded me of the honey that matched his eyes. And I could feel his breath, hot on my back making my hair move. A stark contrast to the slight breeze coming through the door, crisp on my face. He held one hand flat on the wooden door, keeping it closed and the other was in a fist leaned on the wall holding the parchments I was supposed to be leaving with. I was surrounded, caught in his lure.

Slowly and cautiously I turned, keeping my back against the wall as best as I could, careful not to even graze against him even slightly. Right now, no contact was good. Not just good, but necessary. I hesitated meeting his eyes, biting on my lip sheepishly as I kept my head down. I knew if my eyes reached his face I was done for. I was trembling, and I wasn't sure exactly why. I wanted him, and I was sure he was showing me he wanted me. A man doesn't pin you to a wall if he doesn't.

I felt every emotion I could imagine. Fear, anticipation, hesitation, excitement, just to name a few. Adrenaline was running through my veins, buzzing through every inch of my body. I was vibrating. My stomach was fluttering and leaping inside. I squeezed my thighs together as my insides ached. I felt my cunt wet, throbbing for him. I was straining to keep my hands behind me, and my back pressed into the wall. The effort it took to hold back burnt on my skin. I could feel my breaths quicken, they were ragged and heavy. I let my eyes raise only to his chest, resting the gaze on his shining armor. The plate lifted and sank as his breath tensed audibly. From the edges of my vision I could see he was looking down at me, watching my chest rise and fall, maybe imagining what it would be like to put his hands there on my breasts, to run his hands down over my curves and take hold. We were at a standstill again. I wasn't leaving and he wasn't stopping me, nor was he making any more advances. He just waited, patiently I might add. Waiting to see if I would make a move further. Waiting to see if all my stolen glances and flirting had any real intent behind them. They did, but I had lost my nerve.

Maker I couldn't do this, I didn't have the strength to leave. But I also couldn't bolster the mettle to do anything else. I had cupped myself each night I'd been here, sinking my fingers into myself at the thought of a moment like this. A moment with him. I thought I was better at this, I thought I would be able to take what I wanted if a time ever came. And now here he was, close enough to taste, close enough to steal the heat from his body, but I couldn't move. I was shivering like a scared virgin. Why was this different than I imagined? Damn it, why was I not pouncing at this demigod of a man? I wanted to lift my hands, unbuckle that armor, shove him to the floor, take him in my mouth, beg him to bend me over his desk, but I had lost every ounce of nerve I ever possessed and I blamed it on caution. But it wasn't caution, it was a lack of bravery. Right now I wasn't even brave enough to meet his eyes. This was more frightening than any darkspawn I had ever faced. Finally I bucked up my courage, gave in to the magnetism I was fighting against and I let my eyes pull up to meet his. And for him that was invitation enough.

He leaned in and dove to kiss me, guiding our faces together. His lips were hot and soft and slick against mine and the stubble on his chin scraped against my flesh. I thought he would swallow me whole the way his mouth took mine, it was with wanting and urgency like I had never felt before. His hunger rivaled that of a Warden's. Our tongues delved eagerly into each other's mouths as I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck and drew him in further. I felt his hands grasp at my hips and he pulled me closer, still kissing me with his hands wrapping around me almost completely. The heat of our bodies were pressed together. I could feel the warmth of his hands moving down, running over my bottom and then he moved lower and took hold at the back of my knees. He lifted me up with one strong effortless motion, opening me and pressing me against the wall, settling himself between my thighs. I felt like I had been waiting for something like this to happen all my life, like I had lived the whole of it just for this.

I let loose everything that had pent up inside of me, years worth of holding back. I grabbed at any part of him I could get my hands on, pulling him in, wrapping my thighs around his hard body. I squirmed and rocked my hips to grind against him, feeling him hard through his clothes. I just needed him as close as I could get him, and preferably inside. He pulled back for a moment breathing heavily and met my eyes, looking for permission to continue. It gave me the impression that he didn't do anything like this very often, because suddenly he became very unsure despite my frantic grip in his hair. He stopped, his breath ragged and he searched my face for his sign. "Is this all right?" he managed to ask with little to no breath. A gentleman even when he was being very ungentlemanly.

"Maker yes!" I laughed. The ridiculousness of it was all too charming. I was clawing at him and he still needed to make sure he had permission to keep going. I didn't want him to stop, I would beg for him to keep going if I had to. Cullen was about to give me everything I wanted, everything I was convinced I needed in that very second. If he didn't continue, I think I would have burst into a million broken pieces. His touch at this moment was all that was keeping me together.

"Good," he said with a husky laugh. I felt his breath on my neck and his teeth followed, running down to my collarbone then nipping at my shoulder. With his freedom granted, he knew exactly what he wanted to do and how he was going to do it. "Off with these, then," he growled. 

I quickly found my trousers crumpled on the floor, my boots thrown across the room. I wasn't even sure how he got them off of me so quickly, but they were gone without my feet ever having hit the ground. We were both reaching at his straps, my fingers fumbled but his armor finally hit the floor with a metal bang. More his doing than mine. He lifted my tunic away and I felt my breast drop heavy from my chest when he undid my bindings. I heard a satisfied breath from his lips when he revealed them and laid his eyes upon me.

"Sweet Maker," he whispered. "You are beautiful."

I wanted to protest his praise, but instead I let out a sharp gasp. His thumbs brushed over my nipples and they tightened at his touch. He tugged gently and circled over them with his palms. He cupped my breasts and filled his hands with them, massaging the plump flesh and playing with my nipples, rolling them between his fingers. On my neck I felt his lips, kissing softly and sucking carefully to not leave a mark. Slowly he moved lower, passing kisses over my collarbone and going even lower until he wrapped his fingers around each mound and picked one to take into his mouth. Expertly his tongue moved and twirled over them, giving each hardened peak its turn. His touch felt so good, rough and gentle at the same time. It sent arrows of pleasure hissing through my skin. All the while, I could feel my wetness against the cloth of his trousers, the tip of his erection pressed up against the fabric. I reached below his belt and felt the warm smooth head of his hardness and brushed my fingers down between his belly and his erection. I wanted to feel it in my hands. I realized quickly he was entirely too covered, and I needed him undressed, now.

"I want these gone," I ordered.

I was frantic again, ripping at his belt until his breeches fell to the wood of the floor. Still holding me to the wall, he kicked, freeing himself of them, sending his boots clumping away as well. I looked down at his freed glory hungrily.

"Oh...," I said surprised and laughed. "You were keeping that a secret."

"Not anymore," he breathed, grinning wickedly.

He had been hiding an incredible endowment inside of those smalls. His length was something to behold, but his thickness was unlike anything I had ever had before. I needed him inside, I needed to feel my insides stretch to accommodate him. He hissed as I wrapped one hand around his length and touched the head gently with my fingers. I ran my index finger over the precum that had leaked from him and I spread it over the tip of his cock. I couldn't help but want a taste, it looked so enticing. A low chuckle emanated from deep in his throat when I took my finger into my mouth. Looking him in the eyes with a naughty grin, I let out a sound of approval at the taste of it. He pulled me in for another supple kiss.

Reluctantly I pulled away and raised my fingers to his sides, running my nails over his skin as I removed the one last piece of cloth that stood between us. I could feel the hardness of him pressing against my stomach as he leaned into me to keep me held to the wall. He lifted his arms above his head and I pulled away his tunic. Now it was just us, flesh on flesh.

I ran my palms down his chest feeling his brawn. His muscles were hard underneath a layer of smooth skin, lightly mottled with soft blonde curls. His flesh was broken by scars running across his chest and over his shoulders, they scattered his sides and his back. They were beautiful, and he wore them with pride. I lifted my eyes to the scar that cut over his lip and ran the tips of my fingers gently over it, tracing the shape of his lips. I pulled his chin closer to press my lips to his soft warm mouth, to feel the scar brush against my tongue. We lingered in the kiss. He parted my lips and pushed his tongue inside, rolling and caressing it against mine. I tangled my fingers in his hair and my hips rocked, my grinding matching the kisses as they became deeper and harder and kept going on. When it became too much, I stopped and put my lips to his ear.

"I need you inside," I whined with a whisper.

He pulled away and our eyes locked. We were both trembling, anticipating the next moment that would come. His hand lowered and he breathed out shakily as he aligned himself to my opening and felt the beginning of the moist heat. I threw my head back and dug my nails into his back as he entered, the sensation bordering between pleasure and pain. My mouth went wide and I nearly howled as he finally thrust himself into me. He let out a strained whimper as my warmth slid snugly around him and made him quiver.

"Maker," he croaked.

He pushed in and pulled away slowly, coating himself with my arousal until he was slick and fully emerged. He pumped faster with each moment until the resistance was gone and he felt free to let loose his full force. I whimpered helplessly as he moved within me and created our pace. Gliding in and out, his head fell back as he moaned sensing he was filling me completely, feeling me clenching around him. I was already so close to letting go. Every part of our rhythm matched as we swayed together. He bucked into me as I pushed my hips forward, arching my body into him drawing him deeper into my core over and over again. One of his hands rested on the wall for leverage while the other clutched my bottom and his fingers pressed on the sensitive flesh between my legs. Each time he squeezed gave me a jolt and made me groan at the intense sense of pleasure. With each drive into me I could feel my back sliding up the wall, rubbing against it, pounding against it. My weight coming down on him created pressure firmly where I needed it most. I writhed as the pleasure was riding through my body with his movement. The grunts coming from him as he moved inside me were erotic and wild and pushing me over the edge. He buried his face in the crook of my neck to muffle his sounds, and I could feel the vibration tingling against my skin. I was almost there.

"Fuck," I said weakly. "Don't stop," I shouted, my voice cracking. "Just..like that," I squeaked. 

He plunged inside of me with continuing fury, in and out, over again. He kept a cadence you could only expect from a man who had marched during his life, the rhythm so sweet. My whole body contracted as I was about to be overcome and I could hear his breaths becoming scattered as he drew close to his climax as well. His movement became erratic, and I started to lose control of my voice and it bounced out with each thrust. With one last jerk, my insides spasmed and were set ablaze, exploding with a ferocity I had never felt before. My nails were embedded in the skin of his back, and I couldn't help the scratches I raked down him.

I cried out, begging him to keep going, I incoherently plead as the twinges from my core kept pulsing out. As the release settled down, I mewled at my reprieve from glorious torture and let him do what he must.

As I clamped down on him, his breath turned to harshly controlled whimpers. He had reached his point of endurance, and surrendered to his crest. He slammed into me and roared like a lion, calling out to the Maker as he burst inside of me, spilling every ounce of seed his length held. He barely moved as the waves throbbed through him. I could feel him twitch in me as he pulsed away from his orgasm and rested to catch his breath with his lips against my skin.

"Maker's breath," he sighed, sounding drained.

Slowly he withdrew and lowered my feet to the floor, panting in my ear. He leaned into me, grabbing me at the waist and pressing our bodies together fully and rested his brow against mine. I could feel his forehead moist with sweat and I could see the drops glistening on his skin and in the hair of his chest. It glittered in the soft light that came from the sun nearly set outside. We stood together, catching our breath, feeling each others bodies molded together. I closed my eyes and savored his smell, breathed it in as much as I could in case I never got to feel any of this again. He lifted my chin and sucked in as he touched our lips together, a thank you before parting. He blew out one more long breath before shooting me a devious smirk and pushing away.

His hand went to the back of his neck as he looked around searching through the mess we had created to find his smalls. Now we were at the awkward part, coming down from what we had just done and reality setting in. Neither one of us met the other's eyes for more than a glance and suddenly I felt like I needed to cover myself up. I held an arm over my breasts and pressed my legs together with my other hand covering my bits, trying to hide myself. Things look different from far away and I wasn't sure I wanted him to really see all of me. When everything was close you only cared how things felt, now I felt like being shy about it all. I found my smalls and my bindings and turned facing a wall while I dressed myself.

He was still sifting through clothes and after picking up a pile, he found something of mine.

"I think this belongs to you," he said and tossed it in my direction.

Our eyes caught and he smiled at me crookedly again. I couldn't help myself, he brought the corners of my mouth to a full grin.

"That was...nice," he said with a chuckle, looking as smug as sin.

"It was," I laughed and pulled my tunic back over my head. 

I pulled on my boots and ran my fingers through to straighten my hair. I stooped to pick up the report that was crumpled on the floor, it had gotten wrinkled somewhere in the mess, luckily not lost or torn. I held it up.

"Thanks for this, and the..ah...well you know," I laughed weakly.

"Of course," he replied with a nod.

As I turned the latch and started out the door, he called out one more time. "Lady Cousland," he cleared his throat. "Should you require anymore...reports...you know where to find me."

I tried to suppress my grin, but it was useless. "I'll keep that in mind." And I most certainly would. He had no idea what he had just gotten himself into. I turned back just before I closed the door. "Perhaps you could try calling me Elissa."

"Elissa," he nodded. "Goodnight, Elissa."


	6. That was...nice.

I shut the door behind me and took a few seconds to lean against its planks to catch my breath. What had just happened had been beyond incredible, more than I even imagined. I had never been fucked like that in all my life. It was exactly what I wanted, but now a question would certainly hang in the air between Commander Cullen and I. It was twilight when I stepped outside, the sun was gone but its light still hung in the sky. It was almost a bit surreal. The ecstasy I experienced minutes before and then I stepped out into the perfectly cool evening air of Skyhold to be greeted by a sky abounding in color, soft pink and orange hued, perfectly picturesque. I nearly thought I was dreaming. But it really did happen. I felt it happen. His smell was on me, my insides were aching, I could feel his seed threatening to leak down my thighs. Yes, it did happen. Whether it should have or not. I'd deal with whatever consequences I had to if I could feel that again. 

Smoothing my hair once more, I let go of the door and made a few steps toward the nearest stone staircase. As I walked further toward it I could hear feet on its steps, purposefully tramping up the stairs. Rising one beat at a time I saw the top of a tawny covered head appear and round the corner, turning toward the direction of the Commander's office. I cursed as I realized the door I had just left had never been locked, none of the doors were. Leliana had made a point to tell me Cullen never locked his doors when she asked me to sneak in. I turned my chin to the sky and thanked Andraste that this figure didn't decide they needed to see the Commander in his office a few minutes before.

As the figure drew closer, I recognized him. It was Trevelyan. He greeted me with a nod and silence when he saw me. He must have known I was upset when he left the war council in such a hurry, he wasn't expecting to have to face me again for a while after that I suppose. I thought he would pass me, but he looked down to his feet and seemed to have gathered some courage. "Warden Cousland," he said placing his hands behind his back, approaching me slowly. "I didn't know you had business with the Commander."

I looked at him a bit suspiciously. How had he happened to be making his way to the Commander's office just as I was leaving? It was too convenient. "Leliana asked me to look into something for her. I was just fetching the reports she wanted me to take a look at."

"I remember now. She thinks you can help us with this Red Lyrium. You've been in the Deep Roads researching it, I think it's an excellent idea. We're grateful for any help you can offer us," he said stiffly.

"Of course," I nodded curtly. My lips wrinkled together and I tried to suppress my incredulous stare, but it was no use. He must have known I was still thinking about what happened in the war room, that I was still sore at him about it.  

He let out a sigh and shook his head. "Listen, I should apologize. In the council, I didn't mean to..."

I held up a hand to stop him. My lips parted and I was trying to keep my mouth from gaping too largely.  I was a little taken aback, I didn't expect such a quick apology from the mighty leader of the Inquisition. Trevelyan usually seemed so arrogant, so set in his convictions, but I could see the conflict on his face. He wanted to be a man willing to admit when he was wrong. There was a reason they had chosen him as their Inquisitor I suppose, it wasn't just about this mark on his hand. There was something about him. "There is no need, your worship," I said softly, showing my respect. "I've already forgiven. Believe it or not I do understand the pressures you must be under. I truly wish I could offer you more. Perhaps a time will come when I can."

He looked relieved. He must have expected more of a fight out of me. I expected more of a fight out of me, to be honest. What was happening to me?  

"Thank you Warden-Commander. I hope you feel you can trust us...trust me. Anything we discuss in the council does not leave the war room, I can swear that much to you," he assured me. "My advisors are nothing if not trustworthy, they have proven their loyalty time and again. To myself and the Inquisition. And...they tend not to hold back when they think I'm wrong," he laughed.

I smiled at the thought. I could only imagine how this discussion Commander Cullen had mentioned had went. "I can see that. You're lucky to have such support. When I fought against the Blight, I couldn't have succeeded without my companions. They became my family." 

He leaned over the wall of the battlement and hung his head. He became very sullen. "You know, you're right, they  _are_  like a family to me. I grew up in a circle. I've never known what having a family is like. I'm lucky to have one now."

"Good," I smiled weakly. I felt a little sorry for him now. It must be terrible being torn away from your parents and everything you know, just because you're different than everyone else. He was born to a noble family. His life should have been different. It should have been like mine was before the Blight. Anders spoke of the injustice of it all, how he felt he needed permission just to be alive. I had always blamed mages for their misfortunes, but it wasn't their fault really. I gave people like Morrigan and Anders a hard time, distrusted them from the start. Even Hawke and sweet Wynne before she passed, but the point was that even though they had these powers, they were really just people. And they were always placed in awful positions. Maybe the Inquisition could change that. Maybe they wouldn't have to resort to violence or blood magic ever again. It still hurt to think what Anders did, but maybe it wasn't his fault. I still blamed myself sometimes. Justice never would have found him if it weren't for me. 

The Inquisitor still looked a little sad. Perhaps his mind was wandering the same places as mine. He was staring off into the prismatic sky, taking in its beauty contemplatively. I watched him. His face became a little warmer as he looked at its beauty. After a long quiet pause, he took a deep breath and pushed himself from the stone wall. "Well, I should let you get back to your research. And again...I truly am sorry. I won't let it happen again. You have my word." 

"Thank you," I nodded appreciatively.

I made my way to my quarters, sinking into my bed before the door even latched shut behind me. I lay there thinking about many things. I couldn't quite make up my mind about the Inquisitor. He wasn't so bad I suppose. He made a mistake in judgement. I had made many mistakes over the course of my life. I've lost friends, cost lives, done many things I would have to live with. Maybe I could help the Inquisition not make the same errors. One of the first things I learned as a Warden is that the order had many secrets, and we were never to say more than we absolutely needed to. But how much were we really protecting by being so secretive? Why couldn't I tell anyone what the Calling really meant, how we were connected the darkspawn, how we were connected to Corypheus. The secrecy was even prominent within the order, we kept secrets from each other. If I hadn't done any digging, I would never have known about Corypheus and what he was, and I wouldn't be haunted by knowing why the world should be so afraid of him. I knew that Corypheus may not be able to be killed, but I was afraid to tell anyone of that possibility. Perhaps this was the most dangerous secret I could ever keep from them. It felt wrong not to tell them, but if they knew...they might give up. For now I needed to try to sleep. I still had time to decide where my loyalties lay. And who knew what was in store for us in the Western Approach.  

 

* * *

 

Elissa. I'd said the name many times over the last week in my head, but now for the first time her name had passed through my lips. Her named rolled from the tongue and ended with a refreshing sigh.  _Eh-lis-sah_. I had no idea what just happened, what came over me, but it had been...incredible. And I offered to make it happen again. I know most women thought me to be rather straight laced and reserved outside the battlefield. I'd surprised a few in my day, but I had never just  _taken_  anyone like that. The feeling was invigorating. It was an adrenaline rush akin to the feeling of winning a battle. I liked it, and I wanted more.

I took a few moments to breath, prop my feet up on my desk and just bask in the feeling buzzing through me. I could smell her on me, it was starting to peak my arousal again. She should have stayed, I could easily have had her again. Maker help me, I needed to have her again. But as quickly as it had all happened she left, presumably satisfied enough. I don't know if I could be satisfied after that, but it seemed I would have to be. I would have to resolve myself to the fact that it was probably a one-time, temporary distraction. I was fine with that, nothing lasting could come of this anyway. It was a fling, nothing more. But I was glad we had finally given in to our attraction, released some tension I knew we both felt. I suppose we could both move on now, focus on our mission.

At the time I didn't realized the disarray we had caused. I remembered pressing her against the wall, but we somehow managed to string papers around the room, knock books from the shelf, the drink I held had even been spilled, and pieces of my armor and my boots were still strewn about the room. I suppose at some point I'd have to get up from this chair and clean up the mess, but it didn't seem like an alluring prospect at the moment.

A hard knock rapped on my door, and I shot up, standing quickly as the door opened without invitation. "Inquisitor," I stammered. My eyes shifted around the room, hoping the mess wouldn't draw his attention. The Inquisitor sauntered in, hands at his back as he slowly walked toward my desk. For the moment he seemed too focus on his purpose to notice anything was different in my office. "Cullen, I came to...well I just wanted a brief moment. I didn't like how we left things. I came to apologize." 

I crossed my arms. "You'll have to excuse my shock."

He chuckled. "Give me some credit. I'm trying to run an Inquisition here. I'm bound to make a mistake or two."

"As are we all. I should apologize as well," I said.

"I'm glad to hear it. I'll have you know I've apologized to Warden Cousland as well." He hesitated for a moment and lowered his gaze. "You trust her, and I trust you. That's good enough for me."

"Good. She is...," amazing I wanted to say. Stunning. Brilliant. Beautiful. Brave. Clever. Funny. And at the forefront of my mind at the moment, a rather good shag. But I couldn't say any of that of course. "-an asset to the Inquisition. I'm sure she will do everything she can to help us," I nodded.  

"Starting with this Red Lyrium I suppose," he sighed crossing his arms. "It's not the information on Corypheus I'd like, but it's a start. I caught her leaving your office and she told me she'd come after some reports. How'd she manage to wrangle those from your grip. Leliana has been after them for weeks."

"I didn't have much choice in the matter," I scoffed. "She was...persuasive. And a bit sneaky to be honest."

He stopped and scanned the room, finally noticing the mess. "Just exactly how persuasive? What happened in here?"

I swallowed and I could feel the heat rising to my face. "You know these wind gusts. Sometimes they just rip through, leave a wake of havoc."

"I ah...I see that," he said with skepticism, squinting his eyes toward me. I should have come up with something better than that. "You should really get that hole in your roof fixed. This sort of thing wouldn't happen if there wasn't a giant hole lingering up there. I don't understand your affection for it."

"I like the hole in my roof," I said defensively. "It gives me something to look at when I can't sleep."

Concern drew to his face. " _Have_  you been sleeping lately? How have you been managing since our last talk?"

"You mean since I threatened to find a replacement. The same as always. The pain comes and goes. The nightmares are always there, but sometimes they aren't so bad. Today was a... _good_  day," I smiled inwardly.

I paused for a moment, looking to the Inquisitor. Besides Elissa, he was the only other person who knew what happened to me. Who knew why I suffered the nightmares I did. But he also knew why some days were harder than others, my struggle with Lyrium withdrawal fueling the nightmares even more, sometimes bringing me pain and weakness. When we were told the Hero would be brought to Skyhold I was nervous. I thought meeting the Warden who'd been there might make things worse, make the memories more real, but they hadn't. In fact, it made things better. When she came to the circle she was the one who brought me out of the nightmare, brought an end to the ordeal, and it was a comfort knowing the person who was able to do that was near. I wonder if the Inquisitor understood the significance her presence truly was to me. I wanted to make him understand.

"Everything I told you...she was there you know," I said quietly. "At the circle, when it fell. If it wasn't for her..."

"She's the warden who saved the circle," he said and his eyes dropped as he came to realization. "And that's why you put your trust in her." 

"Yes," I said clearing my throat, suddenly unable to meet his gaze. I still didn't like to talk about it unless I had to.

"I think I understand now," he nodded.

Silence hung in the air for a few awkward moments. 

"I should go," he said sensing my discomfort. "I think I've bothered you enough for one night."

"I'm sure you have other duties to attend to," I said tilting my head. 

He let out an exasperated sigh. "It never ends, does it?"

"I'm afraid not," I chuckled.

And with that he left, and I was alone in my empty office with only my thoughts. My emotions were suddenly mixed. Only as I spoke to him did I really understand how Elissa made me feel. I realized then how I may have complicated things in my moment of unbridled passion. I let myself go in the moment, not thinking of the consequences or what I might feel afterward. I don't think it's going to be quite as simple as I originally thought when I stood there at the door and kissed her. Whatever happened, nothing could stand in the way of my duty to the Inquisition.


	7. There now, that wasn't so bad

And here we are, another day of the great fatuous assembly known as the Inquisition. Sometimes I wondered what made us so willful in those early days. But somehow we had made it this far, enough so that we could afford to stop and give ourselves a few precious moments of leisure between the reports and the training, the endless councils and debates.   

Dorian and I were playing chess in the library this afternoon. Usually I brought my board to the gardens, but today I wanted the quiet sanctuary the library offered. It was calm here, dark. I had been in the sun drilling my troops all morning and it started to wear me. Too much sun and a migraine would inevitably be triggered, and once one came I was of no use to anyone. Our chess games had become a bit of a habit for Dorian and I. The game had bound us to each other, forming a friendship that was as strange as I'd ever had before. I never had many friends, not before the Inquisition. I suppose the fact that I was sitting now across from a mage, getting along and even enjoying myself was a testament to how far I had come on my path of healing.

The game was not going well, not for Dorian at least. But then again it never did. He knew the game was mine, but still he kept on, boasting, acting as though he was going to claim a victory, despite the fact that we both knew better. Yes, I certainly had this one. He broke my concentration, it was at a point where he knew he needed to distract me to have any chance.

"What's gotten into you?" he said, giving me a strange look. "Usually when I make that move you panic because you realize I might actually have you."

Dorian was a cheater, that much had been clear to me from the start. But I knew what he meant. I was more relaxed than was my normal disposition. Usually I was stiff, leaning over the board, too close to keep my eyes on the pieces at the edges of the board, the ones he usually tried to move without me noticing. But now I was leaned back, slouching in the chair. I could see every move he made this way. And he didn't like it.

"Gloat all you like, I have this one!" I replied.

I sat back and watched Dorian make his move. This was  _my_  game. I knew I was good at it. Something about it tended to swallow me whole when I focused my attention on it. I learned to play chess as a child, and a competitive nature had driven me toward the game ever since. I couldn't remember when I started playing, but I do remember when I got older I grew tired of losing to my sister. I remember how much I wanted to win, and it was probably out of spite. I remember playing Mia and how badly I wanted to wipe that look off her face, the nasty one she used to give me when she beat me or got something first or got a bigger helping at supper. Thanks to her I loved this game. The rush of that first win still ran through my veins. And though victory was always sweet, especially if it had been hard earned, even more driving was loss, loss made you learn. I wasn't sure what fed the beast within more, victory or loss. And the game was uniquely telling of your opponent. Each one had a different method or tactic you could learn from. Unfortunately Dorian's tactic was cheating, but I had learned how to counter that as well.

"Don't sass me, I'm serious. You're acting... different," he said. He squinted his eyes at me as he clicked his game piece against the board. "Is this what you're like when you're actually in a chipper mood?"

"I just got a good night's sleep for once, that's all," I said making my counter move. 

He was right of course. I was in better spirits after yesterday, but I wasn't about to tell him that. I keep my private affairs private, even from him. I wasn't the kiss and tell type. I had earned myself a bit of teasing and false accusations of virginity because of it over the years, but that was no matter to me. I was feeling rather confident today though. I was proud of myself. I had been bold, I had followed through on my own promise to never again hesitate, to never wait until it was too late for anything. I had so often criticized others for not acting when I had been guilty of the same. But after yesterday, no one could accuse me of being someone who didn't act. I wondered after if there would be consequences. Whether there were any had yet to be seen. I hadn't even seen Elissa in passing since our encounter. Maybe she was avoiding me, but it was more likely that we had both been too busy for our paths to cross yet. She had her work for the Inquisition now and I had mine. This chess game was the first break I'd been given all day. 

"Well whatever you did you should try it more often, you're much more tolerable this way," Dorian replied.

"Your move mage," I grumbled, giving him the most ferocious look I could muster at the moment.

"Ah, there's the Commander I know. I knew he'd come out sooner or later," he said. I shook my head. Who's sassing who now, Dorian? 

"Why do I even bother?" I groaned. "Just make your move so I can end this."

"You mean so I can claim my inevitable victory," he said. Always so confident in himself, even on the brink of a loss. A loss that was closer than he realized.   

I chuckled before my fingers even reached my final piece. "Really? Because I just won," I laughed.

He looked surprised that his cheating hadn't worked. "Vishante Kaffas! How did...? You moved my pieces, I'm sure of it! I demand a rematch."  

"Somehow I knew that would be your reaction. How many times do I have to obliterate you before you give up Dorian?" I said and sat up to rearrange the board. I motioned him to make the first move. He thought I was giving him an advantage by letting him take his turn first, but it was all part of my strategy. 

"What can I say? I'm a glutton for punishment," he shrugged. "And I love the smug look you get when you win, it makes my day livable."

"I do hate to admit how much I delight in seeing your head hung in defeat," I said.

"Commander, you and I both know that a Vint does not hang his head, he sticks his nose up at defeat. There's a difference."

Dorian started the game with one of his usual moves. I knew quickly how this game would go. No better for him I was afraid. We went back and forth, each taking our respective turns. Then I saw something catch his eye.

He nodded curtly and motioned behind me. "Oh look, our Warden friend approaches. The pretty one, not the hairy one," he said. He watched me to gauge my reaction. I know he saw me start at her mention because he lowered his voice to gibe me, raising only one brow. "So you _have_  noticed?" 

I rolled my eyes, shaking my head at him. Then I turned to look at her and it was like nothing else could ever have filled my vision in such a way. He was right, it was the pretty one. She took my breath away. She came from the outer staircase that lead to the library from the main hall. She was still without the armor that singled her out, that identified her as a Grey Warden. I think she was enjoying the chance to be free of it, to maybe for once just be herself. You could tell by the way she moved. I was the opposite, I never liked to be without mine. I used to retreat into the heavy plate I wore as a Templar and its weight brought me comfort once, but no longer. What I wore now was feather light compared and I barely noticed it was there. When I did take it off it was because I had to. Because Leliana or Josephine concocted some Maker awful excuse to put me in something stuffy and uncomfortable and impossibly tight. There were few occasions someone managed to wrangle me out of my armor, but this Warden had easily done so. 

My eyes ran over her of course and I made my quick observations. She was dressed in tight leather trousers and a tunic that hit just at the right part of the hip, the plump part of her rear just peaking from underneath. The part of her bottom I had only just yesterday wrapped my fingers around as I thrust inside her. Her hair was loose today, down and flowing dark and free, waved around her shoulders. I hadn't seen it that way before. She looked beautiful. Just as beautiful as she looked yesterday in her nameday glory, pressed against my wall. My throat caught thinking of such things, I had to swallow to clear it. It wasn't the first time even today I had let my mind wander to such distraction. I didn't want to admit it, but I couldn't stop thinking about her. Her and the feel of her skin, the sensation of her tight warmth wrapped around me, the sounds that came from her throat as I buried myself in her. Maker help me. I wanted to do it again this very moment, I wanted to feel that again. But I had to still myself to keep me from shame. My eyes could not break away from her no matter how much I tried. I was afraid I had given myself away, but at that moment I did not care. Her lips parted when she saw me, and I swear I saw her eyes light as well. She made a terrible heat rise in me. I wasn't supposed to feel like this. I was being a lecher, a miscreant, thinking of all sorts of depravity.

"Elis-Warden Cousland." I said, moving to stand. I'm sure my cheeks started to flush.

I wanted to feel her name wash over my tongue again, but I couldn't do it here, not in front of anyone. Not yet. Dorian was a smart man, he was better than anyone at picking up on small subtleties. If I said her name, it would reveal everything he thought he suspected. I wasn't sure what this was yet. I knew what it was supposed to be, it was supposed to be a one time distraction. The fleetingness of the encounter did not have to be spoken, but I knew how easily this could become muddled for me. However bold my actions had been, that didn't mean what I did was smart.

"Don't let me interrupt," she said smiling crookedly, a little blush coming to her cheeks. "I was just looking for Dorian. I'm afraid I need him when you're finished."

"Oh? I didn't know I was in such high demand these days," Dorian said. "Maybe you two should have a duel over me. That would be rather exciting wouldn't it? A Templar verses a legendary Grey Warden."

"People would probably pay money to see something like that," she quipped cheekily. Then,  _Maker's breath_ , she looked at me, biting her lip and never taking her eyes away from mine. I realized then how often those teeth of hers grazed across her bottom lip. It was a wonder she hadn't worn a permanent hole just there.  "I'm sure I could take the Commander if I had to," she said.

"You could try," I said staring right back.

She finally broke the gaze and turned to Dorian. "I just hoped you might help me understand a few things in one of these reports I've been tasked with reading. I don't know what some of these words you've written mean." Her eyes went wide and she looked slightly mortified for a moment. Her eyes shifted as she tried to compose herself after where I knew her mind went. She stammered still wide eyed, pressing her lips together to control her expression. "Uh, actual reports...paper...with ink...and words...lyrium...the red stuff."

I saw Dorian's head make a short jerk and his eyes darted back and forth a little, trying to figure out what she could have meant. I knew exactly what it was about. It was my fault. I had given a bit of a new meaning to talk of reports between her and I. I think I felt my face flush even more. We hadn't seen each other since our impassioned moment and I think we were both trying to figure out how to act casually about it. This was not the way.

I cleared my throat, trying to keep in a nervous laugh. This is exactly the type of awkwardness I hoped would not surface. Dorian was sure to pick up on it. I wasn't very good at this sort of thing, but for some reason I thought she would be. She certainly was not. "Of course," I nodded and made a face of feigned ignorance when Dorian looked to me with his brows raised.

Dorian spoke, breaking the air. "Those would likely be the curse words. Some phrases just don't have the same ring in the King's tongue. Leliana did mention she put you to work on that awful shit. Finally got those reports out of this one's hands then?"

"I did," she said with a smirk, glancing my way. Her eyes lingering just a little too long before looking back to Dorian with a snap. "But I won't keep you, find me when you have a free moment."

Dorian waved his hand. "Stay for our game. Perhaps you'd care to have a go at it?"

I chuckled. "He's tired of losing so terribly. He knows I'm better at this than he is."

"Did you ever stop to think that maybe it's just too damned exhausting letting you win so often. I can't very well hurt your feelings and actually win a game, now can I?" he responded.

"As tempting as that sounds, I think I'll have to pass," she said raising her brows watching us. "I'm afraid I'm likely worse than Dorian is. I'm not very good at anything that requires any sort of strategy. And, well, to be honest I can never remember how the pieces move. It's quite embarrassing really."

 "Stay and watch our game then," I said and glared across the board at my opponent. I didn't want her to leave just yet. "Help me make sure Dorian doesn't cheat...again."

Dorian held his hand to his chest theatrically. "I dare say I'm shocked at the accusation."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "You're saying you don't cheat?"

"Well, no," he shook his head. "I said I was shocked, not that it wasn't true."

I watched her face light with a laugh. She wasn't shy with her laughs, she bore them openly and never tried to cover up. I liked that. I wondered if she knew how truly gorgeous she was, Grey Warden or not I would have noticed her. "I suppose I can stay until you've finished your game. I could use a bit of entertainment. I'm enjoying watching you two bicker."

"Good," Dorian said. "Maybe the Commander will be more friendly with an audience."

She passed behind Dorian and took a seat on the windowsill, placing her hands under her thighs and dangling her legs from its height. "You two do this often?"

"Bicker or play chess?" Dorian said thinking himself quite clever.

I was distracted for a moment as I watched her. The way the light hit behind her, lighting her hair to almost gold catching my eye. I shook my head turning my attention back to the board. "We play when we can," I finally responded as I refocused and took my turn moving my piece.

"When the Commander needs a confidence boost," Dorian added advancing his man, earning another glare from me.

"And the Commander usually wins?" Elissa asked watching each move on the board. She may not be good at the game, but I knew she could tell I was already gaining the advantage by the way she smiled demurely at my fingers and looked back up to my eyes. Maybe she thought she was helping Dorian by distracting me and keeping up the conversation.

"Don't let him fool you, I have been known to win on occasion," Dorian made sure to interject.

"I've had quite a lot of experience. I used to play my sister when I was a child. She won all the time and she'd always get this stuck up grin on her face. One day I decided I wasn't going to be satisfied unless I could win against her. I practiced endlessly for weeks until I was able to beat her. The look on her face when I finally did was worth it." I chuckled as I remembered.

"You've never mentioned you have a sister," Dorian said.

"I have two, and a brother. Mia is the oldest, she was the chess player. Branson and Rosalie are younger. Between serving the Templars and then the Inquisition, I haven't seen them in years. Mia writes to me quite often and I try to respond when I can, though I'm not very good at it. I should ask Mia if she still plays," I said thoughtfully.

"I was a sad lonely only child, I only had my tutors to keep me company," Dorian pouted. "What about you Elissa? Are your terrible chess skills due to a lack of playmates?"

"No," she laughed, still sitting on her hands. "I have an older brother. Fergus and I were just more interested in chasing after each other with sticks when we were growing up."

"I almost forgot, your brother is a Teryn in Fereldan. Quite important as far as Southerners go," Dorian said.

"He's the Teryn of Highever. Second only to the Queen. For all the good that's done him," she said bitterly. I'm sure there was a story behind that statement.

"Do you get to visit him often? Do they let Wardens do that sort of thing?" I asked. I wondered what sort of freedom Grey Wardens were given. As a Templar I probably could have visited my family, but I never did. There never seemed to be any time for it. And then I left for Kirkwall without even telling them. At the time I was just interested in getting away from Fereldan and anything that could remind me of what happened there.

"There aren't any rules against it, but...I haven't seen Fergus in a very long time," she sighed. "Before I was in Crestwood I hadn't even been in Fereldan for years. The Wardens kept me busy. In fact, I think the last time I saw him was at his wedding. He's already had two children since then. I've never even met them. I suppose when this is all done I should pay a visit."

"When this is all done? Now there's something I haven't even thought about, all this shit coming to an end. I don't know what I'll do. I'm not sure if I'll ever return to Tevinter," Dorian mused. "I may stay in Skyhold forever. You'll never be rid of me Commander. Unless you decide to return to, where was it...Honnleath?"

"I couldn't return if I wanted to, it was destroyed in the Blight," I said letting out a long breath. I had not been in Honnleath since before the Blight, and I had not seen it since. Haven was the furthest into Fereldan I had been in 10 years. Now that was destroyed too. "It still stands in ruins. I suppose this is my home for now. Or I could eventually join my siblings in South Reach."

Out of the corner of my eye I saw an almost haunted look cross Lady Cousland's face. "You're from Honnleath?" she asked softly, chewing the side of her cheek. "I saw exactly what happened there. We passed through, tried to clear out some of the darkspawn. I wish...we could have done more."

I shook my head. "I'm sure you did everything you could."

"You family made it out?" she asked cautiously.

I cleared my throat. "My... parents were unable to escape in time. My siblings survived."

Her eyes lowered and her entire face dropped. "I'm sorry. I lost my parents during the blight too." It was not a pleasant thing to have in common. I spent most of my time trying to ignore the fact that my parents were gone.

"I was locked up in the circle at the time. I don't know if I should feel better or worse that I didn't have to see the destruction firsthand. My sister said it was...horrible. I'm grateful I get to remember only the Honnleath of my childhood. And I have only happy memories of my parents."

"When was the last time you saw them?" she asked.

"I was 13 when I left for the circle," I said.

"You knew what you wanted to do for the rest of your life at 13?" she asked.

"I knew from the time I was 8 that I wanted to be a Templar. I could think of no higher calling. I begged the Knight-Captain to train me. I guess he saw promise in me, because he spoke to my parents on my behalf."

"It must have been difficult then...leaving the Templars? After knowing you wanted to be one for so long?" she asked with a furrow at her brow.

"Not as difficult as you'd imagine," I shrugged. "By the time Cassandra offered me a position with the Inquisition, I knew I no longer agreed with the actions of the Templar order. It was easy to leave for a cause I believed in more."

"I suppose I know a bit what that's like, breaking away from one's order," she said quietly, looking down at her lap. "At least you had that choice. There's no such thing as an Ex-Grey Warden I'm afraid. It's sort of a permanent thing. I could leave the order I suppose, but I'd still be a Warden. I guess I have left technically, I've made myself into a rebel as far as they're are concerned. That's why they came after me. It's only a matter of time until they find out I'm helping the Inquisition, if they haven't already."

"You know you have the Inquisition's protection should you need it," I assured her.

"Well, let's just hope it doesn't come to that."

Dorian broke the seriousness of the conversation. I had almost forgotten he was there for a moment. "I actually passed through Highever on my way to Redcliff, Lady Cousland. Beautiful gardens there. I haven't seen any other parts of Fereldan though, certainly not Honnleath. What was your home like before the Blight, Commander?" he asked.

"It was a small village. Farmers mostly. My favorite spot was a little dock by the water. No one ever used it. It was quiet when my siblings were loud. I've always liked the quiet," I replied.

A small smile crossed Elissa's lips once again as she thought of something. "Do you remember a statue in the square when you were a child?"

"Of course. I helped decorate it during our festivals," I said.

"Well, she's a close personal friend of mine now," she said straightening her back and sticking out her chin proudly. 

"She?" I said utterly confused.

She laughed, knowing she would take me by surprise. " _She_  is a Golem and I found her control rod and activated her when we found her there. Her name is Shale."

"You're joking," I chuckled. 

"No, she fought with me during the Blight. She's very good at killing darkspawn, though pigeons are her specialty," she giggled. 

"Well, if you see her you'll have to apologize on my behalf," I said with a laugh. "We thought it, or rather  _she_ , was just a statue. I almost feel bad for the thing now." I looked up from the board after making my last move. "What I don't feel bad about though... is that I've just beat you again Dorian."

He let out a groan. "You made quick work of that, didn't you? I didn't stand a chance," he said sharply.

"I make quick work of a lot of things," I said, glancing up at Elissa. She knew what I meant. She tried to suppress her grin but it was peaking through, as was the pink that was coming to her cheeks.    

"Why do I get the distinct feeling that there's something I'm missing?" Dorian asked suspiciously.

I cleared my throat. "I'm afraid I'm not sure what you mean."

Elissa shrugged innocently. "Don't look at me, I haven't the faintest idea." 

Dorian narrowed his eyes, looking back and forth from myself to Elissa. I could see the gears turning in his head. I knew where his mind would go and I wish I could say he wouldn't come to the correct conclusion, but I'm sure he would. Of course that would have been his conclusion whether it was true or not, and I planned on denying every bit of it. He'd accused many throughout the fortress of carrying on secret affairs. But I knew it was because he had his own to speak of as well. I wasn't going to be another point of his gossip if I could help it.

"I suppose that's it then, beaten once more," he concluded. Gladly, he had decided not to press the issue, but I knew I would likely hear all about it later. 

"I should go anyhow," I said sitting back crossing my arms. "I'm expected at the pitch, I promised Bull and Krem I'd join them. We'll be out there sparring until supper I wager."

"Have fun with that. I know I would," he said.

Elissa dropped from the window and titled her head at Dorian. "Come on then, let's get to the those reports."

Dorian sighed. "Fine, let's get this over with. The sooner we finish, the sooner I can go watch them take their shirts off."  

She looked back shooting me a smile as they sauntered off, and I have to say I did enjoy the view as she walked away. That had went better than I thought it would. Not as awkward as it could have been. And at least I didn't run away. I always counted it as a win if I didn't run away. 


	8. That's it then

I looked overhead, trying not to let the stray beam of light glaring through the ceiling blind me. My eyes were drawn up toward the sound of flapping bird's wings and their broken coos. The ceiling above was patched up, but not well enough apparently. They called the tower the Rookery because of the birds. The library sat at the second level, its center open to the floors above and below. It was quite a waste of space if you asked me, but it did have a nice effect, giving an illusion of grandeur about the place. Above me I knew Leliana likely sat, silently calculating or perhaps pacing the floors muttering to herself under her breath piecing together secrets. My mind strayed there, wondering what she was up to and what kind of sordid intel she gathered today. It made me want to slink away and forget about this work for a while and stick my nose in her business for once. Leliana used to be my confidant and secret keeper, I used to be able to talk to her about anything, but yesterday? That I would keep to myself. I wasn't about to open myself up to those eyes of judgement. She certainly knew how to bore a hole right through with her leering, scheming eyes. It occurred to me that yesterday may have been entirely her fault. She did send me to the Commander's office after all.

I tapped my fingers on my brow, turning my attention back to the task at hand. My head was turning in circles for many reasons today. For now I needed to focus on just this, just the lyrium. The reports were before me now. It felt like I had read over the same information over and over again, but none of it made any more sense the tenth time than it did the first. I was tired of sitting at this damned desk in the numbing quiet of the library with nothing but the Calling and the occasional beating bird's wings to fill my ears.

"Dorian, what does this one mean?" I asked, pointing to another of his confounding descriptions scribbled in Arcanum.

Dorian stepped away from his books for a moment and leaned over my shoulder to take a look. "Oh Kaffas. It means shit."

"Oh," I laughed. There was another phrase further down I didn't know either. "And this long one?"

"Well, literally it translates to the nug pissed in his ear, but the expression means something like going off the deep end."

"Makes sense," I nodded.

I still could not wrap my mind around any of this. What made this red lyrium the way it was exactly? What made it different? Why was it so much worse than the other? The effects almost reminded me of the taint, but that was impossible. The taint only affected something if it were living. I knew that lyrium, the regular stuff, was inherently bad. Those who took it often became addicted. Mages and Templars alike spoke of a strange song or vibration they felt when it was near. I had taken the stuff only once, during my joining. It was blood magic, though I didn't know it at the time. Not until I was taught to perform the ritual on my own did I learn the chalice we drank from during our Joining contained darkspawn blood and lyrium. It was a necessary evil. I wonder what people would think if they knew what we subjected ourselves to in order to gain our abilities. If I hadn't done it myself I would certainly think it insane. But it was all part of the sacrifice, part of this bid to see to the greater good no matter the cost. I would never forget how it made me feel, how horrible it was. It was no wonder some people died from its drinking. I used to count myself lucky to have survived it, but not now. Some days, more and more often, I counted myself among the unlucky. I was the cursed.

This red lyrium, it was worse than the blue could ever be. Much worse. Why were these Templars willingly consuming it? What would compel them to take something they knew would lead them to a quick death? Was it that addictive? Were they chasing a stronger high? Or did they truly not know the consequences when they began? None of these answers were in these reports of course. I doubted anything useful really was. What good Leliana thought I could do I had no idea. I suspected the Red Templars knew much more about this lyrium than we could hope to learn. So far they had evaded the Inquisition's capture, and I had never actually seen one up close. I only saw what was in these reports. We knew the lyrium made those who took it stronger, but according to Dorian and the Inquisitor it also turned them into horrible creatures. And then there was what happened to Kirkwall's Knight-Commander, Meredith. It drove her insane, gave her strange powers. Hawke had told me some of his companions were affected just being near it. Varric's brother was still affected by it, his mind would never be the same.

"I don't think I'm closer to any answers than I was before. Now my head just hurts," I sighed.

"Let's call it an evening then, shall we?" Dorian suggested, snapping his book shut.

I placed my hand on the back of my neck and stretched, hearing my bones popping inside. "That sounds like an excellent idea."

It was in fact a great idea. I had spent most of the day with my eyes on these parchments and they were aching from it. But it was a distraction I had welcomed, otherwise my mind wandered too far. I'd start thinking about the Calling, or Corypheus, or Cullen. That's strange, I was starting to see a pattern here. I laughed inwardly at the thought. Cullen, that was something worth thinking about though. I wasn't sure before what I would do when I saw him again. I hadn't expected to blush when I did see him, but that was exactly my reaction. I wasn't really sure what had gotten into me. I felt my whole body come to life when I saw him there in library. The conversation had made things even worse. Maker, I couldn't stop thinking about it. Every time we spoke, I liked him more and more. He had sat there and talked about his parents, his childhood, his home, his siblings. You know, the type of things that actually let you get to know a person. That was not what I needed right now. He was drawing me into his clutches, making me feeling something. I didn't like to feel, not about other people. That was not something I did anymore. Damn him!

I should have been over this by now. I already had him, the itch had been scratched, he should be out of my head by now. But he wasn't Maker be damned. It almost made my blood boil. How could he parade around like some specimen to be ogled over and expect me to keep my hands to myself? A man like that must know the effect he has on women. And the reports, the way he talked about these reports was frustrating. I could never look at another report again without my drawers needing freshened. It made me want to scream. Fuck him and...and his broad shoulders, and his hard body, and his scruffy face, and that chiseled jaw, and his deep raspy voice, and those honey eyes that were just a little sad, and the way they made you want to bury his face in your bosom and tell him everything was going to be alright, and then the way those eyes sparkled on the rare occasion he laughed, and then the way he used them on me. What was it about brown-eyed Chantry boys that set me fluttering? Maker's breath. Oh and the damned scar on his lip, fuck that scar! It didn't have the right to be that enticing. He was making things very, very difficult for me. I'm sure it was on purpose.

I shook my head and sighed loudly as I packed away my things, trying my best to stack the parchments away nicely. I'd never get them as neat as Leliana had them, so I gave up even trying. I had half a mind to just toss them over the banister and watch them all float away. It would be quite comical to look down and see that elf at the bottom with papers sitting on top of his shiny head. Would he even brush them away or just let them sit while he sipped on his tea and read his tomes?

"Something the matter?" Dorian said titling his head at me.

I stood up and straightened out my tunic. "Everything's just perfect," I said with just the right amount of bitter sarcasm. I let out a long hard breath. "Why do you ask?"

"You know, I haven't known you for very long," he started off slowly. "But I'd say you were acting rather strangely earlier today. During our chess game."

"Oh, that," I stammered. "I...uh."

I fumbled over my words, then I just gave up trying to speak all together. I really wasn't sure what I could say.

"And you weren't the only one acting a little...odd," he continued.

He crossed his arms behind his back and he began circling around me. I turned my head as he went around trying to keep my eyes on him. He was obviously suspicious. I shouldn't have said half the things that came out of my mouth during that conversation, not in front of Dorian. He already knew from my staring during my ridiculous little meet and greet that I may have a been just a bit interested in the Commander.

"I'm not exactly sure what you're talking about. Everything seemed fine to me," I shrugged and swallowed hard.

"Are you sure you don't have anything you'd like to tell me?" he suggested.

I narrowed my eyes at him in a glare. "Very sure," I said curtly.

He threw his hands up defensively and stuck up his nose. "Fine, don't tell me. I'll find out eventually."

Dorian turned to make his way down the staircase toward the main hall, and I followed silently behind. Our footsteps and breaths were the only sounds that echoed off the stones. I only hoped he wouldn't turn around and try to goad anything out of me again. I expected when we reached the hall the tables would be set for supper. I was heartily looking forward to it. I felt like I hadn't ate in ages, even though it had only been a few hours. My hunger was slowly starting to come under some form of control, but I still wanted to eat quite a lot and quite often. Nearly as soon as the door to the hall shut behind me, I heard myself called.

"Warden-Commander," Cullen called from across the hall. He was coming from the main entrance, silhouetted against the sun making its last bid before dipping below the horizon. He picked up his pace and jogged his last few steps toward me. I squinted harshly as he approached, annoyed at his use of the title. He lowered his voice as he drew nearer. "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you."

"You didn't, it was just...Warden-Commander?" I scoffed and rolled my eyes at him.

He cleared his throat nervously. "Forgive me, I just thought it more appropriate to yell across a room full people." Then he leaned in and whispered. "Elissa."

I smirked at him, softening my face. I liked the way he said my name, my actual name. It was so very nice to hear it again and I didn't want to stop hearing it, not from those lips. "Fine. But why were you yelling across the room for me exactly?"

"Oh, right. I nearly forgot for a moment," he chuckled awkwardly. "Leliana has called us to the war room."

I let out a protesting moan and pinched the bridge of my nose between my fingers. "How many damn meetings does this Inquisition have in a week? I was about to get supper, I'm starving."

"I'm sure it won't take long," he rasped. "I think her raven has arrived from the Approach. I guess that means you'll be off soon." He glanced sideways at me and I swear I could detect just a bit of disappointment in his voice. I smiled inwardly thinking he might possibly notice my absence.

"Finally," I exasperated, then winced. I didn't mean it to come out the way it did at all, like I'd finally be rid of this place. I actually quite enjoyed it here. "Not that I was in a hurry to go anywhere, but... it is the whole reason I'm here, right?" I laughed weakly.

"Of course," he nodded. "But depending on what you find there, you could be back," he said with a shrug.

"I suppose it's very likely I won't be though," I said chewing the side of my cheek. "I may have to stay and clean things up for a bit." For a moment after, an almost uncomfortable silence ensued, neither one of us sure what else to say or do but stand there and look daft and grin awkwardly.

He broke the gaze and spoke sharply, clearing his throat as he adjusted the sword holster at his waist. "Well, let's not keep them waiting," he motioned.

We walked together and I tried to convince myself that it didn't feel a certain way to have him at my side, just close enough to faintly feel the heat coming from his body. He was sweaty and I could smell his musk. He said earlier he would be sparring for the rest of the afternoon and it looked as though he had done so quite vigorously. We were the last to join the council, and it was underway quickly. The scouts were fast.. It had taken 12 days for them to make it to the Western approach and their raven had been able to cross that distance in a day with its message attached. Scout Harding confirmed Warden activity, but the scouts had been unable to get close enough to see what they were really up to. Of course we would be going in blind, when was I ever allowed to be completely prepared for a task? Another mission I'd have to fumble my way through. It was clear now that our trip would be underway soon if we were to find my brethren. And as each moment of the meeting passed, there was an obvious but unspoken distance growing between the Commander and I. Reality was setting in.

We all listened intently while Leliana finished her report. The room deferred to the Inquisitor as he considered our next move carefully. The discussion began and a plan was made, then he looked to me.

"Will you be ready by tomorrow Warden Cousland?" the Inquisitor asked. My eyes caught the Commander's at that moment, for just a second. We knew what this meant, what this meeting was ending. No more fun and games. I watched his gaze lower, focusing somewhere on the map, or maybe past it.

"If your people are ready," I replied with a nod looking back to Trevelyan.

"My team is more than prepared," he grinned confidently. "The sooner we see to this the better."

"Whose going with you?" Commander Cullen asked, straightening out his shoulders and looking back up.

"I thought I would bring Dorian along since the scouts have reported Venatori activity. Cole has been to the Western Approach before. And I thought I'd bring Blackwall since this does concern him as a Warden," the Inquisitor said thoughtfully.

"Good," Leliana added. "Those are all excellent choices."

I squinted at her curiously. Blackwall? His involvement in this was not my idea of an excellent choice. My face said it as much as any words could, I couldn't keep my brow from tightening. I proceeded cautiously, trying to sound diplomatic on the matter, drawing out my words. "You don't think sending the only two Warden allies you have to be... unwise?"

"No, we need both of you there," Leliana said setting her eyes straight at me. She must have been up to something and needed Blackwall to be with me, or at least away from Skyhold. I nodded in understanding, conceding.

"What about your troops Cullen?" Trevelyan asked.

"I'm sending five of my best men along to aid you," he said, his voice thoroughly commanding and deep. This was the voice that caught my attention during that first council. The confidence and the certainty he conveyed could drive me to complete madness. It meant business and it meant control. "They all have Templar training. I thought it best since Commander Cousland believes we may be dealing with blood magic. Then they'll stay behind to establish a camp when you've concluded your business there."

"We'll need to be sure our lyrium supplies are sufficient then, I suppose," the Inquisitor said rubbing his chin with some concern.

"They know their responsibility on the matter," he said with a stoic short tilt of the head.

"Alright, if that's it, then we leave tomorrow. Meeting adjourned," the Inquisitor said clapping his hands together. "Let's all get some supper."

Suddenly my gut sank and a distinct sense of dread filled me. I was leaving tomorrow. I didn't know I was going to feel sad about it. This was business, nothing more, I didn't come here for fun or companionship. My goal had been met and the Inquisition would be off with me tomorrow on my mission. I stood wide-eyed, in utter disbelief at myself. I had been here just over a week, this wasn't my home, these weren't my friends, the man standing across from me was not my lover. So why did I feel so awful about leaving?


	9. Goodbye Commander

We gathered at the tables in the throne room as we normally did. Where we sat were supposedly the seats reserved for the more important members of the Inquisition, such as the inner circle and distinguished guests, along with the visiting nobles who needed to feel more significant than they were. I guess my unearned title made me one of those honored guests because I had been invited here from the beginning. It beat eating alone in the tavern I suppose. The Inquisitor sat at the head of the table, which was usual, but this time the Commander joined us after a little convincing from Trevelyan. "Since I'm already here," he said when he agreed.

My face tensed when he sat, I'm sure noticeably. My face always gave me away. I wanted him there, he was welcome, but at the same time I felt like maybe I should be as far away from him as possible. All of this was becoming a bad idea, I wished I didn't enjoy him being there as much as I did. He sat at just the right distance across the table, a few seats over. It was easy to bat my eyes at him, exchange some stolen glances and those short knowing smiles that I accused others of.  I knew I shouldn't and he knew he shouldn't. I couldn't help myself though, my eyes drew to him whether I intended them to or not. I could see from the corner of my eye when he was watching me. Half the time I don't think he even knew he was watching me. I tried to ignore it, but he was like a beacon. When I'd move my head to look up, he would look away. If I caught his eyes he'd hold the gaze for a moment, but then he'd look at me with a little disappointment behind his eyes. But still he smiled and then he'd bring his hand behind his neck or to his brow and act like his attention was on someone or something else.  

The atmosphere at the table was strange too, different. It was to be expected the night before a mission, knowing there was danger ahead but trying to ignore the possibility and just enjoy the night. The conversation at the table seemed light and jovial, but there was an underlying despondency to it all. Maybe they were screaming on the inside as much as I was, or maybe they were buzzing with anticipation. Some of them seemed to be quite excited about leaving. I wasn't looking forward to it at all. For them this was likely just another exciting adventure on the road, but for me it wasn't.

Now that the eve was quickly upon us I felt a sick pulling in my core. I was nervous now. Nervous to leave Skyhold which had been a safehouse to me the past week, nervous to face the order I had rebelled against, nervous at the possibility of what we would find once we arrived in the Approach. I'd been away, hiding for almost a year. How much damage had Clarel been able to do to the Wardens in that time? How many had she been able to gather? I hoped the Inquisitor was truly prepared for this. Our numbers were few, and there was a reason an army of Grey Wardens was so feared. I anguished at the possibility of having to raise arms against my own, but I would do what I must. I wondered what Alistair would think of all this. He would surely have been on my side and stood with me against Clarel, even if the others wouldn't. He always had a very strong sense of right and wrong. If only he had known how wrong he was about leaving me behind. I missed him. I always missed him, but I had held on to my anger with him too for a very long time. He left me here, alone, condemned to suffer a life I never asked for. I hated him for it. 

I spent a rather unorthodox amount of time during the meal staring down at my food without actually eating any of it. My stomach was turning, temporarily calming my appetite. Usually I would be devouring whatever was in front of me and hoping no one noticed when I got seconds and thirds. I only finished one plate tonight, though it was an admittedly large plate. I hated this feeling. I'd went from numb to depressed to who knew what. I really really hated feeling anything at all, and now I was feeling entirely too many things at once. It was time to put my walls back up.  

I quietly slipped away from the table, finding myself in need of a bit of solitude. Being around all of the idle chatter wasn't helping anything, even if it did drown out the music. For a while I sat in my quarters and readied my armor. I packed away the few things I brought with me. It wasn't much, I left most of my belongings behind a long time ago. I didn't see the point in any of it anymore. It made leaving easier, and that's what I was doing. I didn't plan on being back after this.

When I was done, I decided to put a polish to my weapons and ran them over with a sharpening stone. It felt as though I hadn't gripped the handles of my daggers in a very long time, though much time hadn't really passed. Little more than a week. I laughed to myself quietly, thinking of how the last time these were in my hands I had them held to the Inquisitor's throat in Crestwood. I wasn't sure how much time I had spent in that damn cave they'd found me in, but I was just now starting to get the smell of the wet mold out of my nose. I'm glad I was able to leave it for Skyhold. It was nice here. I held the daggers out, inspecting each thoroughly. One had been a part of a set, but I had lost its match in the skull of a darkspawn long ago. Now I just had the single twin blade made of dragon bone. It was given to me upon my appointment as Warden-Commander at Amarathine. There was nothing extraordinary or ornate about this blade, but it was solid and had seen me through some nasty nights in the Deep Roads. The other dagger I held was made of red steel. It was a little more decorated than my other weapon, especially at the hilt and it's shape was more interesting. I had acquired in it a chest in Honnleath of all places. Why did I remember that? I'd found a lot of weapons in a lot of chests over the years, but something about this one had been special from the start. Both of these had been at my back for almost a decade, the tools of my survival. They were like an extension of my own body, a very sharp and deadly extension. These people hadn't seen what I could actually do with these. They may soon find out if we were forced into a fight in the Approach.

A few hours passed and sleep still had not taken me. I knew it likely wouldn't tonight, not at any sort of reasonable hour. The music was too damned loud and it wasn't like I would have been able to relax anyway thinking about tomorrow.  I left my room to wander, my mind on making my way to the kitchens to look for leftovers. My stomach was grumbling at me, not forgiving me for its lack of supper. I'd ate as much as any normal person would have, but not like a Grey Warden. I had a Grey Warden stomach, it wasn't going to stand for just a single portion. Perhaps my belly knew it wouldn't get the chance to eat its fill for the next several days while we journeyed. Dry rations just never did it for me. If I wanted to eat, it would have to be tonight. This hunger could be rather mortifying at times. If anyone who wasn't a Warden knew how much I packed away, I can't even imagine what they would think. They would definitely wonder why my arse wasn't larger.

I left the confines of the main hall and stepped outside into the dark. The sky wasn't quite black when I looked up, more of a very dark blue color. It was clear, I could see every star that glittered the sky, not a cloud in sight. I breathed in hoping its starkness would bring me my own clarity. It did no such thing, not even the chill in the air helped matters. Skyhold sat in the middle of the Frostback Mountains, but it was by no means cold. Not by Fereldan standards anyway. It was always cold in Fereldan, but to me it was comfortable. I had learned to hate the warmth in the Deep Roads. Heat in the air was constricting, suffocating. By all measure this was a beautiful night. When I was a girl and I couldn't sleep, I would walk the water's edge on nights like this. I used to love the night, it was freeing and peaceful. Now the quiet of it was never welcome. If I were home, if I could call Highever that anymore, I'd have the roar of the sea to help drown out the song in my head, but not here. At night and even in certain corners during the day, Skyhold was filled with deafening silence. This was certainly a special place though, you felt that the moment you stepped through its gates. You could look all around and never know there was anything wrong with the world outside these walls. I wished I had the naivety to believe that even fleetingly.

At the top of the stairs I stopped when I heard a sound in the distance. Quite a lot of sound actually. I perked my ears toward it, determining it came from the direction of the camps that quartered the Inquisition soldiers. I knew where it was, I'd walked down there before with the Commander. The sound that came was a roar, a coordinated one, like a war chant or a jody. A few shouts and then the sounds faded away quickly. I kept down the stairs hoping I'd hear it again, but nothing.

I finished the first set of stairs and made it to the upper courtyard. I stopped and looked around. The infirmary was quiet, everyone inside was asleep. The smithy was dark, they'd finished for the day. Even the direction of the Herald's Rest was entirely too calm, but there were a few drunken fools still at it. I could see their shadows moving through the windows. Still so quiet out here though, it was maddening. I was about to descend to the lower atrium where I could sneak up to the stairs to the kitchens, but then i heard the faint sounds of someone walking through the lower courtyard. I could hear the rustle of their leather and armor. When I spotted them, I didn't expect it to be him. It was Cullen, I recognize his form right away even from this far. I'd spent far too much time looking at it not to. He must have been the one causing such a ruckus of enthusiasm at the camps. I startled and shrank back against the wall where I wouldn't be seen, deciding whether I wanted to be caught by him or not and hoping my gasp hadn't given me away. I gripped the stone with my fingers and squeezed my eyes shut feeling my chest heave as I tried to figure out what I would do. I could keep quiet now, and leave tomorrow without so much as a goodbye and move on like I always did, or...I could say hello and see what happened. It could turn out to be a perfectly innocent exchange, right? I knew what I should do, but not what I would.

I peaked around the edge, standing in the archway underneath the main stairway and fixed my eyes on him. How many times had I seen him today? Even within the past few hours? Yet each time was like the first. My walls fell instantly. My breath would always catch, my heart would race each time. I stood there and watched him, putting myself through the torture. He was an absolute vision of a man, more beautiful every time I saw him. His face lit in the moonlight only made it worse for me, and for the first time I had seen, his hair was disheveled and hanging down loosely instead of slicked back. I wanted to touch it, make it even messier. The way he walked was almost supernal. He swayed when he walked, when he was in his element he walked with a proud swagger. His gait was inexplicably attractive, it was so damned manly and controlled without being too cocky. Each beat of it brought an extra beat to my heart. I couldn't breath sometimes when I looked at him, when I really looked at him. 

I sunk back to the wall and squeezed my eyes shut again. He hadn't seen me yet here in the dark, stalking him like a wretch. Maker, my resolve was waning. I held tight to the wall to hold tight to my will. He made this burn spread across my lungs, my whole body clenched aching for him again, just at the sight of him. But I'd made up my mind I wouldn't. Sitting there in my room, I had come to a decision to stay away, to only exchange what civility was expected between a Grey Warden and the Commander of the Inquisition. We could move past what had happened. One time meant nothing, it could be brushed off as just a bad decision. But if I went back for more, that's when lines started getting crossed. As if they weren't already. I could see him in my mind's eye, unable to bear looking at the real thing. I wanted to devour him whole. He was beauty, the Maker personified in his every move, his every muscle, that little way his eyes twinkled, and how his soft lips lifted into the most delicious grin. What would it really hurt to be with him once more? I thought of his words of invitation yesterday as he stood there, half naked in his office with that sly lift of his brow and his suggestive smirk when he talked of needing more reports. Sweet Andraste, did I need another report right now! But I couldn't, could I? At that moment, I forgot why exactly I had decided that I couldn't. I mucked up my courage and inhaled slowly with determination, and let go of the stone. I rounded the corner, staring down...but he was gone. It was probably for the best. Food was all I'd be having tonight, and that was all I should have. 

* * *

 

Tonight would be a late end to a very long fruitful day. I was tired, but still I could tell I would have trouble falling asleep tonight. I'd spent so many nights restless over the last year, I knew when the sleepless nights were coming. These were the nights I made excuses to keep working, found reasons to run my troops past their normal duty day, told myself I'd read just one more report or sign off on just one more proposal. That's exactly what I had done today, I kept working. I was only now leaving the camps. After leaving the troops and dismissing them for lights out, I made my way back to my office in the quiet and the dark. It was a stroll I often enjoyed. The cool air and the quiet walk always did me some good, cleared my head a little. It was too easy for me to get foggy now. I opened my door to an empty office, just as I did every night. Well, not last night I suppose. For a little while I'd had some company. I sat at my desk and threw my feet on top, undoing the straps of my armor and letting it drop to the ground with a thud and throwing my pauldrons on top. I really should take better care of it all, but something had to scuff it. I wasn't seeing much of the field these days, I was spending most of my time sitting behind a desk. I sighed, moving to pour myself a cup of wine. I tilted the bottle, but nothing flowed and I remembered yesterday it had spilled. I chuckled thinking of the manner in which it happened.

I'd tried to keep my mind off Lady Cousland tonight, but it wasn't working. After the war council, I think we both realized our mistake. I suppose it took the day for it all to sink in. I knew that I should stop thinking about her. At supper she was different than normal. She smiled and laughed with us, but it was weakly feigned. Her focus was more inward at her own thoughts rather than at the words of those around her. I could see something hidden there behind her eyes. A sort of fear, trepidation. It was unsettling, but I'd have to let her work it out on her own. I purposely kept away and made no attempts to engage her. Well I tried not to at least, but my eyes still kept drifting toward her during supper. I felt a hesitancy to look up and meet her eyes, but I also lacked the ability not to. I watched her mouth when she talked, admired the way her hair kept falling and she'd keep brushing it away from her face tucking it behind her ear, noticed the way the candles on the table set her eyes bright. So many times I could see her lip planted firmly between her teeth and she'd chew it nervously and all I wanted was to be that lip or even the teeth. I wasn't sure what to think of myself anymore, I was being dishonorable and that is something I always strode to avoid. I was becoming more than infatuated with her, but she was leaving tomorrow and hopefully that would be the end of it. I could bring my focus back to my true purpose and my vows to the Inquisition, start acting like its Commander again and nothing else. I swore myself to this cause and nothing would stand in the way of that. But deep down I did hope she came back, however unlikely, if only to know she was alright. I wasn't heartless enough to just forget about someone no matter how casual the encounter. But from now on, she was the Warden-Commander, and that would be all she was to me.

I sat the bottle down on my desk and sighed largely, my thirst even worse now that I knew it would go unquenched. Who was I kidding? It would always go unquenched. It wasn't wine I was thirsty for, not truly. The wine wasn't blue. In frustration I stood and slammed my fist on the desk with an angry grunt. The bottle fell to the ground and smashed. I shook my head at myself for once again losing my temper over something so small. I made a promise to never again let the taste of lyrium cross my lips, wine and ale would have to do, no matter how much my body shook and ached for something else. The broken bottle was the last from my own stores. I'd have to go to the tavern if I intended to drink tonight. But I knew if I passed through those doors I'd get roped into staying for drinks with Bull or finagled into a game with Varric. Even if I refused, half my night would be spent in the tavern arguing with them and then I'd get accused of being too serious or too stiff. That was not at the top of the list of my desires tonight, I wasn't in the mood. But a thought occurred to me. Perhaps I could find some cook's wine in the kitchens, it would be better than nothing. Probably a bit sweet for my taste, but I could manage.

I left my office and passed through the lower part of the library where Solas usually spent his time. I knew he would likely be there, he never leaves unless it's for a mission with the Inquisitor. That's why the man was so pale. Still, I startled seeing him and his porcelain head rooted in the back of the chair like some ghoul. But as usual he was asleep, he'd probably claim in the morning he was doing some sort of fade research. I'm not sure how he managed to sit there at that desk and sleep upright. It was rather creepy, even more so this late at night. He looked dead. The man should be in a bed for pity's sake. Elves are quite strange creatures, Solas most of all. Had I ever passed through and actually seen him awake? I couldn't be sure to be honest.

The throne room was deserted save two guards posted by the throne. I scowled as I realized they probably weren't awake, otherwise they would have snapped to attention by now at the sight of me. I hadn't put my armor back on, but they should still recognize their Commander. I remembered falling asleep on guard duty as a young Templar, it was a time honored tradition for us poor saps stuck on night rounds. It was easy to fake it under those thick helms, but we were at least smart enough to take turns napping. One guard cleared his throat and the other lifted his head with a snort and they both snapped their legs together and saluted as I passed. I returned their gesture with a nod. I was pleased they weren't both asleep after all.

I opened the door that led to the vaults, but anyone who saw me would likely think I would be spending some time in the war room tonight, rather than sneaking in the kitchens and pilfering the cook's wine stores. Sometimes it was good to be the Commander, no one would question me to see where I was headed. When I made my way through the first door, I could see light flickering under the second door and hear voices through it. Lady Montilyet was in her office I assumed, and there was a male voice I refused to make assumptions about. I would be minding my own business tonight. If she and the Inquisitor were truly entangled as the Warden suggested, it made sense for them to be together tonight. He was leaving in the morning and we couldn't be sure how long. Luckily I didn't need to spend any time at the war table tonight and I could avoid that awkward encounter.

I tread down the stairs and through the winding halls of the vaults to find the kitchen. When I rounded the corner, what I saw here I didn't expect. It took my breath away. But the surprise was a pleasant one no matter how much I tried to deny it. It wasn't the wine that I was looking for, but I knew it tasted just as sweet. Everything I had just told myself, every feeling I was trying to repress, it all melted away. I had never seen quite a sight. Looking at me, eyes wide in surprise was Lady Cousland who had situated herself on top of a counter with a basket in her lap and her fingers wrapped around a handful of berries she was stuffing into her mouth. She gasped and dropped the berries when I walked through the door and I froze.

"Shit!" she cursed breathlessly. She held her hand to her chest trying to catch her breath and laughed. "You scared the bloody hell out of me. I thought you were the cook. She'd have my hide."

"Apologies," I chuckled walking further into the room now that my shock had passed. "I didn't expect anyone to be down here. Especially not shoveling tomorrow's pie filling down their throat."

"Well I wasn't going to eat it all," she shrugged, hesitant to look at me. Her eyes shifted and she took another berry into her mouth. After a silence she held out the basket and lifted her brows to offer me a share of her loot. I wanted to keep my distance. Keeping my distance was the best course of action, but my feet moved forward without regard to what my head told them to do. I reached in and took a handful, leaning back against the table in the center of the room. Just a few feet stood between us. We cast a few glances in each others direction. I tried not to watch the berries as they graze past her lips, but slowly my eyes would drift and linger there at her mouth and my throat would catch. Silence ensued. She sat the basket to the side and moved her hands beneath her thighs, letting her feet dangle. She decided she'd had enough awkward silence.

"I knew you were awake, but I didn't think you'd have a reason to come down here. I'm usually the only one who comes for midnight snacks," she said to make conversation.

"I was more after drink," I answered. "How did you know I was awake?" I said narrowing my eyes at her curiously.

She considered not answering for a moment. She looked at me with a tightness ran across her brow. She knew as well as I did we shouldn't be here, that we should stay away. Far away. She was fighting this as hard as I was, and she was just as weak. "I was outside. I heard the troops shouting and then I saw you walking back," she said. 

She saw me outside. I wondered how long she watched me and where she had hidden herself. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"Should I have?" Her brow furrowed further. If she had said something, we would have just been in a situation like this sooner. Maybe we would have talked, maybe she would have followed me to my office, maybe we would have ended up in my bed. My head was swimming with bad ideas. I knew after that meeting in the war room that we had silently come to an agreement, that we couldn't be foolish, that our one mistake would have to be it for the sake of professionalism and propriety. It was in a look we'd exchanged in the council, it told me everything I needed to know. It was business now and nothing more. Except we had both already broken that agreement at supper and again now.   

"I'm not sure. Maybe," I said softly, looking away from her. The words emanated from deep in my throat. I sighed, frustrated that I couldn't even stand here and talk to her without my mind going where it shouldn't.  

It got quiet. We both knew it was a bad idea to be alone. She looked at me, moving her eyes around very unsure where to leave them. And once again, her teeth were there tugging on her lip. She lowered her head and her hair fell off her shoulders and around her face. I wanted to reach up and push it away so I could keep looking at her in this light, the blue of the moon shining through the windows giving her such a glow. But I didn't. I kept away as I should. 

She took a breath and raised her head, taking her hair behind her ears herself. She slid from atop the counter and dropped to the floor with hardly a sound when her feet hit the ground. She was light on her feet when she wanted. She had to be, considering the weapons she was trained to use. "Well, what were you looking for?" she said. "I know you didn't come all this way for water. Wine then?" 

"As a matter of fact that's exactly what I was looking for," I sighed. She was trying to get rid of me. I looked around with my hand behind my neck, rubbing away at it. If that's what she wanted, I would get my wine and go. I wasn't sure where they'd keep it.  

She ducked below the table she was perched on before for a moment and emerged with a bottle. "This should be a good one," she said handing it off to me. "You didn't have enough at supper?"

"That was ale, not wine and it was one cup," I chuckled despite feeling a bit defensive. Many Templars who left their service turned to drink after, but I wouldn't consider my habit as bad as that. "And you're one to talk about having enough at supper. The way you were just stuffing your face it was like you hadn't eaten in weeks, and I seem to remember your portions at supper were rather large."

"Oh, you noticed that?" she said rubbing her brow and wincing. "It's a Warden thing. We eat...a lot! It's quite embarrassing actually. I always feel as though I'm on the brink of starvation. Since I've been here its been worse, I've just been...ravenous."

"Oh? A Warden thing," I said lifting my brow and swallowing. "You get...  _ravenous_." It was a suggestive statement to say the least. 

"For food!" she said with a quick swat to my arm. 

"Sure, for food," I shrugged and folded my arms, glaring down at her with a smirk noticing now she had gotten a lot closer than she had been before. No more than an arms length between us now. 

"Are you always so depraved?" she said narrowing her eyes at me, but unable to keep from grinning. 

"I think you've brought out my corruption," I said, a certain rasp to my voice. The one that tended to emerge when a different part of me was about to take over. 

Her lips parted slightly and she looked up at me through heavy lids. "I don't think you know as much about corruption as you think you do."

I took a step closer and loomed over her now. "Don't tempt me into showing you, Warden."

"I would never dream of it."

She'd done it again, tempted me into this situation, standing over her, wanting to kiss her and more. I shook my head and stepped away, moving back away from her. I couldn't do this again if I intended to forget.  

"Well, good. I should, uh...I should go."

"You should," she said simply, without moving from the spot she had planted her feet.

I wanted to leave, but my feet weren't moving the direction I had hoped. "Because this is a very bad idea. I shouldn't be alone with you. We've had our fun, and we both want to move on, don't we?"

"Precisely. Another  _distraction_  wouldn't be a good idea at all. I'll be gone after tonight. Best not to make things more complicated for ourselves. Though I doubt it would matter since you'll likely never set eyes on me again."

I stopped in the doorway and turned around at that looking back at her. "That would be quite a shame."

She walked closer, arms crossed in front and she glared up at me with her chin jutted out. Her eyes ran over me, I could see her mind working, thinking of what to do or what to say. "Why? Why would that be a shame?"

"You know why," I replied, somehow the distance between us had been lessened again.  

I stumbled as she pulled me close by the collar and pulled us both to the wall. I caught myself and rested my hand against the wall behind her. She didn't kiss me, she just stopped and looked up at me, her breath heavy, her eyes locked in mine. I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment, trying to hesitate, trying to hold back. I let out a huff of indecision and frustration looking down at her. We were exactly in this position yesterday, but I had been the aggressor. This time was her fault. I wanted her, but I knew I shouldn't do this, not again. But I couldn't take it anymore. Her lips were so red from the berries, I'm sure they tasted like them too. I just wanted to feel them one more time. She was leaving, I wouldn't get a chance again. And she was right here, it would be so easy just to lean down, press my lips to hers softly, part them with my tongue and dip it inside. Tomorrow she would be gone, out of my hair at last. I had to kiss her, there was nothing else I could do. But she beat me to it, lifting herself on the tips of her toes and drawing my lips to hers, so soft and warm. After that I could not help what followed. She had me right where she wanted me. I wondered if this had been her plan all along. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was so hard to write for some reason, I just couldn't bring it together, even though I knew how i wanted it to go. I finally pulled it together and got something written. 
> 
> I kept listening to the song "Colour Me In" by Damien Rice, I felt it fit pretty well with the last part of the chapter.


	10. Did it really have to be this way?

Oh yes, the morning after. Never quite a pleasant feeling, waking up wincing at your own memories. I had waken entirely too many times with this sort of regret in my life. This regret had happened twice.

I sat up slowly, blinking to clear the sleep from my eyes. I had only been out for a few hours, but it would be enough to get me through the day. Thanks in part to that famous Warden stamina. I woke in my own bed this morning. I was at least not foolish enough to spend time in anyone else's, despite completing the acts that should have been done there. That's where they were done by normal people anyway. This bed was mine for the last time, thankfully. Though It was quite comfortable in my little Griffon suite, as the Inquisitor called it. The room had been cleared out and all that remained was the bare furniture and my supplies gathered on one wall, I was leaving it just as I found it. Near the door my things were sat, packed away neatly save for the few items I would carry on my person. My armor was shining nicely beside the packs, ready to return to the flesh of its owner. Probably anxious to do its job again, thirsting for new splatters of blood and smears of dirt. They would come quickly. Its shine would last a day, if even that.

I scooted to the edge of the bed, reaching my arms up to stretch. I had the strange feeling of aching fogginess from too little sleep and I was sore. Too much idleness had made me go stiff. I was ready for the road, ready to move my muscle, and more than that ready to see some distance between myself and Skyhold. I was upset with myself. I had been a fool these past few days. I let things go too far. I wasn't sure why really.

Dragging my feet, I finally lifted myself sleepily from the bed. I shuffled to the wash basin and leaned over it to splash water on my face and in my mouth. I sighed and hung my head for a moment. I swear I could still taste him on me. At least now I could rid myself of it, brush it away and forget it ever happened. I never let it get this far before, never let myself get this attached. It was too dangerous. I did actually like him, I could admit that, and that was the problem. It was just barely enough to make me feel melancholy about leaving, but it was still too much. Too much affinity for a person only led to weakness and pain, it made it too hard to make tough decisions. I refused to feel anything resembling romance or dare I say that awful 'L' word. I was destroyed after Alistair, I wouldn't go through anything like that ever again. Cullen would never know of my true propensity for him, I would make sure of that. Just as sure as I would make certain that this ardor for him ended. If I weren't leaving today, I might be worried. I would have found an excuse to leave if I had to. But such as it were, I would be gone in a few hours, and finally able to put some distance between myself and the object of my dismay. I could finally breathe easier.

I supposed it was time to dress. I could hear the hold starting to stir outside, even though the sun had barely risen. We would be off shortly. I took a deep breath, squinting at the glare of the sun that hit my eye as I approached my armor. Once I filled that shell of silver and blue, I knew things could go back to the way they were. I could put up my walls again, I could be Warden Cousland again and nothing more. Being here had caused me to break a promise I made to myself long ago, after letting myself almost become lost before because of Alistair. I swore from then on I would always stay in control of my emotions. I swore I would stand apart from others, keep them away. Push them away if I had to. A lesson the dear old Wardens had taught me. I hadn't been doing a very good job of that as of late, but today that would change. It was time to get a hold of myself, quit letting my physical cupidity take over my actions. I shook my head. Years. It had been years since I had given in like I had with the Commander, why had I let myself do this now? And why with him? I knew there was a capacity in me to care for someone like him. That’s why all of this was such a terrible, horrible, completely abominable idea, but I didn't listen, not even to that little voice in my head. No, instead I listened to my privates, giving way to all rationality. This was the bloody Templar's fault, I just knew it had to be. I wouldn't take the blame. No matter whose fault, at least it was over now. I’d only have to face him once more, and then it was done.

Andraste preserve me. 

* * *

 "Commander Cullen, a word," the quartermaster said, waving me over. I approached him with haste. 

The morning had come quickly, with barely an ounce of sleep. Most of the Keep rose early and I with them. We were preparing for the Inquisitor's departure within the hour. The bustle was a stark contrast to the night before, movement and noise in every corner. They were leaving today. All of them were leaving, including the Warden. She and I made a promise last night that it would be the end of it, even if she came back. Today we were to be perfect strangers, as if none of it ever happened.

I wasn't sure how well I could pretend last night didn't happen. I thought of it even now when my focus should be on our final preparations. I shifted on my feet uncomfortably as I stood in the dirt trying to pay attention to the quartermaster. I was supposed to be listening to a rundown of our supplies and identify where we were still lacking, but I couldn't concentrate. I kept feeling my eyes drift away and out of focus with every word from the quartermaster's mouth. I just kept thinking of Elissa, or now I should say Warden Cousland. I kept replaying the night before over and over again in my head.

The fresh memory took my mind. We stood there, against yet another wall and then she kissed me. The kiss still lingered on my lips. When she did it, she pulled me in desperately but then barely brushed her lips against mine as if to hesitate before pressing our mouths together. Her mouth was so soft and so warm, and her tongue tasted like berries. The next moment we were groping at one another like we were starving animals at our last meal, fumbling everywhere through the kitchen, struggling to find purchase somewhere…anywhere.

My hands gripped around her hips, and I lifted her onto the counter once we found it. I practically ripped off her trousers and I sunk to my knees. I looked up and saw those damned teeth digging into her plump little lip while I spread her open. And then without leaving her eyes I gave her my most wicked smirk, and I parted my lips and pressed my tongue to the warm flesh between her thighs, I ran my tongue up her wet slit and had a taste of her. As long as I lived I don’t think I could forget the taste of it and the smell of it. It's not like the dirty jokes they tell in stinking taverns over swilled ale. No, this was different, so much better. It was the taste of pure divinity, so much sweeter and more enticing than anything in this world had the right to be. She tried to bite back her moan while my tongue swirled and licked and my lips rolled slick over her folds and searched for the hard pebble to draw into my mouth. When I found it I sucked and flicked. The sounds came out of her as a ragged whimper, a desperate mewling. She couldn’t help herself but to arch back and grind against me, raking her hands through my hair. I could hear her curses of "fuck" and cries of  "Maker" and words I couldn't even make out filling the air. I took my time, teased her until I couldn't take the sounds of her stifled groaning anymore as she drew closer to her climax. I couldn't take her begging anymore. My mouth would have been enough, but she wanted the rest of me, she pleaded to have me inside her. "Cullen, please," she whined.

She said my name. Last time she didn't say my name.

Happily I complied and I rose to my feet. I anchored my hand around her bottom as I climbed over her and brought her away from the edge of the table to the middle of the wood. I didn't even take the time to fully undress her, I just opened her shirt and undid her breast binding and watched her breasts fall out, full and heavy. I had made things easy on myself by showing up without my armor, I only had to kick away my trousers and lift away my shirt this time. I sunk my face between her breast as I penetrated her finally and I felt my eyes roll to the back of my head at the first feel of her tightening around me, barely able to hold it together. I cried "Maker" probably too loudly, but we were far enough away from prying ears that no one would hear us if they weren't in the vaults. She quivered under my touch when I moved inside the depth of her. The feeling of being wrapped in her warmth was nearly unendurable. It was ecstasy. She kept pace with me, rolling her hips and arching her back and making the friction unbearable for very much longer. I was trying my best to keep it together, to keep going just a little longer. I was panting, losing my rhythm as I came closer and closer, whimpering like an aching boy. Her legs were spread wide and hooked over my bottom thrusting me even deeper and faster, I was so deep inside of her, she took me all. I knew she was about to come undone when she started digging her fingers into my hips and she threw back her head. I watched her as her mouth gaped wide and her eyes clenched. The vibrations took over her whole body and she let out gasping moans digging her fingers even harder into my flesh, keeping me right where she wanted me for the desired effect. And there I pressed harder, pulsing only slightly until she was done. I took in the view and I reveled in the wonder of having that kind of power over another being. The power to make  _that_  happen.

From there her objective was to bring me to my own place of bliss, lifting and rolling her hips in exactly the right way. She wrapped her arms around my neck, pulling me close and pressing her lips to my ear. I could feel her hotly breath on me, burning my skin as she cooed "Come for me, Cullen." There it was, my name again. If only she knew what that did to me, to hear her say it, especially like that. My whole body curled as my release rippled through my body. My fingers were tangled in her hair and I gripped it tighter as I groaned and stammered in the crook of her neck. I stayed there for a moment, whimpering slightly as I throbbed inside her and felt her heart beating quickly against my chest. "Maker's breath," I breathed. I pulled away and then we both laid there, breathing heavily, spent from the exertion. It took a few moments to realize where we were, and what we had just done...again. We pretended we had no control over it, that it just happened by mistake, but that was a lie. We would lie and tell ourselves that it didn't feel as right as it did too.

All she had to do was ask and I was hers to do with what she pleased. And today I was supposed to forget it ever happened. Forget how well she fit under me and forget the feel of her weight over me, forget how soft her skin was or how she smelled like honeysuckle and just a hint of clover. Another lifetime and I wouldn't have had to, I could have entertained the notion of having it always be mine. But not in this life. Last night was it I was afraid, the end of it. It was a glorious end at least. Now with the arrival of today, we were part of the Inquisition and today we were at war.   

Quickly I was jolted back to the present, my senses taking in the real world instead of the one of memory I had formed in my head.

"Commander, the manifest you asked for," a messenger spoke, breaking my distraction. I cleared my throat, slightly embarrassed at my inattention. I used the interruption to take my leave of the quartermaster and move on to another task. Hopefully one I could focus on more readily.

"Thank you," I nodded my dismissal and stepped away, only half glancing at the parchment I was handed.

All around me, feet were stomping, people were rushing about, armor and swords were clanking by. My stride was occasionally broken by the stray recruit or random passerby I would motion to pass in front of me. The sun was bright, but a chill still hung in the air and the dew had not quite left the ground. It was too early for that. I passed through the courtyard, glancing briefly at my Leftenant who was in the middle of early morning drills. I titled my head in a curt motion of approval and continued on my way. I was headed to the stables where I'd make one last check of the mounts before the party's departure. Master Dennet was finishing his assessment of the horses and his stable hands were saddling the last two of the steeds when I arrived. Blackwall was there at the stables as he always was, solemnly watching with his arms crossed as the others worked.

"Everything's ready then?" I asked approaching Master Dennet.

"We're finishing these last two and then the Inquisitor can be on his way," he said. "I've got the big ones for the Templars, they can handle the weight of that armor better than the others." 

"Good," I nodded. "Captain Rylen will be appreciative. As will the Inquisitor. I'm sure they're all eager to start. They've got long journey ahead."

"As long they keep my boys watered up real good they'll have an easy go of it," Dennet answered. "Otherwise they'll be pickin' dirt and grass from their teeth."

"I never doubted that for a second," I said patting him on the back. "I'm sure they won't press them too hard."  

I stood and watched the horses as the preparations were finished. Dennet's Forders really were the best in Thedas, they looked strong and ready for anything. My own mare came from his stocks. A few soldiers came and went piling supplies into the horses packs. I stayed and waited for the others to arrive. I knew this is where we would all say our farewells, as we always did. It wasn't long before the Inquisitor made his way to stables, Dorian at his side, for once carrying his own supplies. They must have been preparing their packs together. I could smell that familiar sweet metallic smell drifting from their satchels. I knew what was inside was blue. I would always recognize that smell for as long as I lived. It was difficult being around mages sometimes, I hoped it wouldn't always be this way.

As I stood there, a very uneasy feeling shivered across my back. Like someone was there, but wasn't. Then a voice rang in my ear. "The chains always follow, but he won't let them take him again. But the song still makes him afraid. When will it go away?"  

"Maker's breath, Cole. Do you always have to do that?" I turned around and growled. 

"Do what?" he said, stepping in front of me, looking at me innocently.

"Never mind," I sighed. I needed him to stay out of my head, for today at least. "Go pester someone else."

The moment of the party's departure was drawing near. I quietly stood by observing their readying, standing with my arms crossed over my chest, unable to lift the furrow from my brow. It was likely to stay there for the remainder of the day. Varric said I spent too much time with a serious look on my face, perhaps he was right. 

For a moment I glanced up away from the stables, and I knew from the unmistakable color of blue and shining silver armor that flashed through my vision that Elissa was on her way, but I refused to look. I couldn't watch her, not anymore. When she was upon us, it was hard not to see her though, I did look for just a fleeting moment. I gulped at the sight. I wasn't being salacious, the image was just...surprising. This wasn't the woman I had known these last two nights. No, today she was different. Men liked to believe women were the weaker sex, but I knew that to be far from true. You only had to look at her to know that. She was the Grey Warden Commander again. Her posture was different in the armor. She stood straight and tall and her face had taken on a tense and stoic scowl. When she was with me, I felt like I dwarfed her, but this woman was hardy and formidable and her presence large, but still with a grace. She walked toward the stables with long and purposeful strides, hands gripping the hilts of the daggers at her sides. Her eyes never loosing their focus on whatever she'd decided to look at that wasn't me. She walked past most of the party, only nodding in stiff politeness if anyone looked her direction. Her eyes flicked up only briefly from the ground, finally rising for good once she'd reached her horse. She fiddled roughly with the straps on her mount's saddle, adjusting the stirrups to her liking and making sure all her things had been properly packed. All the while, her face never faltered and her jaw never unclenched, she showed no more than an expression of impassiveness. She was ready for whatever laid ahead. And as promised, it was like I didn't even exist.

I stole quick glances at her, attempting to look as though I paid her no mind. Really she was the only thing I was paying attention to. Silently my frustration festered and I could feel my jaw tighten.

"Well Commander, I suppose we're off then," the Inquisitor said stopping beside me. I was appreciative of the disturbance of my thoughts.

"Good luck out there. The terrain will not be forgiving," I replied.

"I suspect it won't be. At least I've finally got my riding technique down, thanks to you," he said with a nod.

"You'll do fine, I'm sure of it," I said in encouragement. When he came to us he was quite uneasy on the back of a horse, but we righted that quickly. I don't suspect they had much occasion to find themselves riding inside the confines of the circle. Templars learned of course, but we had reason. Regardless of inexperience, Trevelyan was a quick study in military techniques...for a mage. 

"You're going to miss us, aren't you?" Dorian said approaching at our backs, already pulling a flask from his coat pocket and taking a swig. First thing in the morning and drinking. I'd give him a little credit and assume it was the hair of the dog. 

"Actually, I think he can't wait for us to leave," the Inquisitor said, smacking me hard on the back. "We should be on our way soon Commander, don't you worry."

"Who said I was worried? I'll carry you out of here myself if I have to," I croaked. 

"Well then, I'll go tell the others we're ready before you become my mount," the Inquisitor said taking his leave.

Dorian stayed, standing there staring at me incredulously with his arms crossed. He stood and waited for some sort of reaction out of me. Several minutes passed without him relenting, just kept himself there sighing and shifting his weight back and forth.

"What?" I finally barked, unable to ignore him any longer.

"Nothing. You just seem rather pissy this morning, that's all," he said.

"I'm fine," I said gritting my teeth.

"You're sure?" he asked insistently. 

"I said I'm fine," I repeated.

"You don't seem fine," he shrugged. "This foul mood wouldn't have anything to do with a certain Grey Warden would it?"

"How did...?" My head jerked a little too obviously in surprise, and my eyes shot sideways to his face. He may have been quite satisfied to gain the reaction from me, but I was not willing to talk about this with him, or anyone for that matter. "I don't know what you're talking about," I said with my jaw clenched tight.

"Really? Then you wouldn't want me to keep an extra eye out I suppose, make sure nothing happens to her?" he said smugly. 

I sighed and pressed my fingers over my eyes. "Fine," I groaned. "Maybe I would."

"I thought as much, but I'm not convinced I should put my neck out for just anyone. If I knew the nature of this... _concern_ , then perhaps I could better justify the risk," he said flipping his hands about in the air.

"You already know why," I rattled under my breath, staring straight ahead not giving him the satisfaction of looking him in the eye. 

"Don't worry, Uncle Dorian will take care of it like he always does," he said squeezing my shoulder.

"Uncle? We're the same age," I said, giving him a large roll of my eyes.  

"No, no. I'm a year older, but don't tell anyone else that. I have to maintain an illusion of eternal youth and beauty."

"Maker's breath," I said shaking my head at him.  

I was almost rid of him, until he decided to turn around and pester me one more time. "One more thing," he said pointing his finger in the air. He lowered his voice and leaned in to me. "Did you...?"

"Yes," I growled, trying not to turn crimson from the anger or the blush. 

"That's all I needed to know. I told her I'd find out eventually," he chuckled.

"For the love of...goodbye, Dorian."

"I'll miss you too, Commander."

At the Inquisitors signal, they each mounted their horses and I prepared myself to watch them go. This was it, likely the last time I would ever see her. I wouldn't get so much as a goodbye, or a weary look, not even a Maker damned wave. She was being nothing but cold. One by one, they trotted past making their way toward the gates. I turned my gaze toward their exit, feeling a weight pulling down on me as they went. I thought I would feel relief, but that was not what I felt. I resented her for doing this to me. I thought I deserved more and this was what I got, a cold shoulder and impudent indifference. At least I could handle the anger, I had been living with anger for longer than I could remember. This would be nothing new. But then she ruined it, thwarted my plans of bitterness. Just before passing through the arch, she stopped and she turned. She looked toward me softening her face and nodding, giving me an expression of acknowledgment and sorrow. One small little look, but it said so much. She was saying her goodbye, telling me she was sorry it was over. I reciprocated, swallowing my pride and nodded in return, grateful for the small gesture. It was enough. Now I at least knew she felt the ache too. A bittersweet end to whatever this was.

* * *

 

The sky was dark and open. A fire burned before me, waving rolls of heat toward my face. I didn't find the sensation comforting. It choked me and gave me the feeling of suffocating. I preferred the crispness of cold air. As we traveled it was only getting warmer, but at least at night the heat of the air was lost. I moved away, slinking down into the grass and stirring up dirt, propping my head on my pack. I had spent many nights just like this in my life, sitting by a fire under the stars, watching the wood turn white as it was eaten by flames. Little red glowing ashes were rising above the peaks and floating in the air, and soon after they fell back down again cold and black. That's how I wanted to be, cold and black, devoid of emotion. If I really thought about it, this was most like a home to me now. Curled up outside, in front of a fire, noises of the owls and insects filling my ears. This was a constant in my life. Several days had passed since we'd left Skyhold, but we were still on the long side of our journey. We traveled as much as we could during the day, but to me it still wasn't enough. I wanted to get as far away from Skyhold as possible. I didn't want to dwell on my time there. It felt like a lifetime ago that I was in its walls, and that's how I wanted it. At least that is what I would have myself believe. 

"Isn't that, oh what's it called, Draconis," Trevelyan mused across from me, looking up at the night sky. The stars were still as clear and bright as the day we'd left. 

Dorian titled his chin up, leaning back on his elbows to properly gaze. "No, actually I think that's Fervenial. See, its shaped more like a tree than a dragon."

"I've always like Judex myself," Blackwall said adding his piece. "I like the sword shape."

"What about you Cousland, what's your favorite?" Trevelyan asked, trying to include me in their conversation. 

I looked up from the fire my eyes had been glued to and met the Inquisitor's face over the tops of my knees. "Any of them that aren't dragons," I said sharply.

"You don't like dragons?" the Inquisitor asked. "What in the Void is wrong with dragons?"

I pulled away the stick I had been prodding into the fire and sat up to answer. "Archdemons," I said curtly, tightening my face.

Sadly there was no reply, only side looks and gaping mouths.  

I couldn't help but glare at Blackwall at the delivery of my answer. I'd been shooting him hidden looks of disgust for days. I only grew ever more suspicious of him as our trip wore on. It was the little things that gave him away, things he said or the questions he dodged. Some of his actions did help soften my opinion of him though, it was hard to truly dislike him. At this point I think I was making myself. When he did talk about Wardens, he was passionate even if rather idealistic. I had also seen him fight a few times the past few days, he was a skilled warrior and often took blows for others. He was also passionate about helping the Inquisition. He would be an excellent candidate for recruitment if I had a mind for it. And he may have very well been a good man for all intents and purposes, but he was still no Grey Warden. I was sure of that now.

It remained quiet after my reply. Seems I killed the mood with the seriousness of my tone. Only a few moments later and Dorian and Trevelyan retired to their tents. No matter. I was good at driving people away, it's what I wanted. Blackwall sat to my side, and from the corner of my eye I could see him shifting uncomfortably. I glanced at him again with a hardened look, squinting and pursing my lips with scrutiny.  

"Is there a problem, Warden Cousland?" he said bluntly after some time had passed.

I sat up, giving him my full attention. "I don't think so,  _Warden_  Blackwall?" I said, extra emphasis on the Warden.  

He sighed largely and shook his head. "Since your arrival at Skyhold, you've had that same damn look on your face whenever I'm around. You sit there and glare at me like some fucking criminal. What have I done to you? I must have done something to earn your contempt," he spat.

I took a few breaths, thinking how I would proceed. For now I'd play along with his charade of being a Warden. "There's something I've been wondering," I started thoughtfully. "Where exactly were you during the Blight? When all two of us were fighting off the darkspawn horde by ourselves. You were supposed to be in Fereldan."

He looked away, and I could see a hint of shame pass over his eyes. "I was in Orlais, same as the rest of the Wardens. Except I was alone. I've always been on my own. By the time I'd heard there was a Blight started in Fereldan, it was too late."

"And what about after the Blight? Did you abandon the Wardens?"

"After the Blight, I came back to Fereldan because I was too ashamed to face anyone. I suppose you think I went rogue. Maybe I did," he mused with his head hung. Then he got louder, more firm. "I spent my time recruiting, tried to help people. Never actually made any of 'em Wardens, but they'd fight for themselves if they thought they had to. I'd conscript them and cut them lose after they'd done what I asked. I was doing exactly what the Inquisitor found me doing in the Hinterlands. Recruit 'em, make them stand up for themselves, then tell them to go home to their families. Used my name to do something good for once. I couldn't stop the Blight, but at least I could help people who suffered because of it."

"Then why the secrecy?" I said in exasperation slitting my eyes. "Wardens have left the order before, there's no shame in that." 

"I had my reasons, they were my own to bear," he growled. "Like I said, I still wanted to do some good. That's why I'm part of the Inquisition now." 

It wasn't the whole truth, but I could tell there was a sincerity in what he said. If he was pretending to be a Grey Warden, it wasn't out of malice or his own advancement. He was doing it to help people. I was satisfied with his answers for the time being. But we weren't done, not by a long shot.   

"Fine, I believe you...," I said raising to my feet."For now."

"Thank you, Commander Cousland. I'm glad we had this talk."

"As am I, Warden Blackwall." And with that I left for my tent, eager for slumber.   


	11. You'll never find a more wretched hive

_So many years ago, and yet it haunts me today. If I could see her face, maybe it would bring me out of the darkness again. No. Such thoughts only serve to breed my agony. I should not dwell._

Still no word from the Inquisitor. I doubt I could have taken the report even if it had come. My vision was too blurry today, my arms likely too weak to even lift the paper. Even if I could hold the parchment, I wouldn't be able to steady my arm from shaking enough to see the words on the page. And then I'd smear it with the sweat of my palm. Perhaps it was good the report had not come.

I sat in my office, pretending I could be useful. A dusty tome laid open before me on the desk for the benefit of any visitors. I would look busy this way. But no one came to my door. They knew I was not to be disturbed, though none but Cassandra knew why. I wondered what others thought on days like this, what went through the minds of my troops. Maybe some of them suspected. It wasn't a secret what Templars took and how they became addicted. Some of them  _were_  Templars, they knew what it was like when they didn't get enough, I'm sure they could see it in me no matter how much I tried to hide it. Some of them must have known I wasn't taking it anymore. Would they think it made me strong or that its absence doomed me to be weak? Whatever it was, I was determined to see this through. Whatever the consequences.    

The pain today was unbearable. My head pounded, and my skin burned. I tried to put on a brave face, but I just couldn't do it any longer. I had been working too hard, trying to stay busy, not giving myself enough rest and finally it became too much. My body rebelled. It ached and thirsted for the only thing it knew would make it better, what it thought would make it strong. But still I would deny it its reprieve. Sometimes it was hard to remember why I was doing this to myself, I only knew I had to. For myself and for the Inquisition. 

A small knock came on my door. It was soft, yet it reverberated in my head like booming thunder. I tried to stand, grunting and sweating from the effort.

"Sit down," Cassandra scolded as she let herself in without invitation.

I could only sigh and obey in response.

"How are you feeling?" she asked, slowly approaching my desk.

"The same," I said weakly, swallowing to hold back from being sick. My attempt to stand had been a mistake. And every word I spoke zapped my strength.

She held out her hand, pressing its back to my forehead. "No fever today at least." The scrutiny in her eyes clear at the sallowness of my face.

"Not yet anyway," I tried laughing, letting out only one small fraction of a chuckle that quickly choked me. I wiped my hand over my brow to remove some of the moisture. My hands were freezing, but it felt good against my skin. "Has any word come yet from the Inquisitor?"

"No, but let me worry about that today. You should be lying down," she said harshly.  

No. I shouldn't lie down. This is what I preferred. Sitting at the desk, sitting here kept me sane. It kept me in the present. If I sat here, I wouldn't get confused, I wouldn't think I was someplace else. I wouldn't close my eyes and hear their voices in my head, or see their faces. If I sat here I knew what was real. This desk was an anchor to reality, a shield against the madness. The minute I closed my eyes I would be lost. 

"This is fine. I couldn't make it up the ladder even if I wanted," I said glancing up. 

"And how did you manage to get down?" Cassandra said, resting her arms at her hips. 

I shook my head and sighed. By falling, that's how. But I wasn't about to tell her that. "You don't want to know." 

She let out a scoffing noise. "I hope you didn't break anything in the process."

"I'm fine," I breathed dismissively. "Shouldn't they have made it to the Approach by now?" 

She crossed her arms, but finally caved to my questioning. "They should have," she shrugged, "but it hasn't been long enough to worry. They could have been delayed by a number of things. Weather, bandits, Red Templars, Venatori. You know how the Inquisitor gets distracted. I'm sure they simply haven't been able to get word out yet, or made a few stops along the way."

"That isn't helping," I groaned.

"Maxwell Trevelyan always finds a way," she sighed. "He's reliable. You shouldn't doubt him. He is the Inquisitor, after all."   

"It's not him I'm worried about," I said under my breath, but she still heard me clearly. 

"Then what?" she said curiously.

"Nevermind," I dismissed it. "Just promise me you'll bring me the report when it arrives. Maybe then I can get some rest." 

"As you wish," she said frowning at me as she moved toward the door. 

Just before she left I spoke once more. "Cassandra," I said catching her. "Thank you."

She nodded sternly and closed the door.

I sighed, bringing my hand to rub the back of my neck to wish away the pain. What was I doing? Whether I admitted it to myself or not, I knew what I was looking for in those reports. Just a small mention of her and maybe I would have been satisfied. But for now, I was left waiting. Wondering if I would ever see the name that I'd promised never to speak again. I just wanted to know that she was alright.    

* * *

 

* * *

The Western Approach. I wasn't sure if you could find a more vile place in all of Thedas. Sand. Darkspawn. Dragons. Sulphur pits. And more rotted bones than you could count. 

We weren't traveling far into the Approach, but it was far enough for my liking. This was not a pleasant place. It was desolate, nearly lifeless. What life was out here was nasty and feral. I'd been here before, just once, but it was a land I was quick to wish to forget. It was unbearably hot during the day, impossibly cold at night and you practically breathed sand instead of air. Nothing here was agreeable to the senses. 

The scouts had made camp no more than a day's ride into the approach. When we arrived it was bright and hot, the sun was at its highest point. The scouts were waiting for us and Hawke had just arrived as well. There was news as soon as we reported in. Scout Harding approached the Inquisitor immediately and pulled he and I to the side. She looked very uneasy.

"We weren't able to get a message out before you left Skyhold Inquisitor," she started nervously. "We found someone wandering just outside the ruins. Says he's here to stop the Wardens just like we are, claims he knows Warden Cousland. We've got him under guard just in case, far tent if you wanna take a look."

"Thank you Scout Harding," the Inquisitor replied.

Trevelyan and I approached the tent. I wondered who or what exactly we would find inside, who it was that claimed to know me. When I'd spoken out against Clarel, no one was willing to stand with me. Maybe at least one of my comrades had finally come to their senses. Took the bloody bastards long enough. At the sight of the Inquisitor, the guards stepped aside and cautiously Trevelyan opened the flap of the tent and I leaned inside. I recognized the bound man.

"Stroud!" I said, dropping to my knees and untying the ropes that wrapped his hands and feet. 

"Elissa, I was starting to think you weren't coming," he laughed weakly. He hissed, rubbing at the spots on his wrists the ropes had been.

"You know him?" the Inquisitor asked. I nodded wide-eyed in reply and turned back to Stroud. 

"What happened? You'd been missing for weeks when I left," I asked, my head swimming. As I looked at him, I noticed how grey and hollow his eyes had gone and he looked as though he hadn't been eating. 

"I didn't go missing," Stroud said roughly. "Clarel...I knew too much, she turn on me, she had me imprisoned. I was held for months. I was able to escape when I convinced her I had been swayed to her side."

"How did you know I was coming?" I ask desperately. 

"News of the Hero of Fereldan joining the Inquisition has spread. The Wardens have orders to capture you on sight. You are to be arrested for your betrayal. They won't be surprised to see you coming," Stroud replied, breathing heavily as I helped him to his feet. 

"I don't suppose I can expect a warm welcome then," I sighed, looking to the Inquisitor. He nodded in understanding. 

"I'm afraid not. Elissa, what they're doing..." He stopped and swallowed trying to steady himself. He shook his head unable to continue. 

I felt my lips part, and my eyes slackened. I could tell from the look on his face that what was happening must be beyond comprehension. "Is it that bad?" I said quietly.

"Worse," Stroud rasped, breaths ragged. "This ritual, it doesn't do what they think it does. I'm afraid this Corypheus has no interest in stopping the Blight as he would have Clarel believe. He's killing them. And controlling them. We have to keep them from performing the ritual on any more of our people."

"Killing them? Why?" the Inquisitor exclaimed. We looked at each other wearily. None of us wanted to accept the answer we knew to be true. They needed their blood. 

"They've already started?" I said weakly, swallowing back my fear. 

"Yes," Stroud nodded. 

"Then we have to go. Now!" I said, wrapping my hands around my daggers. 

"I'll tell the others," Trevelyan said, rushing from the tent.

With Stroud in tow, I gathered with the others around Scout Harding for our short briefing. We only had one shot at this. We had to stop them from harming any more Grey Wardens. I just hoped we had enough people to do the job. The reports said the Warden force was large. We brought 10 party members with us, and now we had Stroud and Hawke, and whatever scouts Harding could spare. This is why we had come here. And now we knew Corypheus was involved. It seemed our goals aligned with the Inquisition's after all. 

"Be careful out there. It isn't just Wardens we sighted. I've got reports of Venatori, stray darkspawn, even a high dragon flying overhead," Harding reported. 

"Good to know what we're in for," the Inquisitor said.

"Good luck," Harding offered. "You're gonna need it."  

We left our horses at camp, making the trek to the ritual tower on foot. The least attention we attracted the better and it was quieter without them. The terrain was exactly as I remembered. Dry and stinking of rot, and hard on the legs as the ground shifted under our feet. Stroud led us west through the sand and soon we were just outside the tower, gathered at the edge deciding our plan of attack. The ritual tower was long and tall. The entrance far enough for us to stay out of sight until we were ready. There were already Wardens gathered inside, making no effort to hide their presence or what they were doing.   

"I fear they've already started the ritual," Stroud whispered as we leaned against the walls listening. A voice could be heard above the others, but it wasn't at all familiar. If this was a Warden, I had never met him.  

"It has to be blood magic," Hawke said gritting his teeth.

"I suppose you'd be a bit of an expert on that wouldn't you, Hawke," I said narrowing my eyes at him, only halfway teasing. I knew he had witnessed it's practice before, Carver had told me. He also told me he suspected his brother had even participated though Hawke would never admit it.    

"Whatever's inside won't be pretty," he said ignoring me.   

"Is anything here pretty?" I said glancing to my side.

"Wait, you ask that question, but you already know the answer is nothing," Cole said popping up from behind. "And  _he_  had to stop himself from saying you've got a pretty pair. A pretty pair of what?" 

"Tits, Cole," Hawke said, smirking at me and shrugging. I glared at him harshly. The boy just looked confused. 

Wait a minute...I don't remember Cole coming with us.

"Where did he come from?" I said tilting my head. 

"He's been here this whole time," Dorian said with a short chortle.

"If you say so," I said, my voice trailing off. 

"Well, what's our plan? Anyone have any brilliant ideas they'd like to share?" Hawke asked. "Except for you Cousland, it might be too confusing for you."

I made a face at him. Wanker.

"We don't need a plan," the Inquisitor said pushing himself from the wall and grabbing his staff from his back. He jutted out his jaw with a look of arrant determination and a little smirk. He took a step forward and nodded his head motioning his people to follow him up the path.

"Wait, what are you doing?" I said, grasping his arm.

"I'm going to say hello," he chuckled.

I stood with my eyes and my mouth both wide, staring in his direction. I considered for a moment, and truthfully his idea was as good as any. It wasn't like we could take them by surprise. They knew we were coming. They only had to reach out and sense us. 

"Reckless abandon," I said curling up my lip and nodding. "I like that."

"Then I think you and I are going to get along just fine," he said smugly.

"Well Inquisitor, by all means, after you," I said. "You are the brains of this operation."

If only we had known what we were in for.   

* * *

 

* * *

It had been over a month since their departure, and finally the reports started coming. Only bits and pieces of information had reached us from the approach, and most of it from Captain Rylen's reports. Without him we would have had practically nothing at all. The Inquisitor had written but had been intentionally vague in his correspondence. And there was no mention of Warden-Commander Cousland at all. 

"It doesn't make any sense," Leliana had said. 

The first real sign I had gotten that everything was fine was from Rylen. The first report he sent I scanned over quickly in the war room, looking for any sign of their condition. The words I picked out, "no casualties" and "only minor injuries" but then the line "worse than we imagined." I crumbled my copy of the letter in frustration. There were no details, only assurance that information was coming with the Inquisitor and warning of a building army. This was the longest we had gone without a detailed report from Trevelyan. There had to be a reason. I could tell it worried the others just as much as it worried me, though I probably showed it less. Josephine was trying not to let on that she was taking it hard, but I could see it in her eyes. Every time a report arrived she hesitated, afraid of what it said. 

"I'll read it later....in my office," she would say. 

There was still a glimmer of hope though. No casualties meant that everyone was fine. It meant that  _she_  was fine. Maker preserve me. I wasn't supposed to care, but I couldn't help it. Blast it, why did I? This is exactly why all of it had been a mistake, she was right to end it before it began. Still, I wasn't sure if I would have taken it back even if I could. But I couldn't keep letting myself become distracted. 

More information came as the days pressed forward. We knew that Rylen and the Inquisitor had secured a foothold at an abandoned Warden keep. Apparently it had been taken over by Venatori. Immediately I deployed a regiment of soldiers to occupy it, along with my orders to Captain Rylen. We also established a supply caravan for the troops that were now permanently stationed there, at least for the time being. It wasn't the most pleasant assignment, but it was necessary. If this didn't make my men ready for what lay ahead, nothing would. Some may call it cruel, but I intentionally sent recruits I knew needed to be hardened. Some of my best men were out there, they would teach these young soldiers a thing or two.  

All there was left to do was wait for the Inquisitor's return and continue bolstering our military power. It felt good to see us expanding. It felt like we would never see this day, but we were becoming a force to be respected and feared. Our success seemed so much closer than before. We would end this threat and I swore I would see an end to Corypheus if it was the last thing I did.    

* * *

 

* * *

I looked ahead blankly, still numb from what had transpired. After everything that happened, the horrors we witnessed, I had abandoned all hope for the Wardens. My comrades were gone. They were my friends. A few were even like family. And now they were dead... some at my own hand. I had finished my weeping for them, now I was done. I knew now we were lost. According to this Magister, Corypheus controlled the Blight. There was no need for us anymore. At least that is what I hoped, if it were the truth it would be a dream come true. The culmination of centuries of work. That is, if the circumstances were different. If he wasn't using us to create a demon army. So far it looked as if he would succeed. 

The party sat around a fire once more after breaking apart for various missions. We mustered together now to decide our next move. This time we were in the sand huddled against a great purple rock with our shadows cast upon it, trying not to freeze to death. We had just finished our meal, but no one was talking. 

Blackwall threw down his plate and let out a great sigh. "The Grey Wardens are heroes, they would never do this willingly," Blackwall mulled, stewing over the campfire and cursing under his breath. He was disappointed in them after he had held them in such high regard for so long.

He wasn't the only one upset. We had all been tense since what happened, though it had been weeks. We couldn't decide who to blame. The Inquisitor blamed the Wardens, I blamed Corypheus, Dorian blamed Tevinter, Hawke blamed us all. We had been bickering ever sense.

"Fear is a very strong motivator," I said flatly. 

The Inquisitor sighed, throwing a rock into the fire. "The Wardens care only about stopping Blights, no matter what they destroy in the process," he said bitterly. 

"Not all of us," Stroud interjected. Both of us were here. That had to count for something.  

"I knew the Wardens would go too far," Hawke spat, shaking his head furiously. 

My eyes narrowed at him, my look halfway to murder. "Let's not get started on people going too far, Hawke," I said, remembering what his lover had done in Kirkwall.

Stroud took a deep breath, letting it out slowly showing his discouragement. "The Wardens were lied to," he said quietly. "They thought they were preventing future Blights. You don't know what that means to a Warden." 

"Using blood magic and human sacrifice?" the Inquisitor scorned, his voice etched with disgust.

"No one said they weren't wrong," I snarled. "He's only saying they had a reason. One that you wouldn't understand," I hissed.   

"Everyone has a story they tell themselves to justify bad decisions," Hawke said accusingly.

"Bad decisions? Don't get me started," I scoffed, rolling my eyes.

"Two words," he said holding up his fingers then counting down. "My. Brother."

I shook my head, wrinkling my lips with disdain and pressing my fingers to my eyes. "This isn't getting us anywhere." 

"No it's not. Where do we go from here?" the Inquisitor asked. 

Stroud sighed, picking up a handful of sand and watching it drift through his fingers. He was wrestling with his decision on whether to speak up or not. Slowly he started. "I believe I know where the Wardens are, the direction Erimond fled. There's an abandoned Warden fortress that way." 

"Adamant?" I said pensively, barely moving my lips. Stroud nodded in confirmation. 

"I want these Wardens," the Inquisitor said slamming his fist into his open palm. "Corypheus cannot be allowed to gain an army of demons."

"Then we go after them," I said, my face made of steel. 

"Finally you're making sense," Hawke gibed. "Stroud, and I can scout out Adamant and confirm the Wardens are there. Cousland, you should return to Skyhold with the Inquisitor."

I began stammering. "Skyhold? But..." 

"He's right," the Inquisitor interrupted. "The Wardens are already looking for you. You can't do any more good here. You should stay where we can protect you. Skyhold is the best place for that and we can use your expertise."  

I was at his mercy now. "As you wish, Inquisitor," I weakly replied.

I sat wide eyed, listening to the pounding of my heart in my head, feeling it race in my chest. A confused feeling rushing through my veins. So I was to return to Skyhold? I remembered what was at there, who was there. I swallowed , my throat catching with a sense of dread. I wasn't sure I could go back there. I never planned on it. I planned on forgetting it forever. But I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought of  _him_ , thought of what it would be like to go back, wondering if I could hold true to my promise. I would be put to the test it seemed. I had to. I looked to my left and could see that Dorian was watching me. I wondered what he was thinking, or by the looks of it what he was scheming. Whatever it was, he would be sorely disappointed. My eyes dropped and I clutched my arms to my chest. If I started thinking of excuses to avoid a certain someone now, maybe I would succeed. Whatever happened, I knew going back to Skyhold should be the least of my worries right now. And yet it wasn't. 


	12. At least she's safe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Sorry for the long delay, so many things happening in the real world, but here it is*
> 
> Elissa returns to Skyhold.

[Elissa]

So many steps in the wrong direction. That's what this felt like, like walking backwards. My mind felt  stunted  and hazy, it had spent too many waking hours worrying and wondering and thinking of a way out. Desperately trying to come up with a way to fix things. But now there was nothing. Blankness. All that was left was in my head now was the sound of the Calling and a fast beat of my heart  thumping in my skull . The unnatural music now filled  my mind  with hissing voices threatening to become clearer.There was no escape, not from any of it. Hawke and the Inquisitor had been right unfortunately, I needed to return to Skyhold. I needed the Inquisition now if I was to fix the Wardens, and the Inquisition needed me if they were to stop Corypheus.  It was so much bigger than I thought possible before.  Would I ever be able to stop saving the world?

I looked ahead.  Up and down the horizon shifted, matching the beat of my horse's feet. Everything that surrounded me had gone soft and white, and we started to see our breath hanging in the air. That's how I knew we were getting close to Skyhold. I had said little on the trip back, pretending not to hear or not to care. Dorian had tried to bring me from my stupor unsuccessfully, but the others had left me alone to sulk. If I guessed, we were less than a few hours away from the end of our journey now. Just hours away from Skyhold's giant gates. The end of a nearly two week trek.  It had been over a month since I'd seen those gates.  I guessed it must have been just past noon since our shadows were starting to lengthen. Dorian looked back, just to be sure I was still in the same sullen mood he had left me in the last time he had attempted to stir me into conversation. He once again slowed himself to match with my pace for one last try. 

"That's not very  lady like , know you," he said leaning over. "All that nail biting and fidgeting."

My lips parted and I glanced at him sideways. I held to my mount's reigns to still my hands and shifted to sit a little straighter. "Well, pardon me," I said sarcastically. I wanted to be cold with him, but it was nearly impossible. Immediately I felt bad. "I'm sorry, it's just...," I sighed. "Oh, never mind."

"We return to Skyhold today. And that makes you nervous doesn't it?" he smirked.

"Why in the Maker's blood would that make me nervous?" I snapped.  

"You tell me," he shrugged. 

"Whatever it is you think you know..." I sighed, giving up. "You're probably right."

"Oh, I'm always right, but that's beside the point," he chuckled. "But really, what's the matter? I know what happened was awful, but I know it isn't all that's bothering you"  

"There's more to it than that to tell the truth. Honestly, I feel like when we return and I have to tell everyone what the Wardens did, I'll finally realize it was real. I could have been a leader instead of running, I could have stopped it. How can I look anyone in the eye after that? I'm one of them.  I represent the Wardens .  And now  that makes me  a coward, and they'll all see that. Some will think I'm a monster  like them , others will say I'm a deserter." 

At this moment, I was deeply ashamed. I was ashamed to be a  Grey Warden,  ashamed to have their taint in my blood ,  ashamed to be walking through those doors to have to explain what they had done and why they had done it, ashamed I couldn't have stopped them. I wasn't ready to face anyone, most of all  him .  

"How do you think I feel? I just want to do what's right, and most people just see a Vint and draw their own conclusions from that. They assume I must be eeeevvvviiilllll," he said waving his fingers and feigning a craze in his eyes. It made me chuckle. 

"Then I suppose they'll just have to be wrong about both of us, won't they?" I said quietly, trying to muster some resolve.

"If there's anything people are good at, it's being wrong," Dorian offered.

"I've been wrong quite a lot in my life. So I'll have to forgive them that," I replied.

"Don't tell anyone I said this, but you're a much better person than I am," he said with sincerity. "I do know how to hold a bit of a grudge."

I gave him a weak smile to show I understood. 

"Well, as much as I do enjoy these chats, I think I need to be alone. Just a little while longer."

"As you wish."  And with that he tapped his horse and they trotted ahead. If I stayed I knew this man could be a very good friend.

I closed my eyes and lifted my face to the sun, taking a deep breath in. What was I going to do? What was I going to say? Damn it Dorian, he had gotten my mind working again. Just when I was enjoying it being so still.

I felt that familiar pang in my stomach again, the sting of guilt, the feeling I could have done more or done things differently. Maybe I could have fought against Clarel harder. I was the Hero of  Fereldan , a leader once, something I had given up out of my own selfishness. I could have used it, but I didn't. If I had ... maybe I could have stopped all of this from happening. And then there was what happened with the Commander, maybe I could have done that differently too. I still thought of Cullen, I could admit it. Even more so now that I knew I would see him again.

How did I let this happen? The first time I was with the Commander, it was purely physical. There was no other way to describe it. Hot burning lust that had reached a peak and couldn't be ignored any longer. The second time is where I had my regrets, why I had shown him so much coldness and indifference at my departure. The second time was more, I felt more and I knew that now. It scared me. I didn't do this. I didn't like people or feel for people. I stopped that a long time ago. So I panicked, I pushed him away nearly immediately, acted like I didn't care, the way I left was reprehensible. I thought if I left the bridge burned that it would go away. But I was left on the other side, wishing to cross it and knowing I couldn't. Knowing I might die inside all over again if I did. And now I had to face him again and see the bridge I had destroyed, teasing myself that it would only take a leap to reach the other side. It was a leap I could never let myself make. If I did I would fall.

But now wasn't the time to think of such things. There were more important things going on in the world, things that I needed to prepare myself for. There were lives at stake, maybe even the lives of all of Thedas.  I suspected this would be worse than anything I had ever faced. I had only a few hours remaining until we walked through those gates. Until then I needed to use my time wisely. I would find a way to move forward, find a way to do what was right and find a way to come to terms with the reality of all that had happened and all that would come. I knew I had a duty, but I wasn't sure anymore where that duty laid.  

  


* * *

 

 [Cullen]

It was early evening, just before sunset, a time when Skyhold usually started to grow quiet. I leaned over the ramparts, pausing to take a breath during what had become my ritual evening walk after supper. I had just finished eating alone in my office. I had done it so often the last few weeks that it was no longer something questioned. For the most part I had been left alone, left to my own devices, left to figure out whatever was going on in my head.

Feeling the cold stone on my forearms and the bite of the wind through my gloves, I looked out over the mountains surrounding our keep. This was exactly the spot I had brought Warden Cousland to show her the glory of Skyhold when she first arrived, where we talked of  Fereldan  and the finer points of home. Even that first day I realize there was something about her that made me feel better. It seemed like a lifetime ago. Now I only felt her absence and realized that maybe things were a little worse with her gone. I prayed that maybe someday we would meet again, however unlikely. Even seeing her name in a report would have been a small comfort. 

Looking out I saw stillness, nothing but stillness save the breath that clouded in front of my face. Comforting, but I knew the quiet was not always a good sign. Sometimes it was a trick. I remembered the stillness at Haven just before our attack. I swore we would never be taken by such surprise again as we did that day. We were lucky to have made it. The attack was just another thing I was forced to survive, another attempt of the world to change me. And so much had tried change me during my life, and for the most part it felt it had succeeded ; m y training as a Templar, my torture at the hands of Circle Mages, my experiences in Kirkwall, the effects of lyrium on my body, my shaken faith because of Meredith, the horror at Haven. It was hard not to become jaded from it all. I thought of that poor recruit so many years ago and wondered what would happen if he had only known what life had in store for him. What would have happened if he had never become a Templar? If he would have had a normal life?

I didn't remember when I could call my life normal. I couldn't remember much of anything about the person I was before I was a even recruit. For as long as I could recollect I wanted to be a Templar. It was an obsession. Only faintly did I remember the day I left home. My parents faces were just distant memories now, I could barely form them in my mind. I wasn't even sure if what I remembered was true. Only small pieces were there. Like my mother's eyes almost the same color of the shiny brown stones we threw in the lake. My father's hair that always curled with the sweat of his day's work. The way my parents always looked at each other filled with worry when I spoke of joining the Templars. The noises of my siblings playing that I retreated away from when I needed to be alone. The quiet of the water at the lake I was so fond of sneaking off to. I liked the quiet most of all. I suppose I was always one for solitude, even then. Even before everything that had happened to me. But back then, being alone didn't feel quite so lonely. It hadn't felt so lonely as it had these past few months. But I would get over it, find a way to ignore it as I always did. Or at least I'd try.

I rose from the rampart and turned my ear to listen behind me with a sudden alertness. Below, in the courtyard, the sound had risen and a small group could be seen approaching the gates. Footsteps echoed on the staircase nearest me and a messenger rose from the shadows.

"Commander," the soldier breathed gasping for air, holding out a piece of folded parchment. "The...," he paused for another breath. "Inquisitor," he finally finished. 

"Thank you for your haste, soldier," I nodded sending him away and breaking the seal of the parchment. The message inside was simple, the Inquisitor had returned and I was to report to the war room without delay. 

I calculated the shortest way to reach my destination. I decided on a path and I rounded the ramparts once more to the other side of the keep, making my way through the garden and I entered the war room from the main hall. When I opened the door, Josephine and Leliana were already inside and both jumped at my abrupt jerk of the door. With a large sigh I took my place at the table and we waited for the Inquisitor. Josephine was stewing, I could tell by her wide eyes she wanted to leap from her skin waiting to see him. Leliana only scowled and stood tapping her foot.

"He had better have some answers," I grumbled to the others. Leliana turned her head for only a second to show me her glare.

"Why is he making us wait?" Josephine huffed. It was probably the first time I had ever heard her complain about anything, much less the Inquisitor. 

The door flew open with a loud metal screech, and the Inquisitor walked through, still dirty and stinking of horse. His armored robes were still hanging from him and he was covered in ichor and dried blood. He had obviously made no stops between the gate and this room, not even bothering to remove his weapon from his back. His eyes scanned the room and he settled just a few seconds too long on Josephine. He stepped forward and took his place where he rested both his palms on the table and hung his head blowing out a long held breath. Behind him, the door remained open and someone else silently walked through and closed the door quietly behind  with barely a click when it latched.

It was  her . 

Very slowly and warily, Warden-Commander Cousland approached the war table and took her normal spot. She was in the same condition as the Inquisitor, except even more bloodied, her armor nearly completely covered in blood, dirt and black ichor. Cuts and bruises speckled her face and her hair resembled frayed rope more than a braid. They had seen a fight, that much was clear.  

It took me a moment to  breathe  again.  I felt as though the floor had just dropped from underneath me. My ears began to buzz as if an explosion had just wracked through my brain. I could hardly muster a reaction, I was shocked into a stiff hardened mass. If I would have tried to speak, the sounds wouldn't have formed words. I only stood there, feeling my mouth hang agape and my eyes unable to blink. She had come back. Against all conjecture otherwise, and with no warning she had returned to Skyhold.  

"Elissa," Leliana cried. The Warden's eyes kept uncomfortably to the ground, her look almost of a grim despondence. Leliana crossed the room and reached for her, but her gaze still did not raise. She flinched and twisted away. "What happened?" Leliana whispered pulling back. 

Elissa only shook her head weakly, looking down and away, brow furrowed deep in some remembered pain. She stepped back to the table and took a deep breath, straightening and cracking her back and holding up her chin in an attempt to return herself to her aura of fortitude. Her nostrils flared and she finally lifted her eyes and glanced cautiously around the room, but avoided my eyes. She breathed out and prepared herself for the sharing of bad news.    

The Inquisitor stood straight again and sighed largely, running a hand down his face and letting his hands come to a rest at his hips. "First, I want to apologize to you all for keeping you in the dark," he began. I saw his eyes lift to Josephine's and her eyes turned away in hurt. "What we found in the approach was beyond what we had imagined. What happened stays in this room, I don't want this information reaching anyone outside the Inquisition , not even outside the inner circle . It would cause panic and the damage to the Wardens would be irreparable. I need time to figure out what to do before any of it is made public. That's why, for now, I have agreed at Warden Cousland's request to keep this a secret."  

The Inquisitor stopped and looked to the Warden, as if expecting to receive a confession. She glanced at him through the sides of her eyes. There was a struggle in her, and a bitterness as if she were being forced to submit. Whatever she was about to say, he was making her say it. 

"It was just as the Inquisitor feared," she said, her voice catching. Stark blankness steeled her face. "The Wardens are under the control of Corypheus. In every sense of the word.  He's controlling their minds. "

The room was quiet as the revelation sank in, each of our eyes searching the faces of the others to make sure what we heard was real. I swallowed and spoke. "But you've escaped this Warden Cousland. How?"

"It requires the ritual we were sent to stop," the Inquisitor answered. Warden Cousland squeezed her eyes shut, appearing in physical pain at the words he spoke. The Inquisitor went on. "They had already begun when we arrived. Half of them were already dead. The Wardens were using blood magic on their own people, performing human sacrifice on their warriors to summon and bind demons." Again Cousland reacted, shaking her head and drawing her arms around herself. Her eyes were dark and defeated and under her breath I could make out a phrase on her lips.  In death, sacrifice,  she whispered. Trevelyan continued. "The binding brings those who perform it under Corypheus' control. Every move they make, every breath that crosses their lips is at his command. The worst part is that they brought themselves under this control willingly. I'm afraid they have given themselves  fully  to Corypheus."

The entire room shuddered. Blood magic. The  wors t  kind of blood magic, what all those who opposed it feared. Mind-control, by complete drain of human life.

"To what purpose?" I rasped rigidly. 

"They intend to create an entire army of demons to  march  against us," the Inquisitor said frankly.

Cousland let out a large breath through her nose, the anger building behind her eyes and tensing her face even more.  Only so long could she  submit  to him .  She looked again at the Inquisitor, turning her whole body to face him. "Not all of them are lost. Only the mages are under his spell," she said firmly and defensively, using her hands to emphasize her words. By the look on the Inquisitor's face, this outburst was not part of the plan they had discussed. "The rest are free until he decides to execute them. I'm certain there are some who will see reason. They won't speak out openly against Clarel, but if they know they have the backing of the Inquisition, they could be swayed."

"This again Cousland? We've talked about this," the Inquisitor said through his teeth. 

"Inquisitor, I beg of you. Some of them can be guided back to the correct path. I'm sure of it," Cousland said desperately. 

"I will see them stopped," he asserted callously. Her arguments and pleading falling on deaf ears. "All of them. Every one of them had a choice and they've made it. You gave them the opportunity to make another and they threw it away."

She hung her head dejectedly, but not without anger. Her jaw clenched and shifted around . H er eyes pressed tight to hold her composure  and her head shook . 

"Where can we find the Wardens?" Leliana asked.  To her the solution was already clear. It was time to get down to business.

The Inquisitor answered quickly. "Adamant Fortress. Hawke is there now with another Warden ally scouting the location. Hopefully they will bring back something we can use."

"We'll need to know their numbers," I said with a grunt, slowly placing a metal marker on the fortress' location. My mind already began working the schematics of taking it. Cousland's eyes follow the marker and stayed there, staring at it. 

"Now, my plan is to launch an assault on Adamant, to take the fortress," Trevelyan began.

I answered. "An attack of that magnitude will take all of our forces, and more siege equipment than we currently have in our possession."

"See that we get that equipment, Commander. Warden Cousland has agreed to provide us any information she can on the layout of the facility and identify any weaknesses in its defenses. You two can work together on planning the attack," the Inquisitor said.  "You have led an assault before, Cousland, correct?"  

Without lifting her head, she looked up through the tops of her eyes, it gave her a hard look. " Yes, but b efore I agree to anything, I need you to promise me when this is over, you will show the Wardens mercy. I want them to be captured, not slaughtered."

"I'm not sure I can make that promise, not after what they have done," the Inquisitor said shaking his head. 

"Don't you understand they did this because they were afraid? If we show them they don't have to be...," she brought a hand up and pressed her fingers to her eyes. "These are my friends. And you are asking me to betray them without any assurance .  With no promises?  I don't want to have to watch them all die. Some will see reason , I know this!  They thought these demons were marching to the deep roads, not on the Inquisition.They think they've done this to protect Thedas, you heard Erimond say it. "

"Protect it by destroying it," the Inquisitor's voice rebounded from the walls. "They should never have even conjured demons in the first place, no matter what their purpose. I can offer immunity to yourself and to Stroud and that is all I can promise for now."

Her look became stubborn. "After this is over, the Wardens still have a job to do. There will still be future Blights. I refuse to have to start over again. I don't have it in me to rebuild the order again.  I have watched the order fall once already. "

"Who said anything about rebuilding the order? I would see it gone from Fereldan and Orlais forever. Look how much suffering it has inflicted," the Inquisitor said, wanting his words to come out like poison.

"Suffering? You can't mean that," she exasperated, shocked he had the audacity. "Look how many lives it has saved. How many I saved over 10 years ago , the entire reason they call me the Hero of Ferelde n . You weren't there during the Blight. Without the Wardens, there would  be  no  Ferelde n and likely no Thedas. "

"I see. So now that it's convenient, you'd like to claim your title instead of refusing to acknowledge it," he replied.   

I had had enough. "Are we here to watch you two argue or form a plan?" I bellowed. "I'm sure you've done enough of that on the road."

Cousland shot her eyes to my face, they were narrowed black and she looked as though she was about to spit fire in my direction. "Make your  fucking  plans without me. I've heard enough."  She turned from the table and crossed the room, t he door slammed shut behind her  and echoed through the entire room. Even the table shook.

The Inquisitor sighed, kneading his fingers into his brow. " That bloody woman... You'll all receive your instructions later. For now you're dismissed. I need a rest...and a bath."  

"Actually Inquisitor, I believe Lady Montilyet had a few things for you," I said tilting my head encouraging Leliana to follow me out. "We'll give you the room." 

I have never seen either one of them look quite so grateful. It was obvious now that everyone who had stood in that room knew about the two.

"Commander, would you mind gathering the rest of my things from my horse while I, ah, take care of this. Oh and careful, there's...well, you know what's in there," he said.

I gave him a look of  disbelief . "Thanks for the warning, I'll try to control myself," I spat sarcastically. Damn mage and his lyrium potions. 


End file.
